WELL, I'VE GOT TO START TONIGHT WITH SOME SHOCKING NEWS.
THERE'S A HUGE SCANDAL OUT THERE THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE DONALD
TRUMP.
I KNOW.
I HAD THE SAME REACTION.
INSTEAD, IT INVOLVES FUTURE FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.
REMEMBER A FEW MONTHS AGO WHEN HE GOT IRAN TO RELEASE FOUR
AMERICAN PRISONERS?
WELL, IT TURNS OUT, HE FORGOT TO TELL US ABOUT A SMALL SHIPPING
AND HANDLING FEE.
BECAUSE AS THE PRISONERS WERE FREED, TURNS OUT $400 MILLION
WAS FLOWN TO IRAN ON A PLANE LOADED WITH CASH.
DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE ON AN AIRPLANE AND YOU GET STUCK
SITTING NEXT TO $400 MILLION?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO GETS THE ARMREST.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
AND NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT SOUNDS LIKE RANSOM,
BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHAT THE WORD "RANSOM" MEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE ADMINISTRATION IS
DENYING ANY CONNECTION BETWEEN THE MONEY AND THE PRISONER
RELEASE, CLAIMING THAT THE TIMING IS COINCIDENTAL.
"OH, I'D LOVE TO GO PICK UP MY PRISONERS, BUT MY PLANE IS
ALREADY FULL OF CASH.
HEY!" WHY DON'T WE DO THE THE...
( LAUGHTER ) SO IT'S GREAT THE PRISONERS CAME
HOME, BUT THIS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD FOR THE OBAMA
ADMINISTRATION.
AND I AM GOING TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS STORY, OR MY NAME'S
NOT STEPHEN COLBERT, AND MY SWISS BANK ACCOUNT'S NUMBER
ISN'T 160 PLUS 257.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
OKAY.
WHAT ELSE IS IN THE NEWS?
HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS DONALD TRUMP GUY?
VERY INTERESTING GUY.
PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HIM A LOT.
TODAY ON COFFEE JOE MORNING, AND THE FUNKY BUNCH, COFFEE JOE
REVEALED THIS: >> SEVERAL MONTHS AGO, A FOREIGN
POLICY EXPERT ON THE INTERNATIONAL LEVEL WENT TO
ADVISE DONALD TRUMP, AND THREE TIMES HE ASKED ABOUT THE USE OF
NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
THREE TIMES HE ASKED, AT ONE POINT, "IF WE HAVE THEM, WHY
CAN'T WE USE THEM?" >> Stephen: OOH, I KNOW THAT
ONE!
( APPLAUSE ) CHING-CHING.
AARRGGHH!
TIME PASSES.
YES, I FOLLOWED HIS ORDERS AND DROPPED THE BOMB.
"OKAY, RIGHT UP THERE, THE THING WITH THE ROPE AND THE NOOSE?
OKAY, I'LL GO."
( LAUGHTER ) STORY HAD A SAD ENDING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I CAN REALLY PICTURE DONALD
TRUMP AT THAT NATIONAL SECURITY MEETING:
"I KNOW THERE ARE PROBABLY REASONS NOT TO USE NUCLEAR
WEAPONS.
I CAN'T THINK OF ONE, BUT I'M OPEN TO HEARING THEM.
MEATLOAF, YOUR THOUGHTS?" ARSENIO HALL, SHOULD I BOMB GARY
BUSEY?
NOW, THIS CAPS OFF A WEEK IN WHICH TRUMP ATTACKED A GOLD STAR
FAMILY, SEEMED HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A PURPLE HEART AS A GIFT
BECAUSE IT "WAS MUCH EASIER THAN EARNING ONE," AND APPEARED TO
FEUD WITH A CRYING BABY AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY.
AND I'VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR FIVE MINUTES, SO I'M GOING TO SAY
FIVE-GALLON CAN OF VAN KAMP'S PORK AND BEANS.
HE MAKES MORE GAFFES THAN I CAN KEEP UP WITH.
IT'S LIKE "I LOVE LUCY" IN THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, EXCEPT THAT
WITH TRUMP, THE BROWN STUFF AIN'T CHOCOLATE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
PEABODY, PLEASE.
NOW, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT TRUMP'S ALLIES ARE PLOTTING
AN INTERVENTION.
"THEY LOVE YOU, DONALD.
AND THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY IS ADMITTING THAT YOU'RE THE
PROBLEM."
I'M GUESSING-- AND THIS IS JUST WISHFUL THINKING-- BUT SENIOR
G.O.P. OFFICIALS ARE EXPLORING OPTIONS IF TRUMP DROPS OUT.
IN FACT, TOP REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN SEEN STANDING OUTSIDE MITT
ROMNEY'S HOUSE HOLDING BOOM BOXES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT IF ROMNEY WON'T RUN, PAUL RYAN MIGHT HAVE A REPLACEMENT.
BECAUSE ON MONDAY, PAUL RYAN RE-TWEETED A POLL THAT SAID,
HARAMBE THE GORILLA IS POLLING NATIONALLY AT 5%,
ADDING THE COMMENT, "ONE IN 20 WANT TO SEE HARAMBE IN THE OVAL
OFFICE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A BOLD CHOICE.
ONLY OBSTACLE I CAN FORESEE IS THAT HE'S A GORILLA,
AND HE'S DEAD.
ON THE PLUS SIDE, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S HARAMBE'S REAL HAIR.
NOW PLEASE SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.