There's so much health care news to talk about,
it's hard to get to all of it.
Thankfully, when a news story falls through the cracks,
Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call "Back In Black."
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Let's face it, America sucks at health care.
For starters, we're the only country
that decided to turn illness into a goldmine.
That's why, even though my proctologist
is just a pervert in a lab coat,
I have to keep him because he's "in network."
And the way things have been going, I wouldn't be shocked
if the Republicans' new turd sandwich of a bill
makes it to Trump's desk and he actually eats the thing.
But here's why Republicans in Congress
will never be able to fix health care--
they don't even know what health insurance is!
You have to buy all of these different kinds
of health insurance, a lot of which you don't need,
can't afford, don't want, isn't right for you and your family.
The young healthy person's gonna be made to buy health care,
and they're gonna pay for the person, you know,
who gets breast cancer in her 40s,
or who gets heart disease in his 50s.
The whole idea of Obamacare is the people
on the blue side pay for the people on the red side.
The people who are healthy pay for the people who are sick.
Now listen, Paul Ryan,
you spoiled vanilla milk shake,
you fountainhead of spit,
you vomitorium of congeniality.
Insurance isn't the healthy paying for the sick,
it's the healthy paying
to slow down pay down their inevitable demise,
which might be helpful in a country
that stuffs hot dogs into pizza.
But while we're at it, why do I pay for the fire department?
My house isn't on fire and it never will be.
(cheers and applause)
And not only are the GOP
trying to sneak this douche document into law,
they're also using Obamacare's
own money to undermine it.
The administration is using money
that is supposed to help people get insurance
by putting up, online,
these advertisements trying to convince legislators
to vote against the Affordable Care Act.
Deductibles are higher, coverage is less,
the gap is getting wider.
You're going against the American system of competition,
capitalism, "the best wins" sort of scenario.
The system had a lot of problems,
but it wasn't in crises.
There wasn't a crises.
There is now.
Oh, we're in a crisis all right.
Health care isn't more affordable, but at least now
we've got those taxpayer-funded
136 YouTube views.
A video of my left nut would get more hits.
Not ...
(cheers and applause)
Not my right one, though.
He's shy.
This whole thing is not brain surgery.
If you want affordable health insurance to work,
you need young healthy people to sign up.
So since none of you assholes know how to make that happen,
I made some new ads for the HHS, free of charge.
Hi. I'm Dr. Lewis Black.
Want to know why the Affordable Care Act is failing?
Because young fidget-spinning (bleep) nuts across America
think they're invincible, so they aren't buying in.
Well, news flash.
Life is just death in slow motion,
even if you feel hashtag #blessed.
If you think it's expensive to replace a cracked iPhone,
try fixing a shattered femur.
Age is just a number, especially for blood clots;
they'll take you down at any age.
Think you'll be young and healthy forever?
I have arthritis in my entire body,
except for these two fingers.
Health insurance is only about your health,
so (bleep) it.
Sign up for health insurance.
(cheers and applause)
Now, that's advice we can all agree on.
-Trevor. -Lewis Black, everyone.