Have you ever caught yourself saying something about your partner to a friend
or relative and then wondering afterwards, "Hmmm, I wonder if that was
okay that I said that about them." You know, this happens a lot with couples, and
the reason it happens is because most couples don't really sit down and
formally say, "How much of us are we willing to share with other people?" But
this is very important because it involves your boundaries that you
establish between each other. Today on Reaction Reset, we're going to talk about
the topics you should not share with other people - the topics that you should
keep private between the two of you unless you talked about it and decided
it's something you can share.
In our grandparents and parents generation, it was much easier to keep
private what's supposed to be private in your relationship. I mean there was a
party line, but basically anything you shared, you usually share it together or it was
face to face. But now, with social media, couples over-share things on
Facebook, Twitter, texting - there's so many different ways information can come in.
Many times, couples get too familiar with the information, and they share
things that should be private. So today it's very important we go
through six things that you should keep private in your relationship.
The first topic you should keep private is any argument you're having between the two of you.
I know this is a tough one, because when you're having an argument
many times you feel bad about it, and you talk to another person in an effort to
get clarity or to get their input. But what you don't understand is when you
share that, you're going to set up the
conversation to make your partner look like the bad guy. Or when
your friends and family try to help you, they're going to take your side because
they love you - they're attached to you. When it comes back to your partner that
you shared it, what often happens is your partner feels violated. They feel like,
"You know what couldn't we have solved this on our own." You never want to risk
that break in trust. So any argument you're having, keep it at home with your
partner. Talk about it, negotiate, you can look at other perspectives, but as much
as possible don't share what the argument is about. The second topic is
anything that happens in the bedroom. It's not okay to talk to your friends
about any part of your partner's body or how they make love to you. These things
should be kept between you and your partner. If you're not happy or if you need help
go seek a mental health professional in that field or a physical. Sometimes,
people have physical sexual problems that do need to be addressed, but you
shouldn't be talking about it with your friends or your family.
A third topic is any medical condition your partner struggles with. If you want to
talk about something you have medically, whether it's rheumatoid arthritis or any
kind of condition, it's okay to talk about YOU. But you shouldn't talk
about your partner because many times people feel like an illness makes them
weak or they don't feel right in themselves. They're ashamed of it so you
can never violate that. It's different if you're together, and your partner
discloses it and talks about it - then by all means be supportive of them and what
they're going through. But never say something when they're not there to
protect themselves or to give you the eye like, "Cut it out." The fourth issue is
infertility. Now, this is a complicated one because many times couples DO want
to talk about their infertility with other couples because it gives them
support and that's okay! If it's you yourself who have
infertility problems by all means, share it with your friends if you feel
comfortable. However, I caution you if it's your partner who has something.
It is not a good thing to talk about your partner's condition when you're out with
your friends, unless they tell you that they're okay with it or unless they're
with you and they bring it up. Many people feel that infertility is a
weakness; they feel less of a man or a woman if they can't have a baby and it's
embarrassing to them. You never want to embarrass your partner. The fifth topic
is money issues. When you violate your partner's trust, if you're having
financial problems, it can make your partner feel inadequate or bad about
themselves. It can damage their masculinity or femininity. Even if
you're doing really well with finances, if you talk about it with your friends
or family, they often can misconstrue that you're boasting about it. It usually
does nothing but damage when you talk about it in front of your friends so
keep that topic to yourselves. My last topic to keep private is your
partner's appearance. If there's something you don't like about your
partner's appearance - whether it's weight or the way they look or their posture -
talk to your partner about it. Make a plan with them and JOIN the plan. You can
always get more fit, you can always exercise more, eat better. When you share
that kind of thing, you violate trust because it's embarrassing and it may
make a person feel shameful. Keep these issues to yourself. As a psychotherapist,
I believe the most important part of a relationship is the trust you hold in
each other. If your partner trusts you enough with their perceived flaws or
inadequacies then do not share them. Respect that trust and be grateful
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.