He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have
A buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear!
He'd rather eat The rotten asshole
Of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard!
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd!
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd!
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
So I'm about to review Die Hard on Nintendo...
But before I begin
I think I need to address the... kind of...
Disturbing, maybe offensive nature of the... the front cover?
What does this remind you of?
It's kinda... You know, it's a little... Uhh...
Yeah, alright, let's carry on.
So is this game gonna be good, or is it gonna suck?
Well take a wild fucking guess.
So this is the first enemy in the game
and I can't even get near him because he's shooting bullets all over the place
and running away like an asshole.
Get back here you fucker!
Come on!
Ah, I missed!
Oh now there's another guy already?
God, I can't move!
Now I'm out of bullets? Are you for real?
If only I can get near him I'm gonna punch the shit out of him!
Come on, ugh, ugh, come on, ugh, your mother!
Come on, come on, fuck you up! Come on!
You know, is his other arm paralyzed or something?
What's going on?
Come on, you're a motherfucker!
(Unintelligible Gibberish)
Yeah, got'em!
And how sad is this? I've only killed one guy in the game so far and I'm almost dead!
Now once you're dead, the game is over, and you start back from the beginning.
But at least they've got the goddamn courtesy to give you a life bar!
Anyways let's take a look at this status screen so I can try my best to explain the object of this game.
Well, you can see there's 39 crooks.
I'm under the impression that means there's 40 bad guys in the game, and your goal is to hunt and kill all of them.
And that's nearly impossible when one guy can take all your life.
And that's kinda interesting, you don't usually get to know how many guys you're gonna kill
Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. there was a counter telling you exactly how many goombas
and koopa troopas are in the entire game.
Only difference: you don't have to kill them all.
Alright, so you've got your life bar, which is self-explanatory
Then you've got a... feet bar
Yeah, your feet have power too, right?
You can run by holding the B button, but that drains your foot power
Now, let me ask a question:
What's the difference between saving your foot power
and using it to get your ass movin'?
Is it better to run and waste your foot power?
Or just walk slow and waste your fucking time?
Also, if you walk over broken glass,
that also drains your foot power.
And I can see where they're going with this
In the movie, Die Hard, John McClane's feet end up in pretty bad shape
and by the end of the movie, he's limping.
Now, that's nice that they tried to make it like the movie
But there's some times where you should do that,
and some times when it's really not necessary
That's like if in Lethal Weapon, if you're going around eating dog biscuits for powerups.
So, lemme finish up with all of this shit
You've got your weapons, the items you pick
and... I don't know, some map that doesn't make any sense
Then you've got some weird lock system.
After a certain amount of time passes, one of the locks activates or whatever
and when all of these locks activate, I assume you're dead
Well why not just have a clock with a simple time limit
I don't know.
So you can break glass, which is cool, but you can't walk over it without draining your foot power
so, it's not cool.
Then you've got outside windows, which you think would have some kind of purpose
But no, you just jump out and die
What's the point?
Why would you commit suicide unless you don't have a clue what you're doing?
It's a beginner's trap!
Now what I really hate is this darkness thing
You can't see around any of the walls!
Half the time there's nothing going on, you're just walking around
And he walks like... there's something wrong with him.
He's got like... one leg.
So you're just going around, and then all of a sudden
you're dead
And you don't even see it coming.
You can't even scratch your head, you'll just be playing and then all of a sudden
WHOA! You're dead.
The powerups are soda cans
And the best part of the game is the vending machines
Because you can just shoot the soda out of them
And you're gonna need it to stay alive.
You can also find first aid kits to heal some of your foot power
And you can pick up flash grenades which are supposed to stun your enemies
But I've never once been able to hit anybody with one of these damn things
And besides, why would you want to stun them when you can just take them out with a bullet?
So there's a beginner and advanced mode, and from what I've noticed
There's no difference except that the advanced mode starts you off at any random floor
Where in the beginner mode you'll always start on the 32nd floor.
Now, let's talk about the floors.
It seems you can go to any floor you want, any time you want
That is, between 31 and 35
You can use the elevators, the stairs, or even the air ducts.
But how do you know where you're supposed to go?
I don't know, I just find guys and kill them.
There's supposed to be hostages on the 30th floor
But for whatever reason, you can't go there yet
So I'm guessing that happens at the end.
But anyway, if you go up to the 35th floor, there's a guy who has the key to the roof
But finding him is a real bitch because he never wants
to show up until you've already tried the locked door a million times
But once you find him, you're obviously gonna take a lot of bullets
because there isn't really any way to dodge in this narrow hallway
Die!
That's kinda weird, he's like, dead in the doorway.
But anyway, you take the key, you unlock the door
you go to the roof
And...
Well, this is the roof.
Sometimes when you get here John McClane calls the cops
And sometimes he doesn't.
It's like in the movie, and I don't know if it's necessary or affects anything in the game
But it doesn't even seem like you have any control over it, so it really doesn't fucking matter
Somewhere up here there's a rope, which I don't know if it's important or not
you blow up this gym locker, or whatever it is, and he says,
"I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off. No, thanks."
Are you kidding me?
Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say
"No, I'm not gonna do that."
Going back to Mario again, what if Mario just said
"You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks."
This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope
But he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?
So I'm taking the stairs down, now I find some blueprint of the fifth floor.
Whoa, now we're talking about the fifth floor?
Take out the main computer?
I'm getting confused.
So I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me
So I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen
Then the police car blows up, I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything?"
But then Steve Urkel comes on, I'm like, "What the fuck?"
The graphics don't even make any sense.
I don't even know what anything is supposed to be.
What's this? What's that?
Seriously, what the shit is this thing?!
What the shit is it?!
I just can't figure this out.
This is like one of those games that you need a manual
or read somebody's walkthrough on the internet.
But when it gets to that, it's like, who cares?
I'd rather have a mountain lion dump its ass all over my face.
I'd rather unclog a shitty toilet with my bare hands.
You know, I'm not fucking around anymore.
Forget trying to explain how this game works.
Let's just fucking do it
Back here you motherfucker!
Get back here!
Look at all these bullets!
Fuck!
The control is so stiff! You can only shoot straight, or at a 45-degree angle!
There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator
There's guys coming out of your ass? It's crazy!
(Explosion) Damn!
FUCK!
Oh, you fucking bastard.
DIE!!!!
This game's being ass!
(Explosion) SHIT!
Think, God dammit!
Geronimo, motherfucker!
(Explosions)
Yippie-Ki-Yay, Motherfucker!
(Explosion)