-The House has laid out
the next steps in its impeachment inquiry
and now they're inviting President Trump himself
to participate. For more on this,
it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
One thing we know about Trump
is that his brain is basically a toxic waste dump
with a bunch of trash, debris just floating around in there.
And apparently, one particular piece of brain litter
that got lodged in his skull recently
is an insane and completely nonsensical idea
that there are people out there
who want to change the name of Thanksgiving
an idea he barfed up at one of his group therapy sessions
in Florida last night.
-As we gather together for Thanksgiving --
You know, some people to change
the name Thanksgiving. They don't want to use
the term Thanksgiving. [ Crowd booing ]
And that was true, also, with Christmas,
but now, everybody's using Christmas again.
Remember I said that?
[ Crowd cheering ]
But now we're gonna have to do a little work on Thanksgiving.
People have different ideas
why it shouldn't be called Thanksgiving,
but everybody in this room I know loves the name
Thanksgiving, and we're not changing it.
-We could change it to "What the [bleep] are you talking about?"
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
Because nobody --
nobody wants to change the name of Thanksgiving!
You see, as the impeachment inquiry intensifies
and Trump keeps losing, he and his allies on Fox News
have to keep inventing insane new paranoid conspiracy theories
to whip up their base and keep them in line.
I mean, first it was war on Christmas,
now it's Thanksgiving. What's next?
[ As Trump ] The Democrats don't want to use
the term Halloween, folks!
They want to change it to All Gourds Day.
We're not gonna let it."
[ Garbled speech ]
[ Garbled speech continues ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, you will not -- you will not be surprised to learn
that this dumb idea, like most of Trump's dumb ideas,
originated on Fox News.
In fact, at one point, Fox literally aired a segment
with a giant graphic that said the words,
"War on Thanksgiving."
There is no war on Thanksgiving.
The only war on Thanksgiving is the war between sane people
and racist uncles who think there's a war on Thanksgiving.
And then after that war, you have to have a second war
between cousins fighting over the last bottle of red wine.
[ Laughter ]
And then just to fully illustrate the lifecycle
of an insane right-wing conspiracy theory,
the war on Thanksgiving idea traveled from Fox News
to Trump's brain and then back to Fox News.
This morning, "Fox and Friends" aired a clip of Trump's comments
and then puzzled over where it could've possibly come from.
-I don't think there's a huge push
to change the name of Thanksgiving, is there?
-Well, you know, uh...
I think it was in 2015, there was a rumor that Barack Obama
wanted to change the name of Thanksgiving,
but that was debunked.
-They actually did it.
They found a way to tie it back to Barack Obama.
[ Laughter ]
I'm shocked they didn't find a way
to include Hillary Clinton, too. In fact, I heard a rumor
that one of Hillary's missing e-mails had the subject line --
"Secret Plan to Rename Thanksgiving."
So, I don't know. It's hard to tell...
[ Applause ]
Trump is grasping at straws and ridiculous lies
because the impeachment inquiry that threatens his presidency
is intensifying and moving into the next phase.
Remember, we just had two weeks of public hearings
that featured one witness after another
testifying that there was, in fact,
a corrupt quid pro quo with Ukraine.
We already have all the evidence.
Remember how they had to arrest Al Capone for tax evasion
because they couldn't get him on the other crimes?
Well, this is the exact opposite of that.
The President actually has committed tax evasion.
Everyone's like, "Oh, you don't forget!
We don't have time for that! The guy tried to get
two countries to interfere in our elections,
he paid off a porn star, and from the look of Rudy's face,
he judo chopped his own lawyer's ballsack.
Now the House is laying out its next steps
for impeachment inquiry, starting with a hearing schedule
for next week in the House Judiciary Committee,
which will be responsible for drafting articles of impeachment
against the President, which means a vote on those articles
could come by the end of the year.
-While Congress remains on Thanksgiving break,
Democrats are already preparing for a busy December
in the impeachment inquiry.
Once lawmakers return, it is the House Judiciary Committee
that will take center stage.
Chairman Jerry Nadler writing that on December 4th,
the panel will hold its first hearing in the probe to, quote,
"Discuss the historical and constitutional basis
of impeachment.
-December will be filled with public hearings
and a likely vote in the House Judiciary Committee
before a full vote to impeachment on the House Floor,
which could come before Christmas day.
-Wow, Trump could actually be impeached in time for Christmas.
I mean, in a way, it's the one promise he's actually kept
because remember, he did say...
-You'll be saying, "Merry Christmas" again.
-See, he was right!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, in announcing this next step,
the House also invited Trump and his lawyers
to participate in the impeachment process,
but in doing so, they laid out what would seem like
a pretty obvious rule.
House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler wrote to Trump,
"I am hopeful that you and your council will opt to participate
in the committee's hearings
consistent with the rules of decorum
and with the solemn nature before us."
It's amazing that they even had to tell the President
to adhere to the rules of decorum.
But it's like how you have one wedding invitation
for all of your guests and then another one
just for your druggy cousin.
[ Laughter ]
Now, a CNN poll this week found that 50% of Americans
want Trump not just impeached but removed from office,
and the House's invitation to Trump comes after weeks
of Trump complaining that he wasn't allowed to participate
in the impeachment process. In fact, last week
in a rambling Fox News interview,
he even said he would welcome a trial in the Senate,
which would likely begin early next year.
-Don't forget, there was no due process,
you can't have lawyers, we couldn't have any witnesses.
We want to call the whistleblower.
But you know who I want as the first witness?
'Cause, frankly, I want a trial.
-No! You do not want a trial.
You wouldn't last more than five minutes on the stand
without confessing. For one thing,
your arresting demeanor is, "You're damn right I ordered
the code red."
[ Laughter ]
So now that the impeachment inquiry
is moving to its next phase, Trump is preparing his defense.
For example, he's blocked several of his closest aids
from testifying -- aids who have been directly implicated
in this scheme to extort Ukraine.
In fact, at this very moment, Trump's White House
is fighting in court to block those aids from testifying.
But yesterday, Trump insisted he's actually love
to let them tell their side of the story.
-Trump tweeted, "I would love to have Mike Pompeo, Rick Perry,
Mick Mulvaney, and many others testify
about the phoney impeachment hoax.
-Oh, would you? Would you love for them to testify?
He always goes so overboard and makes it clear that he's lying.
That's like if your girlfriend said, "I'd love to stay in
on a Friday night and watch you play video games."
You'd be like, "Nuh-uh!"
[ Laughter ]
So Trump inner circle
has been dragged into the impeachment process, as well.
Now, it's well established that America's greatest Presidents
have always succeeded in part by assembling great teams.
FDR had his famous Brain Trust, Lincoln had his team of rivals,
and Trump, of course, has his team
of off-brand Mr. Potato Head dolls.
[ Laughter ] I mean, look at --
Why do they all look like their eyes and ears
have been drawn onto their heads?
I mean, Stephen Miller looks like
a snake just rose out of a basket,
Devin Nunes looks like someone poked two holes
in a brown paper bag,
Rudy Giuliani looks like a face drawn on a kumquat.
And now, Trump's inner circle is entangled in his criminal scheme
to extort a foreign country to interfere in the 2020 election.
For example, today the "New York Times" reported
that Giuliani, who is reportedly on a criminal investigation
for everything from money laundering
to obstruction of justice to campaign finance violations,
also pursued business in Ukraine
while pushing for inquiries for Trump.
And it wasn't just Rudy. Two of Giuliani's henchmen,
Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, have already been indicted
for their role in this scheme. You remember these two guys?
The guys who look like characters
from the Soviet version of Guess Who?
[ Laughter ]
Now, you might remember that these guys had at least 10 --
10 separate interactions with Trump.
And they told associates that Trump had sent them
on a secret mission to dig up dirt on Joe Biden and Ukraine.
I'm sorry, but these are the guys you want
on a secret mission? Yeah, I mean,
they'll blend right in as long as the mission
is to infiltrate a convention of Queens building supers.
[ Laughter ]
In fact, they specifically said they'd been given
a special assignment by Trump, which they told people
was some sort of James Bond mission.
It's really great that Trump came up
with a James Bond mission and he assigned it to two guys
who look like they'd immediately get thrown off a speedboat
by James Bond.
These guys look like the mug shots that would come up
during one of Bond's briefings.
You know, like at the beginning of the movie
when M is going through a list of known suspects
before they get to the main villain.
It's like, "[British accent] Lev Parnas -- arms dealer
eaten by a shark in the South Pacific.
Igor Fruman -- drug trafficker accidentally electrocuted
after putting his [bleep] in a socket in Kiev.
[ Laughter ]
That's the photo from before that happened."
[ Laughter ]
Now -- Now they've been arrested,
one of them is basically begging to flip
on Rudy and the President,
and the House Intelligence Committee
is reportedly already in possession
of audio and video recordings and photographs
provided to the committee by Lev Parnas.
The material submitted to the committee includes
audio, video, and photos that include Giuliani and Trump.
That's right, they have audio and video recordings
of Trump and Rudy. And let's just spare a thought
for the Congressional investigators
who have to sit down and listen to recordings of Rudy Giuliani.
I mean, these are investigators who probably clerked
for judges and high-powered law firms,
and they'll have to spend their holiday
sifting through the ramblings of this lunatic.
-Shut up, moron! Shut up.
-Okay, hold on. -Shut up. You don't know
what you're talking about. -We got the whistleblower.
We have the transcript... -Shhhh! Shh! Shh!
-...of the call and the President's remarks.
-[ Garbled ] I am Spartacus. I am Spartacus.
-By the way, Biden's been off the trip --
-He's our Al Gore.
-Alright, Rudy, hold that thought.
-What thought is he gonna hold?
You know you're crazy when you're already practicing
breaking free from your straightjacket.
"You'll never hold me! You'll never hold me!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
So now, not only does the House have possession
of these recordings, but they've also subpoenaed Lev and Igor,
and Democratic Intelligence Chairman Adam Schiff
said this week, "There's a chance
they'll even be called to testify."
-We have subpoenaed documents from Mr. Parnas.
We've had discussions with the Southern District of New York.
We have subpoenaed Mr. Parnas and Mr. Fruman
for their records.
We would like them to fully comply with those subpoenas.
We may go beyond those documentary requests,
but we first want to see the documents,
and we have seen time and time again
the importance of getting documents
before witnesses testify.
It would be nice to have those documents
before we question people like the Secretary of State
or question people like Mr. Parnas.
-Can you imagine this guys testifying before Congress?
He'd have to get special permission
to wear a tie with his track suit.
[ Laughter ]
The House has laid out the next steps
in the impeachment inquiry. A vote could come
by the end of the year. And judging by the polls,
if Trump does get impeached,
Americans will be doing a lot of...
-Thanksgiving.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]