♪♪ ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: OH, HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Jon: YEA, BABY!
YEA!
>> Stephen: HI, JON, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I AM SO GLAD, I ALMOST WORE THE SAME JACKET TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YOUR TIE ALMOST MATCHES MY JACKET.
>> Stephen: IT KIND OF DOES.
THEY'VE GOT THE FUCHSIA ON OVER THERE.
>> Jon: COLOR PALETTE, BABY, LET'S ROCK.
>> Stephen: YEAH!
JON, WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO GO TO SPACE?
>> Jon: I WOULD LOVE TO GO TO SPACE.
>> Stephen: YOU WOULD GET IN A ROCKET OR A SPACE PLANE AND GO?
>> Jon: ABSOLUTELY.
I WOULD SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE OUT THERE, I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY OUT
THERE.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD BE THE HARDEST -- I WOULD IMAGINE DRUMS
WOULD BE HARD TO PLAY BECAUSE THEY WOULD FLOAT AWAY AS YOU HIT
THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE, PAINSTAKINGLY PENCILING THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL
AND HEROIC STORIES, STAGING THEM IN METICULOUSLY PLANNED PANELS,
HAND-INKING THEM WITH THE PITHIEST DIALOGUE, THEN COLOR
BALANCING THE FINISHED PAGES TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GENRE-BENDING
ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION GRAPHIC NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I TEAR A PAGE OUT OF A WET NEWSPAPER I PEELED OFF
A SUBWAY SEAT, GRAB A BROKEN CRAYON I FOUND IN MY COUCH,
CRUDELY DRAW SOME FILTHY CARTOONS, AND SCRIBBLE IN AS
MANY CURSE WORDS AS I CAN IN THE PORNOGRAPHIC DRIFTER 'ZINE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: (ECHOING)
>> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY!
IT'S "MEANWHILE!"!
MY OLD FRIEND!
MEANWHILE...
TESLA'S LATEST UPDATE TO ITS AUTOPILOT FEATURE
APPARENTLY INCLUDES A WARNING THAT DRIVERS SHOULD STAY ALERT
BECAUSE THE CAR MAY DO THE WRONG THING AT THE WORST TIME.
TESLA CAR FUN FACT: THAT IS ALSO THE WARNING ON ELON MUSK.
AFTER TESLA ROLLED OUT THE UPDATE, MUSK DOUBLED DOWN,
TELLING DRIVERS: THERE WILL BE UNKNOWN ISSUES, SO PLEASE BE
PARANOID.
AGAIN, REALLY NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM THE GUY WHO MADE
YOUR CAR.
IT'S LIKE A PILOT SAYING (AS PILOT)
UHHH, ATTENTION PASSENGERS, W'VE REACHED 30,000 FEET AND
THERE WILL BE UNKNOWN ISSUES, SO PLEASE BE PARANOID.
IS THERE SOMETHING ON THE WING?
I DON'T KNOW.
AM I EVEN THE CAPTAIN, OR IS THIS JUST A DREAM?
EITHER WAY, I MAY DO THE WRONG THING AT THE WORST TIME.
WELCOME TO CHICAGO.
MEANWHILE, A NEW AUCTION RECORD WAS SET LAST WEEK WHEN A SKETCH
BY LEONARDO DA VINCI SOLD FOR OVER $12 MILLION.
NO OFFENSE TO LEO HERE, BUT FOR $12 MILLION, I HOPE IT WAS A
SKETCH OF A MAP THAT LEADS YOU TO A HIDDEN TREASURE WORTH $12
MILLION.
( LAUGHTER ) THE PIECE WAS ACTUALLY
A TINY SKETCH OF A BEAR, TITLED HEAD OF A BEAR.
A LITTLE ON THE NOSE.
BUT BETTER THAN DA VINCI'S ORIGINAL TITLE:
DECAPITATED PADDINGTON.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: THAT WENT DARK.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, THE WAR ON DRUGS IS
STILL GOING SUPER GREAT.
APPARENTLY, DRUG DEALERS ARE NOW MARKETING 'ETHICALLY SOURCED'
COCAINE, WHICH THEY CLAIM COMES FROM 'SUSTAINABLE SOURCES.
ALWAYS THE PRIMARY CONCERN OF ANYONE ON COKE.
(AS COKE HEAD) HEY, MAN, ARE THE FARMERS WHO
HARVEST THIS WELL-PAID?
LIKE 'FAIRLY COMPENSATED?
CUZ, I NEED TO HAVE A CLEAR CONSCIENCE WHEN I CRASH THIS
STOLEN AMBULANCE INTO A P.F.
CHANG'S.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LET'S START A BAND!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ACCORDING TO POLICE, IT'S
ALL A LIE, OF COURSE.
JUST A MARKETING PLOY BY COKE DEALERS TO DRIVE UP THE PRICE
AMONG LIBERAL BUYERS.
AND THEY'VE EVEN BRANDED IT WITH THE CATCHY NAME, 'WOKE COKE'
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU --
ALL COKE IS WOKE COKE.
( LAUGHTER ) USUALLY FOR ABOUT 36 HOURS.
AND YOU WILL GET A 'LOT' DONE.
MEANWHILE, WITH POT BEING LEGAL IN SO MANY STATES, THERE ARE NOW
REPORTS OF EXTREMELY HIGH POTENCY WEED LINKED TO PSYCHOTIC
EPISODES RESULTING IN PEOPLE SCREAMING AND VOMITING AT THE
SAME TIME.
A CONDITION PREVIOUSLY CAUSED ONLY BY DISCOVERING WHAT'S
ACTUALLY IN TACO BELL MEAT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SO COMMON THAT HEALTH CARE
WORKERS HAVE COINED A TERM FOR THE SCREAMING PLUS VOMITING
CONDITION: SCROMITING.
STILL LESS DISTURBING THAN SCROOPING.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SIR RICHARD BRANSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪