-My gosh, I am seriously so excited to be here right now.
Because everybody I went to high school with is getting married
and having kids, on Facebook.
Probably in real life too. But who cares, and --
And I'm not saying I don't want to get married. I do.
I just know I'm not ready yet. Sometimes I think I'm ready.
I see the posts, I feel the emptiness.
Like, I want to be married. [ Laughter ]
But then I eat bread and I feel so much better.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh!
Just needed some carbs, almost ruined my life.
Like, that was a close one.
You think you need to get married,
just slam a sleeve of Ritz crackers first.
Make sure that's not what you need.
If that doesn't work, lie under some warm laundry for an hour.
It feels like being loved unconditionally.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I want to have kids, too, but I'm afraid.
Because as far as I can tell, you do not get to pick.
[ Laughter ]
You just go to the hospital in pain.
Few hours later, they're like, "This is what came out of you."
[ Laughter ] You're like, "Really?"
They're like, "Yeah, no tradesies."
[ Laughter ]
And they're not cute right away.
Have you seen a newborn recently? It's disgusting.
It's all -- it's all purple and wrinkly.
Like, "Congratulations, It's a raisin. Look at that."
[ Laughter ]
And then we all have to lie to new parents.
Like, "Oh, he's really handsome."
[ Laughter ] "Oh, she's beautiful."
I'm bad at it. I'm like, "Oh, that has potential!"
[ Laughter and applause ] "What's --"
"What's that going to be, a girl when the scales fall off?
Who -- who gave you a glue gun? What did you make?"
[ Laughter ]
"That needs like 40 more minutes up in there.
"At least. What's her name, Salmonella?
Uhh! That is -- That yolk is running!"
[ Laughter ] Not ready, not ready.
But I'm in my 20s.
I shouldn't be making any permanent decisions, okay?
Being in your 20s is like having a virus.
You can't do anything, you just have to wait
until you're better.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And the whole time you're waiting, everybody's like,
"These are the best years of your life.
These are the best years of your whole life."
And I'm like, "I just used a fast food napkin
as toilet paper."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
This gets worse?
Everything feels like that in your 20s.
Temporary, pointless.
Dating in your 20s is like watching "Titanic"
where you're just like, "This isn't gonna work out.
"But let's just enjoy this first part where we're hooking up
in cars and pretending he's not poor."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Put a jacket on anybody.
I hung out with some girls my own age last week,
one of whom told me she's writing a memoir at 23.
Yeah. "I'm like, maybe start with a pamphlet."
I don't know. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, if you're writing a memoir in your 20s,
you had better have been murdered. Like --
[ Laughter ]
Unless you are murdered or you're that chick
who got her arm bitten off by the shark and kept surfing,
no memoir.
You have to earn your autobiography.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I will never hang out with these girls again.
At one point they started taking photos for the Internet.
Because I don't know if you know this,
but if you don't take enough photos for the Internet,
you actually start to disappear like Marty McFly
in "Back to the Future." [ Laughter ]
Thank you for laughing, they did not get that reference.
[ Laughter ]
So this girl is taking like 400, 500 photos
just trying so hard to matter.
And she turns to all of us at the table and goes,
"Okay, now let's do one where we're laughing."
[ Laughter ]
And then all the girls around me went...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Feel how horrible that was? [ Laughter ]
They didn't make any noise, they just went through
the motions like an atheist with their family on Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's a candid photo to my generation.
Just a lie with a filter on it.
Have you seen those girls online?
Just like, "Oh, my God, it's so weird
"that you caught me in this poppy field
in my ball gown, #blessed." [ Giggles ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
No, that's not real. And it's not candid.
Candid means bad.
You guys remember the '90s when you took a candid photo
on a disposable camera,
and then you just didn't see it for 30 days?
[ Laughter ]
You went to bed every night, like, "Hope that pans out."
[ Laughter ]
And a month later you picked it up
in that crappy paper taco sleeve full of duplicates
because you need one for every room of the trailer.
And you went through and you finally saw it and it sucked.
Three of your fingers are in the corner.
Nobody's looking at the camera. [ Laughter ]
It's just your aunt and uncle getting divorced
in the background. [ Laughter ]
And you just wrote "pizza party" in a scrapbook
like it deserved to be a memory?
That was a candid photo. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys are great. Thank you so much.
♪♪ [ Cheering ]
-Come on, pal, that's awesome!
♪♪
Taylor Tomlinson. [ Cheers and applause ]
Follow her on Twitter @taylortomlinson.