NARRATOR: From the director of all those Russell Crowe
movies you never saw.
And the writer of LOST’s unsatisfying final episode.
Comes a sort-of prequel that doesn’t use the best parts of the Alien franchise.
Prometheus.
A film whose first 30 minutes are mostly landscape shots.
Where two scientists are on a quest to find extraterrestrial life based on really flimsy
evidence.
A trillion-dollar mission manned by the worst crew in space.
A lazy captain, who leaves his crew to die.
A stoner geologist with state of the art computer maps, radio communication, mapping balls,
and GPS.
MILLBURN: We are at 7401477, why?
NARRATOR: Who still gets lost.
An inconsistent biologist who is scared of a 2000 year old dead body,
MILLBURN: No, ship’s good.
NARRATOR: but falls in love with clearly dangerous alien
snake.
MILLBURN: Hey, baby.
NARRATOR: And an idiot woman who can only run in straight
lines.
A film with so much CGI, the visual effects department forgot to change anyone’s heart
rate.
One man will achieve his lifelong dream of finding aliens but somehow feels like a failure
after only investigating for 6 hours.
And one woman will give forced exposition.
SHAW: I can’t create life.
NARRATOR: And will create life
DAVID: You’re pregnant.
NARRATOR And get her uterus cut open which will hurt
a lot during standing, but not jumping, falling or repelling.
A film so forced, it attempts to connect to the Alien franchise by having someone drink
a drop of black goo then impregnate our main character with an squid baby which impregnates
an engineer which creates an alien that only kinda looks like the aliens in the real movies
even though they already showed a picture of that queen alien on a wall.
An epic quest that has no answers or payoff to anything, like: The green goo.
The giant head statue.
The disregard of evolution.
This green crystal.
The engineers’ hatred of humans.
The black goo.
The black goo creating an eye worm.
The black goo creating a zombie.
The black goo dissolving an engineer.
The reason why people in the holograms are running into a room full of black goo.
David murdering someone for no reason.
The engineers leaving ancient humans maps to their weapons facilities.
And why it matters he was Vicker’s dad.
Starring: Noomi Rapeface, Data, Dr. Manhattan, Black Oil from The X-Files, Charlie The Ron,
Benjamin Button and Super Vagina.
Prometheus.
God, please just stay away from Blade Runner.
Check out our new Screenjunkies episode on how not to get taken, or else I’ll take
you.
I have a very particular set of skills.
As always, leave a comment with the movie you’d like to see next time, or a word you’d
like to hear me say in my sweet voice.
Hello Jovem Nerd.
What what in the butt.
The dude abides.
Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear.
Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.
Fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy, was he?