"And the world needs us
to continue to serve as powerful models of prosperous and compassionate societies,
that is the Canadian way and the Australian way."
This is Rap News. Happy new era, and welcome.
Despite our best efforts; from oil spills to nuclear meltdowns;
the human empire washortins not successful in bringing about the apocalypse in 2012.
But don't lose faith: we may yet be able to make it happen.
In today's expose we're aiming to establish
where the best progress is being made in shattering
what's left of humanity's relationship with this planet.
And what better place to commence with than Australia,
where after two hundred years of invasion
we can finally assess the results of civilisation.
Here's colonial correspondent Ken Oathcarn. Are you there, Ken ?
- Ken Oathcarn, Robbo, and Happy Straya Day yeah?
- Hi Ken, how's Australia helping to end the world this year?
- Never fear, Straya has a multi-faceted
total strategy to bring global calamity so rapidly
this planet won't know what hit it, take a look:
We've got the worst polluting power station in the world: Hazelwood.
We're ravaging this chick Kimberly, straight smackin' her teeth
and carving channels through the Great Barrier Reef.
- Good grief! - mate, we're on fire!
So intense that we've had to add two new shades to the temperature spectrum!
And soon we'll have five more shades to add
as finally we unlock the gates of hell with coal seam gas mining!
- Australia is doing fine then, now let's examine
another capital of the civilised world whose per capita
progress towards causing apocalypse is admirable
we cross live to our correspondent in Canada.
Are you on camera, Fagin Heighbard? - Fagin Heighbard!
I'm on the Athabasca Oil Sands. Tell you what:
some call this land the Tar Sands, but for sure,
us Canucks, we refer to it as "MORDOR"
- So can Canada help end life on Earth permanently?
- We've got the largest industrial project in history
the biggest contributor to our extinction today,
and Canada gets to display the badge of distinction, eh!
We took a pristine area about the size of Britain
and smashed the boreal forest to get the barrels of bitumen.
Forget the pyramids, our toxic waste is visible from outer space
where we'll go when earth is uninhabitable for the human race
- Err... that's... great - Woah woah hold it there mate:
We've got the largest industrial project on Earth's face
- My Gahd, the fuck is that, bub?
- That, 'bub', is our very own version of the Tar Sands standing up.
You Cunt-nadians think you mine hard
but get a load of Jabba the Hutt, aka Gina Rhinehardt
- You're gonna need to try harder. You want offensive? Try Harper:
He tweeted bacon during the hunger strike of a tribal Elder
- Speaking of Elders, I see they are Idle No More,
rising in a cause that's provoked a global tide of support
for an end to this wanton ecocide and for
Canada to abide by the treaties it signed before
- What, you signed treaties with your natives? mate!
- Yeah, but them treaties don't mean nothin' to us, ay
- So Canada, like Australia, is founded on stolen wealth and land?
- Ah, you mean the Commonwealth! - Ah, you mean the Commonwealth!
- Look, man, it's true we've invaded and taken the land away
But the natives weren't even using it anyway
- Sounds like fair game! - Fuggin rights, eh!
They barely scratched the terrain; we've got all this to our name
- in just a few hundred years since you arrived as colonists
both your nations per capita have provided astonishing
progress toward wholesale final apocalypse.
Share your secret? How did you guys accomplish this?
- Be civilised - Like you're above, not part of, everything
- And whatever you do, don't learn your past history.
- Wage war on mother Earth - The War on Terra!
- You gotta give'er all the way - or someone else'll get her
- And none of this I assume is sustainable, is it?
- Pffft! What do you think we are... indigenous?
- But if you're not "indigenous", doesn't this mean that you're not... from Earth?
- Fagin Heighbard! - Ken Oathcarn! - Sing with us!
Whoa ohhh, I'm Australian, an illegal alien
A Stray Alien in Melbourne
I'm Canadian, an illegal alien
A Canadian in Edmonton
I drink Hortons and my two fours, eh
plan some pipelines we can lay
never think of long-term future when I talk
A Canadian in Edmonton
Whoa ohhh, we are aliens, we're illegal Aliens
The invaders of planet Earth
****!
Congratulations to you both on your dominance.
All others, please don't take offence: while they might top the list,
ALL of us are doing our best to ignite the Apocalypse.
Well, we're out of time, so our final thought is this:
Why are some of us now being called "non-indigenous"?
it's fitting, I guess, for a population that wants to mimic
this meme of invading aliens from Hollywood picture flicks,
who kill the natives and ravage the planet of all its riches quick.
To survive, some say we need to heed Indigenous people.
Perhaps what we also need is to be indigenous, people.
Do we belong to planet Earth or to an alien invasion?
A decision that might define our human fate.
Good evening