Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it....
I fucking hate Bio-Dome!
I fucking hate Bio-Dome!!
I fucking hate Bio-Dome!!!
I fucking hate it!!!!!
I hate it!
I hate it!!
I HATE IT!!!
I HATE IT!!!!!!
AYAYAYAYAYAYA–
*splash*
Thank you.
Anyway,
I fucking hate Bio-Dome.
♪ ["Adirectional" by Fourth Grade Nothing] ♪
I mean, I don't think I've seen a more annoying and obnoxious piece of cancerous ass!
It's so grating and ear-rapingly bad,
that I'm surprised the movie itself hasn't been arrested for indecent exposure!
It may not be the worst movie,
but trust me, it's in the top five.
This is the movie,
these are my WRISTS after watching the movie,
and these are the notes I took during watching the movie.
I never been so happy to get something over with,
so let's just go ahead and get this over with.
So, the film starts appropriately enough by throwing its garbage at us.
A fitting metaphor.
We see our main stars listed,
Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin,
which honestly begs the question, how bad do you have to be to be listed UNDER Pauly Shore?
The credits roll on like a cinematic ransom letter,
until the story finally begins.
Narrator: The place is the Arizona desert.
Here, a team of scientists and investors has come together to create the first space station on Earth.
A self contained world. A pure environment.
Their mission will be: to sustain life for one year while living in harmony with nature.
NC (as narrator): They're co-naming it "The Really Stupid Experiment".
Narrator: Congratulations, Bio-Dome Five, and good luck!
NC: So while THAT waste of time is going on,
we cut to an even BIGGER waste of time!
This playful scamp is named Squirrel,
played by the Devil's pubic hair himself, Pauly Shore.
Squirrel: Paper covers rooock! You loooose! *laughs* Buckwheat!
[weird noises and sounds]
NC: That was the first line.
Literally, the first line he says makes me want to lobotomize myself.
We have to watch a whole MOVIE with this anus!
Now for those of you who are young, and have no idea who Pauly Shore is...
good.
[high-pitched squealing]
Doyle: Stubby, Squirrelly TRIBALLL!
[don't ask]
NC: So Shore is joined by his good buddy, Stephen Baldwin,
who plays another idiot named Doyle [AKA "Stubs"].
They live in that wonderful time of the '90s, where stupid guys didn't really HAVE to have jobs,
and yet somehow, they live in relatively nice places.
Oh, and they also somehow date really hot chicks as well.
Come on, are we REALLY supposed to believe the '90s were like that?
90s Kid: DUUUUUDE! The '90s are like that, man!
People like us don't NEED jobs because we're delightfully quirky!
Houses and babes just drop into our laps!
NC: But 90s Kid, there's got to be SOME reason why lazy morons keep getting good stuff back then!
90s Kid: Nope, that's just how we roll.
What you see is what you–
[knock on the door]
NC: What was that?
90s Kid: Oh, it's probably just my landlord with another eviction notice.
[bashing sound]
A-and a battering ram.
[gun cocking]
And a... sawed-off shotgun. Gotta go!
[gunshot]
NC: Anyway, back to the review.
So Squirrel and Doyle spend most of their time hitting each other with books and explaining why it's smart.
Monique: I can't believe you'd crack Doyle's skull just to get out of this!
Squirrel: You don't understand. The book fell on him. I mean, well, he fell on the book. They collided.
Monique: Bullshit!
NC (mocking Monique): Bullshit!
Monique: God, it is JUST like you two to try and weasel out of your responsibilities on Earth Day.
NC: Oh, and by the way... YES, that is the lesbian with the funny voice from Chasing Amy.
The only thing that gives me hope for all of this is that she CASTRATES Pauly Shore and starts making out with the brunette!
Buuut I don't think the writers are smart enough to do something so stupid.
Jen: Well, they're getting better. They're taking yoga.
And you're the one that keeps on raving about how flexible Bud [Squirrel] is getting.
Monique: There is something about a man who can lick his own back.
NC: What am I supposed to say to that?
So it turns out these two are super-environmental bimbos, and want to help clean the environment for Earth Day.
But their dumbass boyfriends have even more important things to do:
like...
being dumbass boyfriends!
Monique: We met these guys from Arizona Tech, and they're taking us out to this kegger at Vasquez Lake.
Squirrel: WHAT?! You met MEN?!
Monique: Oh, and they're on the swim team.
Squirrel: Our girls have been seduced by breaststrokers.
Monique: *giggles* They bought it!
NC: So they set out to find their girlfriends, because they're afraid that they're gonna sleep with some breaststroke swimmers.
They should just retitle this movie "Stupid White People Doing Stupider White Things!"!
Squirrel: Oh, check out that mall, man.
Doyle: Oh, must be the grand opening.
[reading]: "Bio-Dome" [Squirrel chuckles]
Think that means it goes both ways?
Squirrel: I don't know, but we do.
[both wagging their tongues and vocalizing like morons]
NC: Never do that again, for the love of GOD!
So they get to the spot, only to find out that the ladies tricked them.
Doyle: There used to be fish here, remember?
Squirrel: Yes I do, Doyle.
A long time ago when we were kids, right?
*gurgling*
Kid Doyle: Leave Bud alone, Mom!
Bud's Mom: l'm teaching Bud how to hold his breath underwater.
Much better, Bud. Now let's try for three minutes.
NC (childish tone): YAAAAYY! YOU TRIED TO TELL A JOKE!!
(normally): You get a vast, empty void of SILENCE!
[vast, empty void of silence]
So as they start to head back, they come across the Bio-Dome,
which looks more like Bio-Pringles-Cans,
as the five scientists get ready to head inside.
Dr. Noah Faulkner: Please, I would like to introduce my team.
Mr. T.C. Romulus, our entomologist...
Ms. Petra Von Kant, our oceanographer...
and Ms. Mimi Simkins, our agriculturalist.
NC: That's not an agriculturalist, that's Miss October!
In fact, only TWO of these people look like real scientists!
The rest look like fashion models! How phony is that?
Haven't you SEEN any movie scientists? They got white lab coats and messed up hair?
Like Doc Brown! Played by Christopher Lloyd! THAT was a scientist!
THESE guys are GQ covers! They're an insult to movie scientists everywhere!
What would Christopher Lloyd say?
NC: Oh, that's good to know. Thanks, Christopher Lloyd!
Oh, by the by, does this head scientist look familiar to you at all?
Walter Peck: Oh, I'll tell you what's hazardous! You're facing Federal prosecution for at least a half a dozen environmental violations.
NC: That's right! It's Walter Peck from Ghostbusters! And yes, he's an environmental douche in this movie too.
Dr. Faulkner: But one day, to sustain life... on new worlds far, far away.
So Squirrel and Doyle sneak their way in to take a piss,
while the Nazi from Blues Brothers seals the Bio-Dome up with the scientists inside.
But... wait a minute...
(fake surprise) OH NO! THEY'RE not supposed to be in THERE!
I smell shenanigans!
Or in their case, SHIT-nanigans!
Dr. Leaky: Get! Them! Out! NOW!!!
Dr. Faulkner: The doors are sealed for one year. I can't open the doors.
Because if I open the doors, the integrity of all the scientific data is compromised!
Mayor from Ghostbusters: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, it's true.
This man has no dick.
Petra Von Kant: Adding two more at this stage will throw the whole system off balance.
Dr. Faulkner: Then the system...
...will adapt.
NC: Ah, yes, let's go over this again:
They can either just open the door up and let them out, simply starting the countdown over again,
or they can let these idiotic timebombs stay inside, and most likely destroy everything.
What did these morons study BEFORE this?! The Environmental Impact Of BIGFOOT?!?!
So because space is tight, they have to have them stay in the janitor's closet,
where the idea for this movie probably should've stayed.
Squirrel: For the blanket.
(high-pitched): ♪ You lose the blanket! ♪
For fun.
[high-pitched laughing like a dying dolphin on helium]
NC: Oh, good! I just heard the soundtrack to my night terrors for the next few weeks!
[high-pitched laughing like a dying dolphin on helium... but echoing this time!]
But Squirrel and Doyle find they can't just stay confined to one room.
So it's raping time!
♪ ["I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow] ♪
[women scream... and understandably so] Get outta here!!
NC (as Doyle): Heh-heh! We're rapists AND adulterers! [laughs like Butt-Head]
Squirrel: ♪ Doyle of the Jungle! Friend to you and me! ♪ [obnoxious dolphin-laughter]
NC: So.... yeeeah, the majority of the movie is just these guys acting like douche-monkeys,
as the audience scratches their head trying to figure out what's supposed to be funny about it.
[babbling like doofuses]
Doyle: l'm a Sherman tank! Sherman taaaaaaaaaaaank!
*thud*
[Squirrel makes more high-pitched derp noises]
NC: Has anyone else noticed that Pauly Shore is to white people what Jar Jar Binks is to black people?
I have to say, I'm very offended!
Squirrel: So, um, hey, I know yoga!
Look!
*grunting*
♪ ["We Care a Lot" by Faith No More] ♪
[Petra laughing] I do it like that.
NC: Hey, that's the best performance of the movie:
Finding Pauly Shore funny. That is NO easy task!
Squirrel: Hey, wait, wait! Okay, maybe l'll show you some other maneuvers later.
NC: Eventually, their girlfriends find out where they are, as they go to visit them.
Doyle: Listen, maybe you're not aware of it, but were a vital part of the homeosystem.
Monique: Don't you think your couch is having withdrawals?
NC (mocking Monique's voice again): Don't you think you should get back to your Jennifer Tilly impersonation?
Squirrel: We gotta go. Bye.
♪ [soft, slow alt-rock song] ♪
Monique: Bye.
♪ [soft, slow alt-rock song] ♪
NC: OH, yeah! THAT's what I'm talking about! Touch each other, touch–
DAAAH!! Goddammit!
Squirrel (imitating a supermodel for some reason): I am SO fat! Doyle: No, you're not!
Squirrel: Nobody likes me! Doyle: You're beautiful. Squirrel: People didn't like me in high school!
Doyle: Everybody loves you! Squirrel: Oh, thank you!
You know, I think this film is the Hot Pockets of movies.
Nothing substantial, and most likely will cause diarrhea.
♪ ["Spider-Man Theme" by The Ramones] ♪
Squirrel: You ready? Hut one! Hut two! Hut, hut, hike!
NC: I'm beginning to think this movie is the predecessor to all those really BAD YouTube videos you see.
You know, the ones where two DICKHEADS do DICKHEAD-ish things,
while one DICKHEAD laughs at the other DICKHEAD while that DICKHEAD gets hurt, but sadly isn't crippled for life!
That's this movie.
♪ [faux-tropical music] ♪
GOD! Every new edit in this film hurts me.
Squirrel: Good afternoon, Petri dish.
(fake French accent): Allow ME!... to présentER!...
Château Squirrelly-Stub! It's a bit plucky.
Mimi Simkins: So that's what happened to our fruit harvest.
Squirrel: Mini-Tribal!
*humming*
Doyle: Marco! Squirrel: Cholo!
[water swishing]
Doyle: Marco! Squirrel: Cholo!
NC: OKAY! THESE two... were DROPPED!
Either that, or they're some kind of special-needs kids, but, there's NO way these are normal, functioning people!
Especially if they think that THIS SHIT IS FUNNY!!!!!!
[screaming, crashing, and general havoc]
They're worse than CANCER!
If a doctor came up to me and said I had a bad case of Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin, I'd cut off my head with a FORK!!
*smash*
Squirrel: Dammit, dammit, dammit!
NC: And by the way... THIS IS IT!
This is all they show for, like, FORTY-FIVE minutes!
Once in a while, they'll come back to a pointless scene with Marilyn Manson's ex-girlfriend here,
who's dressed like something out of Pleasantville for some reason,
but other than that, it's just this!
WILL YOU JUST DECAPITATE THEM ALREADY?!?!?!?!
[slapping, grunting, and punching]
Steve Martin from Planes, Trains & Automobiles: Here's a good idea...
Have a point!
It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!
[opens can]
Doyle: *gasp*
Squirrel: [makes a sound resembling a high-pitched siren]
NC: Sweet Crispy JESUS! EVERY time one of them speaks,
I hear a child being murdered!
I'm not kidding! That's SERIOUSLY what I hear every time one of them TALKS!
[unpleasant (and unfunny) sounds of children screaming and guns firing]
So the scientists
(deep voice): FINALLY
(normal): come to their senses and ditch the two bungholes in their indoor desert.
Leaving them little-to-no means of survival.
Dr. Faulkner: The idea being that while we are HERE...
YOU... are there.
NC: Congratulations, movie! You have me TOTALLY siding... with the bad guy!
Walter Peck in a mullet is the more credible choice here.
That's how bad we've gotten!
Petra: We can't just leave them there.
Dr. Faulkner: They are a symbol of everything that is wrong... with this world.
Walter Peck: Captain, these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act!
NC: I know this seems incredibly unrealistic, as scientists wouldn't usually partake in...
murder...
but, I don't care!
If it's Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin's murder, it's all for the greater good!
Mysterious cloaked figures from Hot Fuzz: The greater good.
So they spend several days practically starving to death, when they come across an interesting discovery.
Doyle: A key!
NC: WAIT A FUCK-NUGGET!!!
You mean this AIRTIGHT, TOTALLY concealed BUBBLE could have been opened this WHOLE TIME with just a KEY... in the BACK GLASS DOOR?!?!
Ow.
Ow! Th-This plot hole is so bad, it’s actually PHYSICALLY hurting me!
OWW!
Sooo, what do they do now that they're finally released out of their environmental prison?
Throw a party, of course!
As they invite everyone they know back to the Bio-Dome, so they can have a ROCKIN' good time!
The girlfriends hear about it at some sort of Earth Day event, where they–
TENACIOUS D???
Jack Black: ♪ Don't say we didn't save some friggin' treeeees! ♪
NC: Oh, my God! REAL COMEDY!! REAL COMEDY AT LAST!!!!!
Oh-ho-ho! SAVE me, Tenacious D!! HELP me to LAUGH AGAIN!!!!
Slacker dude who isn't Tenacious D: Party at Bio-Dome? All right, lets go!
NC: NNNNNOOOO!!!!
NNNNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!
GO BACK TO TENACIOUS D, YOU ASS-MONGRELS!!!!!!
DON'T YOU KNOW REAL COMEDY WHEN YOU SEE IT?!?!?!?!
Doyle: I could get used to this–
NC: DAAAAAAAAOOOOHHHH!!!!
How DARE you cut back to those cock-eaters?!?!
You PASSED over the ONLY talented people in the movie, you MORONS!!!!!!!
It's like looking at the line-up of the world greatest martial artists and being like,
"Jackie Chan? I don't think so."
"Bruce Lee? Maybe next time."
"Steven Seagal!! Get in there!
AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
Squirrel: Monique! Jen! Welcome to paradise!
NC (as Squirrel and Doyle): We're still not funny!
Jen: Doyle, look at this place. It's being destroyed!
Doyle: I thought you guys wanted, like, a big environmental party.
Monique: You assholes!
NC (mocking Monique yet again): You assholes!
Monique: Bud, you're killing the Bio-Dome.
Partygoers: [chanting "Party! Party!"]
NC: So after the party is over, and they've destroyed pretty much everything the Bio-Dome was trying to accomplish,
they try to put it back together again!
By restoring all the clean air through just picking up everything!
Great, that's like trying to fix Hiroshima by handing out Band-Aids!
Mimi: Do you have any idea how impossible it would be to make this place habitable again?
Doyle: We're taking over this dome!
T.C.: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIE.
NC (as T.C.): I. AM. ACTIIING!!
(normal): Seriously, this film couldn't get any less funny if they just... SHOT a clown!
[gunshot] News anchor: Back, and to the left.
...a clown.
Elsewhere, the infamous Bio-Dome is back in the news.
NC: My GOD! You're ACTUALLY trying to kill comedy, aren't you?
You're trying to... physically DESTROY everything that is humorous in this world!
You're not gonna get away with it! No! No!
How much of this movie is left?
Fifteen minutes?
Alright, I'm just gonna rush through it, thwarting your diabolical plan! You sick, sick, FUCK movie!
Walter Peck goes mad, and disappears for awhile, but returns as the Unabomber.
Literally; his hair grows long, he has a beard, and he gets explosives to try to blow up the place.
He does this by combining nitroglycerin with coconuts–
Just go with it. It'll be over faster.
But his plan doesn't work,
as the explosion seems to happen NEXT to the coconuts instead of actually IN them.
But he also has a detonator, and plans to use it to blow up the entrance.
Dr. Faulkner: [grunts loudly]
Squirrel: Give me the detonator.
Dr. Faulkner: What is the magic word?
Venkman: Please!
*explosion*
NC: The bombs blow up, but mysteriously, and unfortunately, nobody is hurt.
The boys reunite with the girls, people confuse this experiment for a giant success,
and Walter Peck ends the movie by doing his best Flying Circus impression.
"It's" Man: It's...
♪ [Theme to Monty Python's Flying Circus] ♪
Flying Circus Announcer: Monty Python's-a Flying Circusssss!
NC: Brought to you by the worst of humanity!
THIS IS AWFUL!!! I mean, AWFUL!!!!!
All the funny is replaced by a giant cauldron of annoyance!
I just can't comprehend how bad this movie is!
It's just two REALLY unfunny people doing REALLY unfunny things, and confusing it... for something really funny!
I haven't been aggravated by a movie like this for a long... long time!
And that's saying something considering the movies I'VE reviewed!
FUCK this movie!!!
(deep demonic voice): FUCK this movie FOREVAH!!!
(normal): I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
Gaaah!! [slams table]
[multiple gunshots]
*spitting*
*slam!*
I remember it so YOU don't have to!!
Ooogh!
♪ ["Adirectional" by Fourth Grade Nothing] ♪
Monique: Bullshit!