-Here at "Late Night" every night,
I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes
written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk
that due to my being a straight, white male
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now in a segment
called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
[ Cheers and applause, upbeat music plays ]
[ Tape rips ]
These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny.
-I'm black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women!
-And I'm not, so here's how this works.
I'll read the setups for these jokes,
and then Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
Residents in California recently reported a man
who was passing out flyers claiming
that lesbian sexual activity causes cancer.
-Said lesbians -- "Worth it."
[ Laughter ]
-A company in Japan has created new software
that can help identify possible shoplifters.
-Possible shoplifters, or as CBS calls them, black people.
[ Laughter, woman groans ]
-Hey, Amber, what is the hardest store
for black people to shop at?
-J.Crew. But not because they accuse me of shoplifting.
Because the pants don't have room for my butt.
[ Laughter ]
-A Los Angeles woman is currently raising money
to film a lesbian version
of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."
-It's just five lesbians telling a straight woman
to throw out her makeup.
-But, Jenny, you're wearing makeup now.
-Oh, that's 'cause it's a special night.
-Oh. 'Cause you're on the show?
-No, because I'm going to Guitar Center later.
-Okay.
Former First Lady Michelle Obama was seen recently
dancing at a Beyoncé and Jay-Z concert.
-"Whoa, what is that?" said white people about dancing.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, now. Hold on.
[ Chuckling ] White people can dance.
-Prove it!
[ Laughter ]
Ugh, ugh.
No! [ Cheers and applause ]
Don't encourage him!
-No. -No.
No. That was pity clapping!
-[ Laughs ]
-A new study has found that men think their meals taste better
if an attractive waitress serves it to them.
-The study is called Hooters.
[ Laughter ]
-The black owner of an artisan lemonade store
recently had the police called on him by a neighbor
who thought he was breaking into his own shop.
-But to be fair, artisan lemonade store
does sounds like some white people nonsense.
[ Laughter ] -Hey.
I think artisan lemonade sounds good.
-You are white people nonsense.
-No! No! No. No. -Oh, no.
[ Cheers and applause ] -No. No. No. No.
-What? They're white.
They think it's fine.
-That applause is white privilege.
[ Laughter ]
If you ever wanted a definition of it, there you go.
-Hey! He's trying!
[ Laughter ]
-According to a recent study,
LGBT Americans are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease.
-So, bad news, Republicans. We won't forget.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-The city of Boston will soon have
its first ever black police commissioner.
-Said every other cop, "He's got a gun!"
[ Laughter ]
Hey, Seth? -What?
Why don't you tell one? -Oh, guys.
I don't think that's a good idea.
-Oh, come on. Just one.
-I feel if I do one of these, I'll get in trouble.
-No. -Seth, please.
-All right. All right. -Please?
-All right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-Give him a round of applause. He's been white all day.
[ Laughter ]
Probably tired.
According to a recent study,
lesbians are 14% more likely to orgasm during sex
than straight women.
Also orgasming during lesbian sex -- men.
-Seth, no! [ Laughter ]
-Whoa! Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. Let me try one more.
-Seth!
[ Laughter ]
All right. Seth...
-[ Laughs ]
It's very hard as a white man to get disapproval.
[ Laughter ] According to a new study,
teenagers raised by lesbian moms do just as well
or better than teenagers raised by straight parents,
but they can't dress for [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
-How dare you?!
-You told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-Black women and lesbians are liars!
♪♪
We'll be right back with Amy Adams, everybody.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪