Now that printable guns are reality,
it's even more likely that anyone could have a weapon
on them at any time.
That's why airport security is more important than ever.
Woman: TSA is considering allowing thousands of passengers
to board commercial airplanes across the United States
without being screened.
Well [bleep] me.
Yes, the TSA might eliminate screenings
at more than 150 of the country's smaller airports.
And sorry for the people who live in fly-over states,
but according to the U.S. government,
your lives are literally worth less.
Woman: An elimination of security screening
at small and some medium-sized airports
that operate commercial planes with 60 seats or fewer.
Their operating theory is attacks with small aircraft
would not be as attractive a payoff to terrorists
because the potential for loss of life would be less
than what terrorists could achieve with larger planes.
Terrorism isn't a numbers game.
Killing 60 people in a plane hijacking is pretty respectable.
They can't all be 9/11.
Which I believe is an inspirational poster
on the wall of ISIS headquarters.
[ Laughter ]
Ah, you hang in there, Ahmed!
You hang in there!
Come here.
I'll let you in on a little secret, though.
The TSA doesn't really do a whole lot of anything.
The new report by the DHS Inspector General
found continued problems with TSA screening procedures.
The exact findings remain classified,
but sources say, in tests, possibly over 70% of the time,
explosives and weapons were able to get through checkpoints.
Just two years ago,
testing found a 95% failure rate.
95% failure rate.
If they suck that bad, then, by all means,
get rid of the TSA. No one will mind.
See, life is a constant tradeoff between safety and irritation.
We could prevent every car accident
if everyone drove at 10 miles an hour.
But we don't, because we have shit to do, right?
[ Laughter ]
When a terror attack happens,
I always think, "Oh, my God, that is awful.
That's gonna hold up the security line. God."
[ Laughter ]
What's next?
They're gonna make us take our shirt off?
Now I have to be early and do sit-ups.
[ Laughter ]
And people are gonna see my Cosby tattoo!
[ Laughter ]
In all fairness, I got it a long time ago --
last year, when I thought he was gonna get off.
[ Laughter ]
The TSA is the most obvious example
of what we call security theater.
We go through the motions with metal detectors,
removing shoes, and tiny bottles of shampoo
and the Quaaludes, right?
[ Laughter ]
But none of that shit makes us safer.
It just makes us feel safer.
It seems important on the surface,
but it's really worthless,
like Purell dispensers or monogamy.
[ Laughter ]
And it's not just airports.
We fake comfort security theater
at concerts, theme parks, sporting events.
Like, a guy shining a pen light into your bag
may make you feel better, but there's no way it's helping.
Check out this security guard
at a Premier League soccer match.
[ Laughter ]
That guy's like me during foreplay!
[ Laughter and applause ]
"All right, that should do it.
Let's head on in."
[ Laughter ]
Going through the security line makes us feel better
because we're really bad at calculating
what is a real risk and what isn't.
Respond to the feeling of security and not the reality.
People underestimate risks in situations they do control
and overestimate them in situations they don't control.
So once you take up skydiving or smoking,
you downplay the risks.
If a risk is thrust upon you -- terrorism is a good example --
you'll overplay it because you don't feel like
it's in your control.
Terrorism sounds scary because it's beyond our control.
But the truth is, we're more likely to die choking
or drowning in the bath than a terror attack.
For [bleep] sake, 29 people a year die being buried alive.
And that's the bad kind of buried alive,
not the good kind where you pass out drunk
and you wake up with a mermaid tail and great tits.
[ Laughter ]
I have no friends. Some local kids did that to me.
[ Laughter ]
TSA employees are kind of like mall Santas.
I know they aren't really doing anything.
They're typically just fat guys in uniform
that have to deal with the bratty public,
and they have to answer the same questions over and over.
Also, I once had a mall Santa order me to remove my clothes
so he could give me a pat-down.
[ Laughter ]
Look, it was a different time back then.
2014.
[ Laughter ]
But my son believes mall Santas are real.
And most people believe that the TSA is actually doing something.
And I think sometimes it's good to at least feel secure.
But instead of worrying about terrorism,
we should be worried about the other shit
that is more likely to kill us,
like lightning or parachute accidents.
That's why our studio security doesn't even screen for guns.
We do have a strict, uh...
no lightning, no parachutes, no shovels, no bathtubs,
no fatty foods, no sharp objects, no fireworks,
no bees, no tight clothing, no peanuts, no bad luck,
no drop bears, no sudden illness, no zombies,
and just no pianos.
I've always thought it was an overrated instrument
that takes up too much of the room.
[ Laughter ]
So here at "The Jim Jefferies Show,"
we're serious about your safety.