Thanks for being with me in your living room or wherever
you are.
I appreciate it.
Thanks for the smiles.
How is everybody's weekend?
Had a good weekend, everybody?
Good to hear that.
Anybody else have to rush their wife to the emergency room
for an appendectomy, anybody?
No, just me.
So here's what happened.
So it started on Friday, in the evening around 7:30.
And I had just tried one of those relaxing drinks.
They're cold CAN, C-A-N. I don't know if anybody's
heard of this, but it's mostly CBD with a teeny tiny
2 milligrams of THC.
And I learned about it, Chelsea Handler told me about them.
So it was only a matter of time till I was topless.
Anyway, she said these things are amazing.
They help you relax.
So I'm sitting there watching TV with Portia.
And Portia said I'm not feeling well I want to go to bed
and it was like 8 o'clock.
That's early.
I'm not used to going to bed that early.
We go to bed around 8:30.
So I'm like, OK, well I'm not going
to just lay awake if you're not feeling well I want to sleep.
So I took these two sleep vitamins
that I take every single night.
And I tell you I've always had problems
sleeping if you've had problems sleeping.
It's a vitamin called Rae, R-A-E.
And they're just sleep vitamins works better
than anything I've ever had.
So I take these two sleep vitamins
and it's over the counter, it's safe.
And anyway it's about now 8:15 because I've done my steps.
So I'm laying in bed and I'm like conking out
just like so like ready to sleep and I hear something
and I look over to Portia is not in bed next to me.
And I call out are you OK?
And I here.
And I said baby are you OK?
So then I get out of bed and I find Portia on the floor
on all fours.
And I'm like, baby are you OK.
And she's like.
Yeah, I'm OK, I said, ''Well you're OK,
if you're playing twister by yourself, but you're not OK,
you're on the floor'' Anyway so I rushed to the ER.
And we're driving and she's in so much pain
and I'm worried about her.
And I don't know what's wrong with her because as you know,
I grew up Christian Science.
So my best guess was a demon?
I don't know.
So anyway they gave her a CT scan.
And I didn't know what that was.
They said CAT scan.
And I thought let's leave the cat out of this.
So anyway, they do the CT scan they still weren't sure
because there was a lot going on of inflammation.
So then said we have to admit her to the hospital
and they won't let me stay because of COVID.
And so that's upsetting to me.
They sent me home and I'm crying because someone was chopping
onions at the nurses station.
And the next morning they call and they said,
it's the appendix.
We have to take the appendix out.
And I'm Christian Science so I said to the doctor,
''Because of the demon?'' The appendix had the demon.
Anyway they hung up.
So later that day Portia and I were texting
and she's out of surgery but she was in a lot of pain.
And she's hooked up to an IV and they're giving her pain meds.
And she said, she was still in so much pain
she was asking the nurse to please give her more
and the nurse wouldn't because they said
the doctor has to approve it.
So she now is bargaining.
She said in exchange for pain meds
I'll give you tickets to Ellen's show.
And the nurses like I'm sorry I can't do that.
And so then she opted to 12-days tickets.
Anyway still wouldn't do it because that's the rules.
I am happy to report Portia is feeling much better now.
She's home, she came home late yesterday not all of her.
She left her appendix at the hospital.
No, the appendix.
I'm going to auction off the appendix for charity.
I'm kidding, it's going to go on eBay.
I'm kidding again.
I'm saving it, in case I write another book because I'll
put it at the end of the book.
The appendix you get it.
It would just be one book I guess.