- Hey, quick parenting question.
When do I get to sleep again?
- Please go away, let me sleep, for the love of God!
- Let's start the show.
(doo-wop music)
- Welcome to Paternity Leave, a dad-centric late night show.
I'm your host Rob King, I'm on paternity leave myself,
and thank you to everyone who watched
our pilot episode last week.
Especially, to Jerry Van Ramele, who wrote,
To many memories ha ha not all good ones.
He started off fun and light and then Jerry got dark.
Jerry, I hope you're okay, I get it, parenting is tough.
Maybe you're trying to warn me to be prepared, I get it.
And thanks for that, we'll check in with you next week.
Be safe, okay Jerry.
Also, Lisa Temple, who commented three times,
with funny, fun and then fun again.
I'm not really sure what Lisa thought of the show,
but we will try harder next week.
And I can't wait to read all of your comments then.
Before we get into today's episode, I've got a quick bone
to pick with everyone I know that has kids.
They told me that it was magical (laughs), and super easy.
They're liars.
It's super hard, okay.
So in this segment, I'm gonna call all of them
and tell them what liars they are.
(phone rings)
- [Gary] Hello.
- Hey Gary.
- [Gary] Hey.
- Remember when you said that kids are the most amazing
thing in the world?
Well, mine is a gremlin mixed with an alarm clock
that won't shut off.
You're a liar!
- [Gary] Okay.
(phone rings)
- [Travis] Hello.
- Hey Travis, remember when you said that kids are just like
the best thing in the world (laughs)?
You're a liar!
- [Travis] I didn't mean to lie to ya,
maybe it's your own insecurities man,
that they're tapping into somehow.
- I don't, what, well, I can't talk about this, I gotta go.
(phone rings)
- [Mom] Hello.
- Hey Mom, you're still available
to babysit Quincy this weekend right?
Yeah, yeah he's looking forward to it too.
Okay, we really appreciate this, thank you so much.
Yeah, all right, I love you too, you're a liar.
All right, next up we're talking about dad fails.
As we established last week, dad is the fun parent.
I'm kidding moms, relax.
But dads are also sometimes the slightly, unintentionally,
it's not that bad, irresponsible parent.
Now I'm not talking about the things that your child will be
discussing in therapy years from now.
- I've abandoned my child!
I've abandoned my boy!
- I'm talking about those moments when you put your child
in a carrier, but you forget how much of a sweater you are,
essentially drowning your son in your excessive body water.
Or when you try to give your kid a homemade haircut,
and make your son look like Dora the Explorer.
I'm looking at you, Keith Kohlmann.
So, my dad fail of the week comes from my buddy Jeff Nathan,
down in Florida, who last year tried to do a nice little
family Halloween costume thing, dressing up in costumes
from Bambi, but ended up accidentally teaching
his child about murder.
Daddy, what did the hunter do to Bambi's mama?
Great work Jeff.
If you have a fun adjacent dad fail story
that you wanna share, send it here.
Maybe we'll give you a shout out on the show next week.
Don't send me any more weird stories and force me to call
child services on you.
You know who you are.
So, to balance out our dad fail, we have our dad success.
And no one epitomizes dad success more than our next guest.
Really, our only guest, 'cause it's a quick video.
Here's some of his work:
- Dad, can we watch this?
- Yeah.
(gasp)
(hard rock guitar)
(upbeat music)
(gun fire)
(explosion)
Cool.
- Welcome to Paternity Leave, number one dad.
(rock music)
There he is, welcome to the show.
- Thank you. Thank you for having...
- Have a seat.
- Uh... - Yeah, it's, okay.
- Yeah, there's a bunch of wires and stuff back here.
- Yeah, we're doing a...
- Okay. - You wanna go over, or you...
- Uh, no that's cool. - Okay.
- Yep, yep.
- Your legs are...
- Yep, I think it's easier this way.
- Ah, great.
- There we go.
- All right, hey welcome to the show.
- Thanks for having me.
- Thanks for being here, yeah
and for waiting in my bathroom.
- You are out of soap.
- I know.
So how did you get to be number one dad?
Because I am interested in being number one dad myself.
- Yeah, okay, I got three points of advice.
- Great.
- All right, first you gotta be a dad.
- Boom.
- Got it? - Yeah.
- That's good. - Yeah.
- Two, you gotta do your best.
- All right.
- Some work to do in that department?
- Yeah, yeah, I can get that.
- All right, and third, you gotta be me.
- Okay. Uh, great advice.
Thank you for being here,
you can see all the number one dad stuff on The Dad.
It's been a pleasure.
- Pleasure's all mine.
Heeee!
- To quote a good friend of mine,
that video was funny,
fun
and fun.
I'm Rob King, thanks for watching Paternity Leave.
We'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)
- [Voiceover] I've abandoned my child!
I've abandoned my boy!