I want to talk today about Hooters.
I know what you're thinking-- oh, that silly Ellen is going
to trick us and show us a cute web video of some owls,
because she said Hooters.
No.
You don't know me.
No.
Today, I'm going to talk about boobies.
Although if you have a cute owl video,
send it to me, because I love owls and I love cute videos.
But here's the headline that I want to talk about, right here.
Hooters Forced To Close Restaurants
Because Millennials Aren't That Into Breasts Anymore.
For some reason, the millennials are not
into the ta-tas, or the jugs, the knockers, the headlights,
the honk-honks, the Smothers Brothers.
I don't know what they're called these days.
Anyway, this is really bad news for Hooters.
It's terrible news for Dolly Parton.
Really.
According to the article, millennials
are less interested in breasts than older people.
So Hooters announced a plan for closing more stores.
So they're going to put a giant bra around them
and men won't be able to get them open.
Because they can't--
I did some research, and it turns out
Hooters has been having problems for a while.
I made a chart of their business over the years.
It really was up, down, and then up again.
I thought if I leaned it would make the joke funnier.
That's not a real chart.
To be fair, Hooters says they've tried everything.
Except for changing the waitresses' uniforms
and making better food.
But that's what they--
but this is just an idea.
Maybe it is possible the guys could
have their meals without a side of female objectification.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Or maybe-- maybe women have more to offer than short shorts
and jalapeno poppers.