-Welcome to "The Tonight Show: At Home Edition."
My name is Jimmy Fallon, and I am going to use
a kind of teleprompter right now.
And I'll take a picture of what I'm seeing
so you know what I'm seeing,
just so we can try to get through the monologue.
We'll do the monologue like this.
But, anyways, this is our show. Welcome. We have a great show.
Alex Rodriguez is here, "A-Rod," Rhett and Link,
music from Tones and I.
But, first, let's get to some jokes here, everybody.
Well, I'm so excited about tonight's show
because we are filming the entire thing
from Roger Goodell's basement.
That's right -- tonight was night one of the NFL Draft,
and this year, the commissioner announced
the picks from his basement.
And, of course, right when he started talking,
someone started vacuuming.
"Do you have to do that now?"
Hey!"
That's right -- tonight was the NFL draft.
You know things are nuts when the most exciting sports moment
in six weeks is a guy in his basement
reading names off an index card.
Yeah, it was a virtual draft, which got pretty frustrating
when players would be anxiously sitting at home and hear,
"The New England Patriots select..."
[ Audio cutting out ]
Congratulations."
"Who did he say? Was it me? Was it me?
Did you -- My phone's not ringing."
This year's draft was supposed to take place in Las Vegas,
but the NFL didn't want to put people's health in danger.
That's how crazy things are.
The NFL is more concerned about health
than the mayor of Las Vegas.
That's right -- everyone was talking about this yesterday.
Anderson Cooper interviewed the mayor of Las Vegas,
who wants to reopen the city,
and this image pretty much sums it up.
Yeah, the mayor wants to open Las Vegas back up,
and she's even come up with a few slogans
that will help encourage tourists to come back.
For example, there's "Vegas -- the stakes just got higher."
Then there's "Vegas -- it's a gamble."
Next, there's "Viva Las Virus."
There's also, "Vegas -- hot games, cold drinks, dry coughs."
And, finally, "Vegas, where 'Ocean's Eleven'
meets COVID-19."
Well, good luck to everyone involved.
Listen to this.
I saw that the first-ever YouTube video
was posted 15 years ago today.
The first comment was, "Love it."
The next was, "How cool."
And the third began a 15-year argument over politics.
Well, this isn't good.
I saw that Chipotle just agreed to pay $25 million
in food-safety fines.
Ah! Remember the good old days when the only deadly viruses
were in the lettuce at Chipotle?
I saw that the toy company Ty has debuted a new Beanie Baby
to raise money for the coronavirus recovery efforts.
It's a great idea that's expected to bring in
millions of dollars in the year 1995.
Check this out.
I heard that tie-dye is becoming
a big quarantine fashion trend.
It's awkward when a co-worker asks,
"Are you wearing tie-dye?", and you go,
"No, this is ketchup, mustard, relish, and Cheeto? Cheeto."
And, finally, I saw that the coronavirus lockdown
is increasing the demand for video-game coaches.
Wow. If you think people who sit around playing video games
all day is out of shape, imagine their coaches.
That's our monologue, everybody. Now it's time for "Hashtags."
♪♪
-♪ "Hashtags" ♪
♪ "Hashtags" ♪
-As I said, we have a great show tonight.
He's a superstar, one of the best athletes of all time.
Alex Rodriguez, "A-Rod," is on the show tonight.
We're going to be talking to him about some fun stuff
and we're doing a "Hot Ones."
That's right.
So all you sports fans out there,
not only do you get to see one of your favorites,
but he's also going to eat the spiciest wings
you've ever seen him eat, and Sean Evans
is going to help us out with that.
Also, we have our pals Rhett and Link,
who I miss so much.
"Good Mythical Morning."
YouTube superstars Rhett and Link will be on.
And we have great, great music from Tones and I,
who -- Of course, she sings "Dance Monkey,"
which was the biggest thing that we've, I think,
had on our show, virally.
Ooh, I can't even say "virally" anymore.
Popularity-wise?
Should I start over? -No.
-Yeah, okay. I don't know what to say.
I don't know -- It's the biggest thing that we've had
on our show, with like 80 million hits on YouTube.
I don't even know if they're hits.
Okay. Let's get right to "Hashtags."
Here we go.
The hashtag -- This is the game we play every week.
So if you want to play along, you can do this.
I will send out a thing probably on Tuesday
with a hashtag saying a subject.
Tonight's subject is "Quarantine Quotes."
Things that you've heard being under quarantine.
So, everyone sent in their favorite quotes.
We trended number 1 in the U.S.,
so thank you so much for doing that and playing the game.
We like to do this with you guys and we appreciate it.
So, here's the hashtags for quarantine quotes.
First one's from @Jamieboge.
She said, "There is no longer A.M. or P.M.
There is just coffee time or wine time."
This one's from @Chad0616.
He said, "There should be an ice-cream truck
that sells toilet paper."
That's thinking. That's a good man.
This one's from @thedoots. Thedoots.
They said, "I'm starting to get a tan from
checking my refrigerator."
See? It could happen. This one's from @rbellaruso.
She said, "My car is getting
three weeks to the gallon."
This one's from @marketingprofb.
He said, "I can't wait to see
what Instacart is going to substitute today."
"We don't have yogurt. Do you want toothpaste?
It looks like yogurt."
"No, thanks."
This one's from @stratladyk.
She says, "Now I understand why pets
try to run out of the house when the door opens."
These are quarantine quotes. Now this one's from @Joshrozner.
He said, "20 years from now, the country will be run
by people who were homeschooled by day drinkers."
[ Laughs ]
This one's from @Hollynherren. She said, "I better go.
One of my Sims is getting married."
You don't want to miss that.
That's a big moment -- milestone.
This one's from -- I remember I used to play "Sims."
Years ago, I was on "Saturday Night Live,"
and I was living in my studio apartment and I had --
You know, my bed was attached to the kitchen,
was attached the bathroom, was attached to --
Everything was in one room -- studio.
And I was in -- I changed my closet into a tiny desk,
a tiny office.
Not so many things have changed.
And I remember playing "The Sims,"
and I was making my -- I was eating a pizza.
I was hunched over, 'cause that's where --
The desk I built was there.
And I was eating a pizza and I was over, like, a paper plate.
And I'm making my "Sims" character run on a treadmill
'cause he was too overweight.
And I was like, "Lose weight! Lose weight!
Gosh."
Eating a whole pizza in a closet,
making a video game lose weight.
Alright, here we go. This one's from @mamabrianne.
She said, "Kids born in 2020
shall be known as Children of the Quarn."
Children of the Quarn.
This one's from @Jeremypimples. Come on. Come on.
Jeremy Pimples -- he said, "Crap, now I can't pretend
I'm not at home when the doorbell rings."
This one's from @ywilson2330.
She said, "The dumbest thing I ever purchased?
A 2020 planner."
What a waste of money, yep. This one's from @Webhank.
He said, "I said to my family, 'I can't think of three people
I'd rather be quarantined with.'
My 11-year-old immediately said, 'Oh, I can.'"
Those are our "Hashtags," everybody.
We have a great show tonight. Thank you so much for tuning in.
More of the "Tonight Show: At Home"
with A-Rod coming up.