Oh, hello there.
And welcome to How to Be The Perfect Boyfriend,
where you'll learn the skills and techniques to be
the best boyfriend you can be. (Growls)
Now, if you're a girl watching this, you'll probably just be
doing this the whole time.
Nodding along to the genius that are these tips.
You're welcome.
First tip! Be humble.
No girl wants a cocky guy, nor do they want a cock--
a guy that's timid and afraid, like a chicken.
So be confident, but stay humble like me,
the humblest guy I know in Humblesville Town.
Be mature.
The perfect boyfriend? More like the perfect man friend!
Because girls don't want a little boy. They want a man!
It's time to mature. Grow up!
The next time you hear a fart joke, you hold that laugh in.
(farting)
(snickering)
Hey, man, it's just a natural process of life.
It's not that funny.
So because mature men don't laugh at farts,
they've matured way past that. All the way to...
(moist fart)
Uh oh.
(panned laughter)
Sharts!
Be supportive. Supporting people is easy,
but the perfect boyfriend supports everything she says and does
to the very fullest.
The new girl at work was so irritating again.
I just wanna kill her sometimes.
Yes, do that! Murder her ass.
- What? - I'll start planning out the route.
I've already got the gun right here, and then maybe we can
- head together around 9:00-- - I don't actually want to murder her.
Exactly! Don't murder anyone
- because that would be crazy. - Hey, I'm not crazy.
The most sane person I know!
- Will you stop? - Took the words right outta my mouth.
Stopping right now.
Gosh, sometimes you can be such an idiot.
The dumbest idiot around! I hate me.
- Just shut up! - So closed, that's how my mouth
is gonna be from now on.
- Oh my god. - God, church, prayer, love it!
Somebody please shoot me already!
(gunshot)
Cute and meaningful nicknames.
When you're in a relationship for a while, you give
each other nicknames, and the last thing you wanna do
as the perfect boyfriend is give her a nickname that's generic
and has no meaning at all.
Never call your girlfriend "Baby" because that would make you a pedophile.
Don't ever call her "Angel" because she's not dead.
And please, whatever you do, never call your girlfriend "Bae".
Not only is that over-used, but she's not a small part of the ocean
where the land curves inwards.
The perfect boyfriend will come up with the perfect nickname,
something cute, something unique, something like...
- Hey, Ryan. - Hello, Fat Boy.
- What? - My favorite ice cream sandwich!
- Oh. - Oh, look.
- A dirty hoe. - Excuse me?!
I don't know what that hoe is doing inside.
It has mud all over it.
- Hmm. - Oh, wow.
I didn't even see you come in. Come over here, you little bitch!
What did you just call me?!
(Ryan) You're such a cute female dog!
Yes, you are! Who's a cute bitch?
Oh, didn't see you come in. Hey there, Pedophile!
Hey, Baby!
Exact opposites.
In order to be the perfect boyfriend, you have to be attractive
to your girl, and they do say that opposites attract.
Both scientists and people who say that...say that.
So although you want to be a supportive boyfriend,
you also have to be the exact opposite of her,
in every single way.
(G) Oh, I like this outfit.
- What do you think? - Ew, I hate that outfit!
Really?
Maybe I should change then.
Well, then I think you shouldn't change then.
But you just said you hated it.
- Didn't just say I loved it. - Are you just saying the opposite
of everything I'm saying?
I'm not saying the same as nothing you said.
OK...?
KO...?
- I like the color white. - I like the color black.
- I love oranges. - Apples are my favorite.
I love to watch The Big Bang Theory.
I love Friends.
(Sean) I love How I Met Your Mother.
You're not even a part of this!
And How I Met Your Mother had the worst ending ever.
You are a part of this, and How I Met Your Mother...
yeah, it had the worst ending ever.
- Hmm. - (mocking) Hmm!
Get along with her friends.
The famous poets, known only as The Spice Girls,
once said:
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.
Gotta get with my friends.
Get with my friends.
With my friends.
So date all her friends.
Stay away from the period.
When it comes to girls-- no, cut-cut the music.
This one's not even a joke. When it comes
to a girl's time of the month, for your own safety,
just stay away from the topic. Don't talk about it,
don't mention it, and especially do not make any jokes
that has anything to do with her time of the month.
Period.
(spooky music)
And last, but not least, comfort her when she's down.
No matter how perfect of a boyfriend you are,
there's gonna be times when your girl is feeling down,
or sad, or maybe she's just on her perioooodic table of elements!
Ah, see? That was a test.
Good job! I passed.
But as I was saying. There's gonna be sad times,
and in order to be the perfect boyfriend, you have to be there
to comfort her and know exactly what to say,
even in the toughest situations.
Hey, G, what's wrong?
- My grandfather just passed. - So sorry.
Hey, he's in a better place now.
Hey, G, what's wrong?
My dog ran away. I can't find him.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Hey, he's in a better place now.
Hey, G, what's wrong?
Nothing!
I'm about to start my period, and Sarah used my last tampon.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, but hey, it's in a better place--
- Don't you say it! - Say what?
You can't keep saying the same thing over and over again.
I'm just trying to comfort you.
It's not comforting! (sighs) I just don't understand
why, just for once, you can't be like any other normal boyfriend,
and comfort me like--
(scary music)
Ryan? Where'd you...?
(reading) I'm in a better place now.
Ryan! What the hell?
Where are you?
(Ryan) I told you already. I'm in a better place.
Less yelly over here.
Well, what the heck? You can't just leave a note
- and leave mid-conversation. - What note?
- The note right here. - (scary music)
- Where'd the note go? - (cell phone rings)
(Ryan) The note is in a better place now.
(scary music)
Are you fricking kidding me?!
(scary music)
- What the--? - (scary music)
(scary music)
- Where did everybody--? - (scary music)
(scary music)
(Ryan) Welcome, G, to the better place.
(gasps) Hey! My dog.
(dog) Hi, G!
And grandpa! You're back too.
That must mean...
Where's my tampons?
I'm sorry, the what?
My tampons! It's that time of the month.
I need it, remember?
Oh no, if you don't have those, you have to leave.
What?
This entire place is completely white. You have to leave.
Are you making a period joke?
Oh...oh, no, no, no, no. I wasn't...I wasn't trying--
That's the one thing you NEVER do.
Look, I was just-- It's perfectly fine.
- (sharp, angry breaths) - You can stay.
We could use a little more color in here. That is gross.
- I mean, that is not gross. - (growling)
Because it's a perfect period of time for girls.
I mean, time period. I mean, not period!
Commas, punctuation marks! That was what I meant.
- (demonic screams) - PMS. (gasps)
Oh, bloody hell.
(snarling)
Just calm down, okay?
(growling)
(Ryan yelps)
(farts)
(gasps)
(snickers)
(sighs) It's just a natural process of life.
(Ryan) And that's the story, kids, of how I should've met your mother.
Tee hee!
- (moist fart) - (gasps)
Uh oh.
(panned laughter)
No, that's not funny when you do it. That's just gross.
You're gross!