- TODAY I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
I REALIZE THAT PORTIA HAS A PROBLEM,
AND I BELIEVE IT'S SERIOUS.
PORTIA IS ADDICTED TO LOTIONS.
SHE IS A LOTION HOARDER,
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO NOTICE THIS,
BUT SHE HAS BOTTLES AND BOTTLES OF LOTION.
THERE ARE BOTTLES THAT ARE LINED UP ON THE COUNTER,
WHICH I THOUGHT THAT'S ALL THERE WERE,
BUT THEN UNDER THE SINK THERE'S BASKETS OF LOTIONS.
SHE HAS LOTIONS FROM CHEAP DRUGSTORES;
SHE HAS REALLY FANCY ONES
FROM THE MARRIOTT AND THE HOLIDAY INN.
I KNOW.
LORD KNOWS WHAT SHE'S SPENDING ON THAT.
AND SHE HAS EVERY KIND OF LOTION THAT THERE IS,
AND THERE'S A LOT OF LOTIONS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT THERE'S A LOTION FOR YOUR FACE;
THERE'S A LOTION FOR YOUR HANDS;
THERE'S A LOTION FOR YOUR FEET;
THERE'S A LOTION FOR YOUR BODY.
WHY?
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU PUT LOTION ON YOUR FEET
INSTEAD OF YOUR HANDS?
WOULD YOUR FEET GET CONFUSED AND START CLAPPING?
WOULD THEY...
WHAT'S--HOW DOES IT DIFFER?
HOW DOES IT KNOW?
"OH, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE FEET, NOT THE HANDS."
AND EACH KIND SAYS SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR SKIN.
IT HAS ALOE OR SHEA BUTTER OR COCONUT
OR COCOA BUTTER OR VANILLA,
LEMON EXTRACT.
THAT'S ONE INGREDIENT SHORT OF A BUNT CAKE.
THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS IN THERE.
AND DON'T GET ME WRONG. I LIKE A LOTION.
I USE MOISTURIZER ON MY FACE. I HAVE TO.
IT'S MONEYMAKER.
AND I HAVE THE HAND LOTION I USE,
'CAUSE WHEN I SHAKE MY GUESTS' HANDS,
I LIKE TO EXPERIENCE MY SUPPLENESS OF MY HANDS.
BUT HAND LOTION CAN BE TRICKY,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE SMART ABOUT WHEN YOU PUT IT ON.
IF YOU PUT IT ON RIGHT BEFORE YOU WORK OUT,
YOU'RE GONNA SLIP RIGHT OFF OF THAT STRIPPER POLE.
THAT'S...
HARD TO HANG ON.
SLIDING AROUND, AND THEN YOU'RE ON THE GROUND.
IT'S HARD TO GET YOUR LEGS UP IN THE AIR.
YOU KNOW, LADIES.
AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW MUCH TO PUT ON TOO.
YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERDO IT,
BECAUSE THIS MORNING PORTIA GOT STUCK IN THE BATHROOM
FOR AN HOUR TRYING TO TURN THE DOORKNOB.
LIKE...
AND THEN I HAD TO REMIND HER THAT WE HAVE DOOR THAT SLIDES,
BUT ANYWAY...
SHE'S PRETTY.
AND...
I LOVE YOU.
HAVE YOU BEEN AROUND SOMEBODY WHO PUTS TOO MUCH LOTION ON
AND THEN THEY WANT TO GIVE YOU THE EXTRA?
UGH.
IT FEELS MORE INTIMATE THAN A SLEEPOVER.
THEY'RE ALL-- THEY'RE LIKE...
IF I'M GONNA LET A STRANGER RUB LOTION ON ME,
THERE'S GONNA BE CANDLES AND MUSIC
AND MALL SHOPPERS AROUND ME.
I'M NOT..
WELL, TODAY'S THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING,
AND I HAVE A SPRING CLEANING CHALLENGE.
EVERYONE SHOULD GET RID OF ALL THE LOTIONS
THAT THEY DON'T USE ANYMORE.
AND BY EVERYONE, I MEAN PORTIA.
AT LEAST COMBINE.
LIKE, THEY HAVE THE HALF BOTTLES AND--
COMBINE ALL THE HALF BOTTLES INTO ONE GIANT BOTTLE OF LOTION
THAT SMELLS LIKE A BABY EATING A CUCUMBER IN AN ORANGE GROVE.
THAT WOULD BE...
ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT LOTION.
TUNE INTO TOMORROW WHEN I TALK ABOUT
PORTIA'S EXTENSIVE NAIL POLISH COLLECTION.
AND NOW I SHALL LATHER YOU ALL UP WITH THIS DANCE.