( APPLAUSE )
STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
>> Jon: HELLO.
>> Stephen: HELLO, FRIENDS.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
SO, WE'VE GOT TWO EXTRAORDINARY GUESTS TONIGHT.
THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED, ROSIE PEREZ IS GOING TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AND A FRIEND OF THE SHOW, BOBBY D., TOUGH GUY
HIMSELF, ROBERT De NIRO WILL BE OVER HERE TONIGHT.
A GIANT.
>> Jon: A LEGEND, A LIVING LEGEND.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT
OVER THERE, PORING OVER THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES,
COLLECTING THE FINEST, MOST-TOPICAL NEWS CALFSKINS AND
PAINSTAKINGLY WASHING THEM IN A CALCIUM HYDROXIDE SOLUTION, THEN
SOAKING THEM IN LIME FOR DAYS TO REMOVE ALL NARRATIVE IMPURITIES
AND CREATE A PALE VELLUM THAT I LATER PLACE ON MY SCRIPTORIUM IN
A MONASTERY ON THE CLIFFS OF DOVER.
THERE, USING A PEN CUT FROM THE WING FEATHER OF A SWAN ON THE
RIVER AVON, I DESIGN COPTIC AND SYRIAC ILLUSTRATIONS, ADORNED
WITH WHIMSICAL CELTIC SPIRALS AND USE GERMANIC ZOOMORPHIC
DESIGNS TO CREATE THE MARGINALIA SURROUNDING PAGES OF ELEGANT
HALF-UNSIAL INSULAR SCRIPT THAT TELL THE HOLIEST OF STORIES,
WHICH I THEN BIND WITH GOLDEN THREAD UNDER A PROTECTIVE CASE
OF CARVED OAK TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS LATE
ANGLO-SAXON PERIOD ILLUMINATED MANUSCRIPT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES,
THEY KNOW.
THEY DONE.
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I COME TO UNDER A RAMP IN THE
MIDDLE OF A DEMOLITION DERBY, HOTWIRE THE TRUCKASAURUS
AND LEAD THE POLICE ON A CHASE BEFORE CRASHING INTO A SWAMP
GATHERING JUST AS, WHAT I ASSUME IS A PRIEST SAYS, "YOU MAY KISS
THE BRIDE," RIP A LEECH OFF MY ASS, AND USE IT TO HASTILY
DOODLE A SKETCH OF THE SCENE IN MY OWN BLOOD ON AN OLD DAVE AND
BUSTERS RECEIPT, THEN STAGGER TOWARD THE HAPPY COUPLE
CLUTCHING THE NIGHTMARE STALKER'S WEDDING ALBUM OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HARBOR, BUT ALWAYS SAILS STRONG.
MEANWHILE, A POPCORN SHORTAGE IS LOOMING AS MOVIE THEATER
ATTENDANCE PICKS UP.
POPCORN SUPPLIES ARE SO TIGHT RIGHT NOW THAT MOVIE THEATERS
MAY NO LONGER BE ABLE TO OFFER POPCORN IN LARGE, EXTRA LARGE,
AND DUMPSTER.
( LAUGHTER )
REMEMBER HOW "MORBIUS" WAS THE BIGGEST BOX OFFICE DISASTER OF
THE YEAR?
I THINK "MORBIOUS" IS HERE THIS EVENING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELL, AFTER PEOPLE ON TWITTER STARTED SARCASTICALLY PRAISING
THE MOVIE, SONY DECIDED TO RE-RELEASE IT IN THEATERS LAST
WEEK, WHERE IT IMMEDIATELY BOMBED AGAIN, ONLY GROSSING
$85,000 ON FRIDAY.
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THAT PITCH: "OKAY, LIGHTNING BOLT IDEA--
HEAR ME OUT-- WHAT IF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY DIDN'T SEE THIS MOVIE...
BUT TWICE!" MEANWHILE, IN MAN'S BEST FRIEND
NEWS, A CHICAGO SUBURB PASSED A LAW LIMITING HOW MUCH DOGS CAN
BARK, AND NOW OWNERS OF ANIMALS THAT ARE MAKING EXCESSIVE NOISE
BETWEEN 7:00 A.M. AND 10:00 P.M.
COULD RECEIVE A $100 TICKET.
ESPECIALLY IF THAT EXCESSIVE NOISE COMES FROM YOUR DOG'S
METAL BAND.
( LAUGHTER )
WORLD'S NUMBER-ONE PRODUCER OF ENNUI, A MAN IN A WIG WAS
DETAINED AFTER THROWING A PIECE OF CAKE AT THE "MONA
LISA."
HE SMEARED CAKE ON THE GLASS AND THREW ROSES EVERYWHERE.
SO HIS ACT OF VANDALISM WAS HURLING PATISSERIE AND FLOWERS?
IS ALL CRIME IN FRANCE THIS FRENCH?
( AS FRENCH CRIMINAL )
BAGUETTE.
NOBODY MOVES, AND NOBODY GETS BUTTERED."
( LAUGHTER )
SPARKED RETIREMENT RUMORS.
OH, WE'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
HE'LL SAY HE'S RETIRING, NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S TAKING
THE BUCCANEERS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THANKS TO HIS SALARY, ENDORSEMENTS, AND VARIOUS
BUSINESS DEALS, LEBRON JAMES IS NOW A BILLIONAIRE.
GREAT, YET ANOTHER BILLIONAIRE WITH A POINTLESS, MONEY-LOSING
SPACE PROGRAM.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ROBERT De NIRO.