WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'VE GOT TO START WITH A GIANT SPORTS STORY OUT THERE.
THERE'S A THING CALLED THE EURO CUP SOCCER TOURNAMENT.
IT'S A HUGE SOMMER TAWRMT.
IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IN FRANCE.
AND YESTERDAY, ICELAND, THE TINIEST NATION IN THE
TOURNAMENT, BEAT POWERHOUSE ENGLAND 2-1.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS THE WORST THING TO
HAPPEN TO ENGLAND IN FOUR DAYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW THE ICELANDIC SOCCER
COMMENTATOR HAS BECOME SOMETHING OF A GLOBAL PHENOMENON BECAUSE
OF JUST HOW EXCITED HE HAS GOTTEN CALLING ICELAND'S
VICTORIOUS GAMES.
AND LAST NIGHT HE DID NOT DISAPPOINT WHEN THE GAME ENDING.
(SCREAMING) NOW, I WANT TO ASSURE MY WORRIED
VIEWERS THAT THE ANNOUNCER'S HAND IS NOT CAUGHT IN A GARBAGE
DISPOSAL.
NOR IS HE-- NOR-- NORIS HE DYING IN A PARTICULARLY GRUESOME SCENE
FROM "GAME OF THRONES."
HE'S JUST EXCITED.
HE'S ACTUALLY DOING COMMENTARY RIGHT THERE.
WE CAN'T HEAR IT.
HE'S DOING COMMENTARY.
HERE IS THE ACTUAL TRANSLATION OF WHAT HE IS SAYING.
AND I PROMISE UPON I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
"THIS IS DONE!
THIS IS DONE!
WE ARE NEVER GOING HOME!
DID YOU SEE THAT?
AMAZING!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
THIS IS A DREAM.
NEVER WAKE ME FROM THIS AMAZING DREAM!
LIVE THE WAY YOU WANT, ENGLAND.
ICELAND IS GOING TO PLAY FRANCE ON SUNDAY.
FRANCE, ICELAND!
YOU CAN GO HOME!
YOU CAN GO OUT OF EUROPE!
YOU CAN GO WHEREVER THE HELL YOU WANT!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN THE VICTORIOUS ICELANDIC
TEAM CELEBRATED WITH THEIR TRADEMARK SLOW HAND CLAP,
JOINED, APPARENTLY, BY THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF ICELAND.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH OF AN
EXAGGERATION, BECAUSE 10% OF ALL OF ICELAND'S POPULATION IS IN
FRANT RIGHT NOW FOR THE TOURNAMENT.
ICELAND IS SO DESERTED RIGHT NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE ICELAND.
AND AFTER THE SHOCKING UPSET, THE COACH OF THE ENGLISH TEAM
IMMEDIATELY RESIGNED.
JUST LIKE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON DID AFTER THE
BREXIT VOTE.
SO, APPARENTLY, IN ENGLAND, "KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON" HAS
BECOME, "(BLEEP) THIS!
I'M OUTTA HERE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )