[ Beep ]
-Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard -- aah!
-I've been a teacher for many years,
and I've never seen such a fuzzy child.
-Well, we just finished processing your tests,
and unfortunately, the results are swirling.
-We're live on this beautiful, funky night
from the historic Hong Kong Phooey Stadium.
Hi, Santa.
-Hello, ding-dongs.
-4,229 eggs
were stolen from Macy's,
and the crime scene has your butt written all over it.
-I did some research on you, and I see that you're unmarried.
-Mm. -And that you were
adopted at age 49.
[ Laughter ]
-It was a late adoption, that's all.
-I think we should break up.
-I hate candy!
-I completely understand that reaction.
Your blood pressure is 59/2.
And our X-rays found a canoe in your Achilles' heel.
-All you have to do is look deep...
[ Laughter ]
...within your per--
pere-nium.
-Perineum. -Perineum.
-When I'm around you, I feel like a Zamboni driver
at a funeral.
You know?
-I've heard that before.
-No, I'm just glad you're being honest.
You know, I really like you, Popeye.
-Yeah.
-And it's not just because you have nice ears.
-What's on this disc?
-Seven photos of Ingrid Bergman running.
-Before every game, I would go into the locker room,
put on fresh clip-on ties,
and rub my foot with my lucky Chicago.
-Wow!
-I left Santa a plate of Ball Park hot dogs
and a glass of Rob Roy...
[ Laughter ]
...but on Christmas morning,
there was nothing under the tree.
So I ran to my room and started running.
-It also appears that you have a rare condition
known as Fluffy Platypus Disease.
[ Laughter ]
-Not today, Satan.
-Unh, unh, unh-unh.
-Not -- -I -- Wait, now --
-Not today, Satan. -I --
-Satan. -No, I --
-Not today, Satan! Hey! -No, I -- Listen --
-And I am Mark, but you can call me Chuck
Now we do apologize for the 14 nanoseconds delay
because we are stalled because Gila monsters
are farting on the runway.
-Where were you on the night of Hanukkah?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] ♪♪
-You intrigue me, Ms. Barf-Barf.
And when someone -- [ Laughter ]
When someone intrigues me, I tickle excessively.
[ Laughter ]
-The reason I work so hard is because I get
to spread joy to millions of people
and go sit by the fire shaking my nad.
[ Laughter ]
Well... [ Cheers and applause ]
-What? [ Laughter and cheering ]
-I'm talking -- -I know, I know, I know, I know.
-I'm talking to a guy. -Oh, yeah.
-While eating cookies
and drinking Milwaukee's Best Ice.
-You couldn't carry a blank strap.
[ Laughter ]
-You -- -I'm through with playing games.
Where are you from?
♪♪
-Ukraine.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I'm a very successful astronaut.
-Oh.
-But my real passion is... digging.
-[ Laughs ]
-Just give me a spoon and put me out in the backyard.
-I want for you to read with him at least 19 years every night.
-Side effects also include an itchy armpit
and a decrease in the desire to hammer.
-In the event of a SantaCon,
a dirty underwear will drop down from your ceiling.
[ Laughter ]
-Your country is involved primarily
in agricultural projects, feeding the world's penguins.
With -- [ Laughs ]
With that kind of passion,
I wonder if your knee would be --
[ Laughs ]
-What's that?
Are you remembering an old joke or something?
-I wonder if your knee might be bigger than you let on.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Some -- Some people would say I don't have a knee at all.
-Then why'd the security-camera footage show you gyrating
just half a millimeter away from the crime scene?!
[ Laughter ]
-I'll always -- [ Laughs ]
I'll -- I'll always have a special place for you.
In my butt.
[ Laughter ]
-I actually just bought the book.
"Harry Potter and the Ladies of the Night."
[ Laughter ]
-Make sure all your mobile devices,
including smartphones, tablets, and MRIs...
are turned off and stowed.
If we see you using one, we'll kindly come up and say...
"It's mariachi night."
-And by repeating my own personal mantra...
"Poopity scoop."
-Yeah, and today during social studies,
I found 'em in the back of the classroom screwing!
-[ Laughs ]
Sweet Jesus!
Fine. I did it. I committed the robbery.
But I only did it because I needed the money
to buy myself little toe implants.
[ Laughter ]
No, bro. I'm gonna tell you the same thing
Dad used to tell me every night before bed.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-Yes? What -- What is that?
♪♪
-Stay golden, Ponyboy.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Stay golden. Stay golden, Ponyboy.
-Truer words have never been spoken.