>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, TO OUR LIVE SHOW
FOLLOWING THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE IN CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST HAS BEEN GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY AND A
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE.
( APPLAUSE )
♪ OH, CHRISTIE OH, CHRISTIE.
>> Stephen: GOVERNOR, THANKS FOR BEING BACK HERE.
>> HAPPY TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW REPUBLICANS WHO WILL COME ON
THE SHOW.
>> THEY HAVE NO GUTS.
>> Stephen: THEY HAVE NO GUTS.
>> NO GUTS!
>> Stephen: DO THEY HAVE NO GUTS OR ARE YOU REALLY NOT A
REPUBLICAN ANYMORE?
>> I'M A REPUBLICAN.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DO EVERYTHING TRUMP SAYS WITHOUT
QUESTION?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THEN IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE NOT A REPUBLICAN.
>> THEN MAYBE I'M NOT A REPUBLICAN.
ALL THE OTHER REPUBLICANS HAVE NO GUTS.
THIS IS FUN!
>> Stephen: IT IS FUN, ISN'T 2?
>> WHY WOULDN'T YOU VICTIM COMEHERE AND HAVE FUN.
LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE!
>> Stephen: WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
>> ON WHAT OTHER PROGRAMS DO YOU DRINK ON LIVE TELEVISION?
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
GOT SOME MORE OF THIS GEORGE CLOONEY LIBERAL TEQUILA FOR YOU.
>> FIDRINK, THISY I MIGHT BE BERNIE SANDERS.
>> Stephen: TO DEMOCRACY.
FREEDOM.
>> FREEDOM.
>> Stephen: YES.
( APPLAUSE )
LIKE THAT.
OKAY, SO, YOU WERE HERE FOR THE FIRST DEMOCRATIC DEBATE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BACK IN JUNE OR JULY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> JULY I THINK IT WAS.
>> Stephen: LET'S TWIST AGAIN LIKE WE DID LAST SUMMER.
THIS IS THE TENTH DEBATE.
ARE YOU GIVING ME HONEST ANSWERS TONIGHT?
>> MOSTLY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.
>> BUT WHEN I'M GOING TO LIE, I'LL TELL YOU.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
WHAT DID YOU HEAR TONIGHT OVER THE SHOUTING?
>> YOU KNOW, ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS WAS WHEN JOE BIDEN TOLD
US THAT 150 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED BY GUN VIOLENCE
SINCE BERNIE SANDERS VOTED AGAINST THE BRADY BILL.
I'M LIKE THERE ARE 300 MILLION PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY.
HOW DID I MISS THAT?
HALF THE COUNTRY WAS KILLED.
I MEAN, JOE BIDEN IS LIKE-- IT'S LIKE HIS HEAD IS LIKE A FILE
CABINET DRAWER, BUT THERE ARE NO FILE FOLDERS.
( LAUGHTER )
GOES, "HOW ABOUT THIS!" AND HE PULLS OUTT OUT AND HE
STARTS SAYING STUFF LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE.
THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THAT TONIGHT WAS BLOOMBERG'S JOKES.
LIKE -- >> Stephen: HE DOES NOT HAVE A
GREAT JOKE WRITER.
I HAVE TO SAY THAT.
>> JOKE WRITER?
LISTEN, THIS GUY IT'S GREAT THING ABOUT DEBATES IS IT REALLY
LETS PEOPLE KNOW WHO ARE YOU.
>> Stephen: SO WHO WAS BLOOMBERG, IN YOUR OPINION?
>> THAT'S WHO HE IS!
>> Stephen: WILL HE WAS MAYOR WHILE YOU WERE GOVERNOR, RIGHT?
>> YOU BET YOUR ASS, HE WAS.
>> Stephen: I GET A SENSE THAT, PERHAPS, HE'S NOT YOUR
FAVORITE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY EVER.
>> WELL, LET ME JUST PUT IT THIS WAY.
TODAY, HE CELEBRATED THE FACT THAT HE GOT DAVID DINKIN'S
ENDORSEMENT.
REALLY, YOU'RE GOING TO GET EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALK ABOUT.
>> HE MAKES BILL de BLASIO LOOK GOOD.
>> Stephen: DID THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK TREAT OF GOVERNOR OF
NEW JERSEY LIKE A BRIDGE AND TUNNEL CROWD.
>> LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HE SAID TO ME ONE TIME.
HE SAID TO ME, "YOU EXCITED ABOUT BEING GOVERNOR?"
I SAID, "YEAH."
AND HE SAID,, THERE ARE ONLY TWO ELECTED JOBS IN AMERICA WORTH A
CRAP, MAYOR OF NEW YORK AND PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
BUT GOOD FOR YOU."
>> Audience: OH!
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> HE'S A CHARMER.
>> Stephen: SO-- SO NONE OF THIS IS PERSONAL FOR YOU, I'M
GLAD TO KNOW.
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: A TOTALLY OBJECTIVE RESPONSE FROM YOU.
>> HERE TI KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS NOT GOING TO BE LIKABLE WHEN I
SEE THEM, AND HE'S NOT LIKABLE.
AND TO WIN FOR PRESIDENT, IN THIS DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, YOU
GOTTA HAVE SOME OF THESE VOTERS FALL IN LOVE FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND I DON'T KNOW WHO IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH A GUY
TALKING ABOUT THE NAKED COWBOY WHEN NOBODY IN AMERICA KNOWS WHO
HE IS TAL TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT BERNIE TONIGHT.
>> ( IMITATING BERNIE.
>> Stephen: YOU WANT TO DO THAT.
THE KNIVES WERE OUT FOR BERNIE.
AND HIS BUDDY, FIDEL CASTRO.
>> IT'S A HUMAN RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: DID ANYONE MAKE A DENT IN BERNIE TONIGHT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> NO.
>> THE BEAUTY--
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, WAIT, RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU WORKING FOR
THE RUSSIANS?
>> I'M ON RETAINER.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE.
>> BUT IT'S A SMALL ONE, SO I'M NOT WORKING THAT HARD.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND, SURE.
>> BERNIE-- THE GREAT THING ABOUT BERNIE IS THAT THEY WERE
BASICALLY CALLING HIM A CASTRO-LOVING COMMIE TONIGHT,
AND HE WAS LIKE, "OKAY, ALL RIGHT, I AM.
NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT MEDICARE FOR ALL."
YOU KNOW, LIKE, HE DOESN'T CARE.
HE HASN'T CARED FOR 30 YEARS.
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINK THAT THE PEOPLE-- WHY DO YOU
THINK THAT HE HAS GOT, WHILE NOT THE MAJORITY OF THE SUPPORT IN
THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY RIGHT NOW.
HE'S GOT THE PLURALITY, TO USE A 20-CENT WORD.
>> BECAUSE HE'S ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE UP THERE TALKING ABOUT
IDEA S.
>> Stephen: ELIZABETH WARREN TALKS ABOUT IDEAS.
>> NO, SHE DOESN'T.
SHE USED TO TALK ABOUT ALL THE SAME ID IDEAS AND BACKED OFF OF
AND NOW THE PEOPLE WHO ARE PROGRESSIVES DON'T TRUST HER.
SHE IS IN NO-MAN'S-LAND.
HER TONIGHT, I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, SHE SHOULD HAVE GOT PUT IN THE
PENALTY BOX TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID SHE DO?
>> SHE RAN OVER ON EVERY ANSWER.
RAN RIGHT THROUGH THE STOP SIGN.
>> Stephen: IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET NORA O'DONNELL STOP YOU FROM
TALKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOVE YOU, NORA.
LOVE YOU!
BUT IF YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT YOU CAN'T LISTEN TO A TV PERSON.
>> THAT MEANS EVERYBODY ON THE STAGE, EXCEPT FOR JOE BIDEN,
COULD BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, BECAUSE NORA O'DONNELL
DIDN'T STOP ANYBODY TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: LOOK, ANYBODY COULD BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES, BECAUSE LOOK AT THE SCHMUCK WE HAVE NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> THAT'S A NICE-- COULD DO YOU THAT AGAIN?
THAT'S A NICE PIANO RIFF.
I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: ALL HE'S GOT ARE GOOD PIANO RIFFS.
>> I REMEMBER, I RAN AGAINST HIM.
LET'S CONTINUE TO REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU RAN AGAINST TRUMP.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TO DEBATE HIM?
BUTTIGIEG IS LIKE DO WE REALLY WANT TO SEE BERNIE VERSUS TRUMP?
>> YES!
RATINGS GOLD!
>> Stephen: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT SO MUCH--
>> SURE YOU DO.
>> Stephen: I DON'T!
>> DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT THE RATINGS HERE?
>> Stephen: I LOVE MY COUNTRY MORE THAN I LOVE MY RATINGS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNITED STATES.
OKAY?
THAT'S A POLITICIAN.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN.
>> YEAH.
YOU'RE-- I KNOW-- WHEN THEY WATCH THE SHOW, THAT'S WHAT
EVERYBODY IS THINKING-- "TO STEPHEN COLBERT.
AMERICAN HERO."
>> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, SO IF YOU'RE-- IF YOU'RE--
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: WE'RE LIVE WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LEAVE IT ON MY VOICE MAIL.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> Stephen: SO WHAT'S IT LIKE TO DEBATE DONALD TRUMP DONALD
TRUMP?
>> YOU CAN'T GET A WORD IN EDGE WISE.
THE WAY ALL SEVEN OF THEM WERE TALKING TONIGHT IS THE WAY
DONALD TALKED DURING THE DEBATE.
HE JUST KEPT GOING AND TALKING AND JUST GOT LOUDER AND LOUDER.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS REALLY HAD DONNIE BROOKS FOUR YEARS
AGO.
THAT WAS NOT SOME SORT OF DEBATING SOCIETY UP THERE.
YOU WERE GOING AT EACH OTHER'S HARD.
YOU ATE MARCO RUBIO AND SPIT OUT HIS TINY BONES.
>> YES, I DID.
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE THAT, TOO.
>> SOME MIGHT SAY THAT MAKES ME AN AMERICAN HERO, BUT WHO KNOWS?
I WOULD TELL YOU, THOUGH, THAT WHAT THIS WAS WAS LIKE A SCHOOL
YARD FIGHT.
LIKE, EVERYBODY SWINGING HAY MAKERS AT EACH ANOTHER.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE THIRSTY.
>> THEY'RE ALL DESPERATE.
THEY ALL LOOKED DESPERATE.
>> Stephen: EXCEPT BERNIE.
THE GUY IN THE FRONT ISN'T DESPERATE.
>> YOU SAW WHEN THEY WENT AFTER BLOOMBERG LAST WEEK, HE, LIKE,
WENT INTO THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM AFTER THE DEBATE.
>> Stephen: THEY HAD TO GET A BINDING U.N. RESOLUTION TO PULL
THE TROOPS OUT-- >> GET THEM OFF OF BLOOMBERG FOR
GOD'S SAKE.
THEY NEED YOU KNOW WHAT HE NEED, MARK BRELIN, THE GUY WHO THREW
THE TOWEL IN IN THE FIGHT OVER THE WEEKEND.
BLOOMBERG NEEDED THAT LAST WEEK.
THROW THE TOWEL IN.
HE'S CUT, HE'S BLEEDING.
BERNIE, NOTHING.
THEY KEEP YELLING AT HIM AND HE DOESN'T CARE.
THE HANDS START PLAYING "AND LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING."
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THAT'S WHY I THINK HE WILL BE A VERY INTERESTING OPPONENT TO
TRUMP, BECAUSE TRUMP WILL YELL AT HIM AND BERNIE WON'T CARE.
HE MIGHT NOT EVEN HEAR HIM.
WHONS?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU ARE A FAN OF THE PRESIDENT'S.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SO YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY GIVE ME AN HONEST
ANSWER.
>> I'LL TRY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK BERN CE BEAT HIM?
>> I THINK ANYBODY CAN LOSE OR WIN AN ELECTION, ANYBODY.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE NO RULES ANYMORE, RIGHT?
>> THERE ARE NO RULES ANYMORE.
ANYBODY CAN WIN OR LOSE IN AN ELECTION.
>> Stephen: SO THE MSNBC PEOPLE FREAKING OUT ABOUT BERN
REBEING A LITTLE PREMATURE.
>> THEY SHOULD FREAK OUT.
TYPICALLY SOCIALISTS DON'T DO WELL IN AMERICA.
>> Stephen: SOCIALIST POLICIES DO PRET WELL IN AMERICA.
YOU CAN'T CALL THEM SOCIALIST.
SOCIAL SECURITY, MEDICARE, THOSE ARE SOCIALIST POLICIES.
WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A BREAK BECAUSE I GOT APPLAUSE.
>> GREAT, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE GOVERNOR CHRIS
CHRISTIE.
YOU CAN ANSWER THEN.