- I don't want to be rich.
That's the point of everything, right?
I want to have so much money
so that I could buy all the tickets
to a Maroon 5 concert,
go by myself, boo after every song.
This joke always splits the crowd,
but those guys suck.
I would stand front and center
so when they came out they'd be like,
I guess there was a mistake,
and I'd be like no, this is happening.
This is a sold out show, Adam.
Hey, stage dive.
I want to listen to Maroon Four.
Maybe I'm selfish.
But the most selfish thing a person can do
is leave an empty shopping cart in a parking space.
So you're telling me
you can meander three and a half miles inside Costco
pushing that thing no problem,
the moment you get to your vehicle
you're like not another step.
Posted a version of that joke online a year ago,
and ever since then I've been monitoring the online comments
which is great for your soul.
But there's really only two negative things that come up.
The first one from angry parents
who saw the joke and had to type in
well, I can't return the cart.
I've put my kids in the car,
I don't want to abandon them.
Here's the answer to that,
how'd you get the cart in the first place?
Just do that backwards.
I'm a parent, too.
There's no rule that said
you have to buckle your baby in yet.
Just put the food in the car,
then take your kids with you to return it
and teach them how not to be you.
The second group.
The other comment comes from old men who say
well I if I start returning the cart
then the kid whose job it is will lose his job.
That's why you do that?
Do you also mysteriously murder people
to keep detectives employed?
Thanks for the help.
I hate buying milk.
You ever go to the store, all you need is milk,
so you don't grab a cart or a basket,
you just grab the milk,
and then it becomes a test of physical endurance.
It's heavy, it's cold.
If there are any milk...
designers
in the crowd tonight,
I just want to let you know,
you're not impressing anyone.
We don't need milk in the handle.
(laughter)
Who is that for?
Nothing else comes that way.
Nobody asks for food in the grabby part.
You get to the line, if you have to wait
for more than three or four people
you end up putting it on the ground.
You have to scoot it forward with the line.
And they don't sell milk they way they sell other stuff.
You grab a bag of marshmallows off the shelf,
all the other marshmallows don't come at you.
Milk, one of the heaviest things in the store,
they sell on a ramp that's aimed at your face.
I pull one gallon off, seven others slam forward.
It's 2%, you wanted non-fat,
but you can't put it back.
I discovered that if you push those other milks
hard enough they disappear.
It's weird that we love Costco so much.
Aesthetically it's pretty grim when you walk in.
It's just concrete floors and chainlink fences inside,
like we're all back in juvie.
I did buy a lawn mower from Costco.
That is the great thing about Costco, right?
If you ever just need like chips and a jacuzzi.
I got a lawn mower, but I noticed the throttle on it,
the speeds aren't labeled with words the fast or slow,
instead there's a picture of a rabbit and a turtle,
which is crazy.
Because that means at every lawn mower factory,
they're just shipping them out like,
yeah, we don't care if anyone can read.
Just as long as they know all their fables.
That's the important thing.
What?
And by the way, Aesop is exclusive to lawn mowers.
You don't see fairy tale pictures
stamped on any other machine.
Can you imagine that guy with the leaf blower is like,
I got to crank this up to big bad wolf.
And for anyone who's mowed a lawn,
who uses the turtle setting?
Why does that exist?
Who gets up at seven a.m. on a Saturday going,
you know, I want this to take extra long.
Just want those blades to lightly slap at the grass.
I'm afraid of spiders and it's dangerous.
I don't know what my body's going to do.
I was driving down the 405 in Los Angeles,
one of the widest freeways in America,
18 lanes, nine on each side,
I was in the fast lane and a spider,
a hairy one, that matters,
came out from behind the sun visor and right back again.
So I went across all the lanes.
Like, I didn't change lanes, I drove sideways.
Have you ever played Frogger?
You get to that point you just
hit the button down and hope it works out?
That's what I did.
And I was fine.
I don't know what happened behind me,
but I made it to the shoulder, hopped out,
slammed the visor down,
spider wasn't there so I called AAA.
This is a real story.
It's a service they provide.
They don't know it, you just have to do it right.
When he got there he was like what was the problem?
And I was like there was smoke coming from the dash,
so if you could just check all the crevices.