Which one of us would make the better bridesmaid?
Let's talk about that.
( music playing )
Good mythical morning.
Friends, I must advise you, today's episode is best enjoyed
with a red Solo cup, some buffalo wings and a smile
because we're gonna be performing the best ranch dressing keg stand
on this side of the Mississippi!
Well, either side of the Mississippi
because who's ever done a ranch keg stand before?
- I don't think anybody! - No one, that's who!
We'll also be taking a look
at the most expensive pets in the world.
But first, what's more expensive than an extravagant wedding?
And just because we're men, and trust me, we are.
Do we have to prove it at this point?
- Apparently. - I'd rather not
because of what that would entail.
That doesn't mean that we can't learn a thing or two
about how to become the perfect bridesmaid.
And we found the perfect person to help us do it.
It's time for...
( both singing )
Please welcome to the show professional bridesmaid Jen Glantz.
- Hey, Jen. - Hello, hi!
- ( applause ) - Hello. Thank you for having me.
And, that's right, we did say "professional bridesmaid."
So, Jen, you gotta tell 'em what that means.
So, for the past three years, I've been working for my company called "Bridesmaid For Hire"
where brides all over the country hire me
to walk down the aisle for them, give a wedding toast for them,
and be their bridesmaid for the day.
To make weddings less of a disaster.
Oh, I didn't mean to be negative, to make them awesome.
No, weddings are a disaster, I'll be real with you,
they are a crazy disaster.
Simply put, I say I'm the personal assistant,
the social director, I'm the on-call therapist,
and I'm the peacekeeper 'cause literally every wedding I've been to
has been a drama fest.
So is this for people who, like, don't have well-spoken friends?
No, you know, what I always say is it's for people who have friends,
but their friends are super busy,
their friends aren't the best of friends,
or it's for people who just grew apart from their friends.
People with bad friends.
Simply put, people with bad friends.
Who still want a great wedding.
Who wants to feel supported
because being a bride is the ultimate stresser.
- It is so hard. - Link: Yeah.
It's really a tough job to do.
Well, we're about to find out
just how difficult it is to be a bridesmaid.
So what we've done is we've created a series of challenges
- based on some of your work. - Yes.
And now we're gonna determine, once and for all,
who is the better bridesmaid.
( music playing, glass clinking )
Okay, Jen, what are some of the things we bridesmaids
should know about when it comes to giving a speech at the wedding?
I will tell you three things,
one, keep it short,
it should never be over two minutes.
- Okay. - Two, please avoid clichés.
Nobody wants to hear quotes from all those love poems we've all heard about
- over and over and over again. - ( blows raspberry )
- And finally... - Don't know those anyway.
Good, thank God.
And, number three, please avoid inside jokes
because you're talking to an audience and if they don't get
what happened on spring break four years ago,
no one's gonna laugh...
Purple raccoon hair?
- ( fake laugh ) - Anybody? ( chuckles )
- Rhett: Okay, so... - Oh, just you?
...we've got those three things,
but, for this round, what we're gonna do
is we have to give a speech,
we're actually gonna hold it to 60 seconds,
but we actually have to each pick three things out of this hat,
three random details, parameters or whatever
that we have to include in our speech.
- Ooh. - And I'm gonna go first.
I gotta remember three things?
Jen: I wonder what they are.
Me too.
Okay, these are three things I have to include in my speech.
And we're gonna be giving this toast to Bibiana
because that's the best name on "The Bachelor" this season.
- I like it. - Best "name."
"She has a happy trail that gets thicker every time she shaves it."
- Oh, gosh. - I think I know that is.
"She has a huge collection of frozen gerbils."
This is an interesting person.
"We met in prison."
Okay, Rhett, you've got 60 seconds,
you got your microphone there,
and your champagne there.
And your time begins...
now.
Bibiana,
I'll never forget that time that...
you snuck up and shivved that guy that was picking on me
out on the basketball court and he bled out in front of everybody.
Thanks for that.
It was at that time that I looked down and saw that happy trail of yours.
And then, lo and behold, you shaved it that night
and 48 hours later, it was like a blacktop highway.
Curt's gonna enjoy
travelling that happy trail tonight.
Curt.
Got something to look forward to.
Now, your future's gonna be like
your collection of frozen gerbils.
And what I mean by that is things can get cold in a couple,
in a relationship.
And sometimes you just have to reach in the refrigerator
that is your heart
and rub your gerbil
as hard as you possibly can until it comes back to life.
Let's give it up to Bibiana and Curt!
- ( applause ) - Time!
Uh...
Okay, I just wanna...
Okay, I'm not gonna comment.
Don't ask any questions.
You will judge both of us after I have had an opportunity
to give my hopefully better speech.
It's not easy to get those three details out there.
I can't remember three things.
I mean, I referenced mine, so just have them out if you have to.
"You are the only one who knows about her secret family."
- Oh. - Nice.
"She is banned from six different Applebee's."
Yeah, okay.
"She gets coffee enemas every Wednesday,
and she loves it."
Yeah, she does!
Goodness.
Here's your microphone, Link.
Time starts...
now.
"Bibliana," here's to you.
Or however you say your name.
We've had some good times.
Applebee's.
And then that other Applebee's.
And then that time when you were at the third Applebee's
and then they said you could never come back
because you were always going into the Applebee's totally naked.
And I was there for all of it.
With the happy trail, just going nowhere.
Here's the deal,
you've trusted me with some intimate, intimate knowledge
relating to that secret family of yours.
And I want you to know I will never tell anybody, ever
about your secret family.
If all of your un-secret family gathers around,
I will never once mention this secret family
because I love you that much.
- Seven seconds! - And you know what?
After this, why don't we go get one of those coffee enemas
like we always do?
You know? Just... lot of coffee up there.
Time! Time! Time!
- Link: That was difficult. - Nice job, nice job.
Okay, all right, Jen, what do you think?
Wow, that was very, very tough.
You had a great challenge ahead of you.
- Rhett: Yep. - But I'm gonna say
that I have to give it to Rhett
because he took the gerbil
and made it into a metaphor,
- and I am a sucker for metaphors in speeches... - Yes!
...so I have to give that one to Rhett.
( music playing, phone chiming )
Okay, Jen, you said that at times you have to be like a therapist...
- Yes. - ...for the bride.
- Oh, yeah. - And I'm assuming that
a lot of times the bride is getting cold feet
and is thinking about backing out,
so how do you handle that situation?
A lot of times I get phone calls in the middle of the night
talking about how the bride doesn't want to go through with the wedding,
how she doesn't know which salad dressing to choose for her wedding...
- That's a tough one. - ...the littlest details, yeah,
it falls on me, so when the bride calls with a big dilemma,
the number one thing I like to say,
and I think you guys will be good at that,
is use humor.
Make it fun, make her laugh,
if you can make a person laugh,
you can get them down the aisle.
- Okay. - Okay.
It's good because we're about to receive a phone call
from our bride in need of some emotional support.
- And she's got cold feet. - Jen: Yeah.
But before she calls, we need you to assign us some parameters
to work within, and make it even more difficult.
- Yes. - I'm gonna make it a little bit more challenging.
So, Rhett, you are going to have to speak to her in rhymes.
And that's not it, you're also going to be
against recycling.
- Clearly. - Okay?
What rhymes with "recycling," Rhett?
I don't know.
But, Link, yours is a little challenging
because you need to act like you are on a roller coaster
and that you have a conspiracy that horses
are just big dogs.
( laughs ) That's pretty good.
Horses are just big dogs?
- That's your challenge. - Okay.
Any second now, we should be getting that phone call.
Rhyme with "recycling."
- ( phone chiming ) - Oh.
Oh, our phones are ringing together.
- Hello? Tick, tick, tick. - Hello?
I can't do it!
I can't go through with the wedding,
it's all a mess, I can't do it anymore!
Ellie, just calm down,
breathe in through the mouth and out through the ears.
Yeah, Ellie, tell me all your problems.
- I'd really love to solve 'em. - I can't do it!
I was looking up on Instagram,
I found his seventh grade girlfriend,
she's a competitive ice dancer
and I think he must be in love with her!
And if he's not in love with her, that's crazy,
that's weird,
I don't think I should marry him anyway.
( screaming )
- Ellie... - I agree.
...just calm down, girl.
Listen, you've already made the choice
now all you need to is just fa...!
...ollow through with it.
- You ever ridden a horse? - ( Rhett chuckles )
Once, when I was in summer camp.
Okay, you say that she's an ice skater, but...
you don't have to hate her
because the thing that you should hate is recycling
because it's overhyped and unnecessary for the environment.
Whoo! Wait,
you know what, Ellie?
Have you ever ridden a dog?
When I was a kid.
Well, did you know that if you rode a dog,
you've also ridden a horse?
Because I'm pretty sure they're the same thing.
What does that have to do with anything?
- Link: It's like... - There's something wrong with his brain.
It's like, as scary as it is to ride a horse,
if you've known you've ridden a dog,
then you know you don't have anything to worry about
when marriage seems scary.
Let's get back to the issue at hand,
you really, really need to marry this man.
Oh! Oh!
Why am I the only one moving?
Okay. Well, I have to go...
Feeling better, Ellie?
You guys all make really good points.
I'm definitely never gonna recycle
and I love dogs.
But I have to go, I have a laser hair,
nipple hair removal, and... gotta go. Bye!
Did she say "nipple hair"?
- Ugh. - ( Jen laughs )
Okay.
Okay, all right.
- Wow. - That was difficult.
- It is. - I don't know if we succeeded.
I can't tell if she's in or out.
I think, after listening to both you
talk her down the aisle,
Rhett you did a great job with the rhymes,
great job with your point of view on recycling,
but, Link, you got her to laugh,
you got her to calm down,
you used your conspiracy theory to talk her down the aisle,
so I have to give this one to you.
- What? - Yeah! Whoa!
-
Now you've probably seen some bridesmaids get into vicious fights
over the bouquet because they know,
if you catch that bouquet,
your chances of dying alone significantly decrease.
- Right. - But, Jen, tell us,
what is the proper etiquette
for catching a bouquet as a bridesmaid?
So I've caught a lot of bouquets in my lifetime.
I'm gonna give you two quick tips,
one, stay low, squat down, get low.
- Oh, that's a problem. - Why is that?
Because when things are being thrown at you,
then you can jump higher.
So you gotta get as low as you can go.
- I know it's tough. - I don't think there's a lot of jumping happening in these.
I know it's tough, but you gotta get low.
The second tip is stay wide. You wanna extend your body
- 'cause things can be flying here, here, here. - Low and wide.
You wanna be able to grab them no matter where they come to you.
- Okay. - Okay.
So we've got some beautiful,
mythical brides over here.
Becca, Ellie, and Jen.
They're gonna be throwing
some bouquets towards us,
but not every bouquet is worth catching,
some of them are decoys
and we shouldn't catch them.
Since we're tied, since I won round one,
- you won round two... - Yes?
...whoever has more bouquets on their person
at the end, 'cause you gotta hold 'em all,
is our best bridesmaid.
All right, let's get to it.
All right, brides, turn around
and start tossing your bouquets.
( dinging )
( Rhett and Link grunting )
Oh, no, bad.
You're getting too close!
Oh, what is that, a bag of sugar?
You can't get close!
A freakin' bag of flour.
Oh!
( slow-motion ) Oh!
Oh!
( normal ) Oh! You nailed me in the face!
What was that?
( laughter )
You nailed me right in the face!
Oh, my gosh!
Well, she's just throwing a--
Hey, that's edible art!
Oh, my...
I'm so scared now.
I can't feel the right side of my face!
I smell-- is that carrots?
Link: Oh!
( grunting )
You're in the middle, you jerk!
Man: Five, four,
- three, two, one. - Throw it!
Whoa!
- All right. - Okay.
- Jen: All right. - What? First of all...
( laughter )
Did something hit you in the face?
Oh, you got a little bit right there.
What the crap?
- Like right in there. - Hit me... in the face!
I think it was flour.
Based on the...
the consistency and the color.
( stammers )
Who's president? I don't know.
- Don't tell me. - Okay.
Being a bridesmaid is tough,
but I think it's very apparent who won this round.
Rhett, you collected the most bouquets,
so you are the ultimate bridesmaid.
- But, you know what? You look great, Link. - Jen: Yeah.
But I guess I'm the best bridesmaid
on "Good Mythical Morning."
- Yay! - I'm coming for you.
( laughter )
Stay tuned 'cause we're about to do ranch dressing keg stands.
You're gonna be okay?
Welcome to the jungle, baby.
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