WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW HOW--
YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT THE NATIONAL DEBT
OR THE DEFICIT-- AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS
WHICH, BUT YOU KNOW THEY'RE BOTH BAD -- KIND OF LIKE ERIC AND
DON JR. I'M NOT SURE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN STOP WORRYING, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP
TWEETED "WHILE THE PRESS DOESN'T LIKE WRITING ABOUT IT, NOR DO I
NEED THEM TO, I DONATE MY YEARLY PRESIDENTIAL SALARY OF $400,000
TO DIFFERENT AGENCIES THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.
THIS IS TO HOMELAND SECURITY.
IF I DIDN'T DO IT, THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY FROM THE FAKE
NEWS MEDIA!"
YOU CAN'T SAY YOU DON'T CARE IF ANYBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT, AND AT
THE SAME TIME ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WORLD ON TWITTER.
THAT'S LIKE NAMING A BUILDING, "THE ANONYMOUSLY DONATED BY THE
GREAT AND CHARITABLE DONALD J.
TRUMP HOSPITAL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S HUMILITY THERE.
THAT'S HUMBLE.
>> Stephen: TO REALLY DRIVE HOME HIS GREAT HUMILITY, TRUMP
INCLUDED A PICTURE OF THE CHECK FOR $100,000, TO THE DEPARTMENT
OF HOMELAND SECURITY.
WOW.
"DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY" HAS GOT TO BE THE
WORST PORN STAR NAME EVER.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S USUALLY $130,000, JON.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, TYPICALLY.
>> Stephen: ONCE AGAIN, TRUMP ALLOWED HIS CHECK TO BE SIGN BY
SOMEONE NAMED AMAL KIMMILY?
DUAL DUNNY-MIMMY?
ANAL SUMMERING?
OH, YEAH, THIS JULY, THIS JULY.
ANAL SUMMERING?
PRO TIP: DO NOT SKIMP ON THE SUNSCREEN.
TRUMP-- IT'S FRANCE.
TRUMP IS-- THEY DO THAT.
TRUMP IS PATTING HIMSELF ON THE BACK FOR DONATING MONEY AT
HOMELAND SECURITY, BUT, IN FACT, HIS MOST RECENT PROPOSAL FOR
WALL FUNDING WOULD TAKE "$5 BILLION FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF
HOMELAND SECURITY BUDGET."
SO, TRUMP'S PAYCHECK DONATION IS LIKE ROBBING A RESTAURANT, THEN
ON YOUR WAY OUT, THROWING A NICKEL IN THE TIP JAR.
(AS TRUMP)
BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE, LIKE AN ALARM SYSTEM."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT, AND TODAY HE EARNED EVERY PENNY WHEN HE HOSTED
BRAZILIAN PRESIDENT AND SHAVED WOLFMAN, JAIAIR BOLSONARO.
BOLSONARO IS OFTEN CALLED THE "TRUMP OF THE TROPICS," WHICH IS
ALSO WHAT TRUMP WILL BE CALLED WHEN HIS CLIMATE POLICIES TURN
OHIO INTO A RAINFOREST.
( LAUGHTER )
PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE TRUMP TOOK A POT SHOT AT ONE OF
BOLSONARO'S NEIGHBORS, VENEZUELAN LEADER NICOLAS
MADURO.
YOU.
>> WE CALL ON THEM TO END THEIR SUPPORT OF MADURO WHO IS NOTHING
MORE THAN A CUBAN PUPPET.
>> HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A CUBAN MU MUPPET.
THEY CALL HIM FIDEL-MO.
TRUMP MOSTLY, FOR THE PRESS CONFERENCE, HE STAYED ON SCRIPT
FOR MOST PART, EXCEPT WHEN HE TRIED AND FAILED AT AD LIBBING.
>> THE TWILIGHT HOUR OF SOCIALISM HAS ARRIVED IN OUR
HEMISPHERE, AND HOPEFULLY, BY THE WAY, IT'S ALSO ARRIVED, THAT
TWILIGHT HOUR, IN OUR GREAT COUNTRY, WHICH IS DOING BETTER
THAN IT'S EVER DONE ECONOMICALLY.
( LAUGHTER )
DON'T QUITE HAVE THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON THERE.
SO FOR SOCIALISM, "TWILIGHT HOUR" MEANS IT'S ON THE DECLINE,
BUT FOR AMERICA, "TWILIGHT HOUR" I THINK IT'S TWILIGHT HOUR IN
TRUMP'S SKULL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
TRUMP'S MOUTH KEPT TALKING: >> I ALSO INTEND TO DESIGNATE
BRAZIL AS A MAJOR NON-NATO ALLY, OR EVEN POSSIBLY, IF YOU START
THINKING ABOUT IT, MAYBE A NATO ALLY.
I WOULD HAVE TO TALK TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "FIRST THING I WILL ASK THOSE
LOTTA PEOPLE IS WHY ISN'T BRAZIL IN THE 'NORTH ATLANTIC TREATY
ORGANIZATION'?
AND WHILE I GOT HIM ON THE PHONE, I'M GOING TO ASK WHY
AREN'T I IN THE N.A.A.C.P.