(intense music)
- [Narrator] As Don's week at the warehouse was wrapping up,
it was time to come clean with his employees.
- Actually, everybody. Got an announcement to make.
- Don't nobody wanna hear your bull (beep), newbie.
- Okay. - Don't nobody wanna hear it!
- Think you will care about this one.
So, gather around. I'm not actually a new employee.
- You can say that again.
You a waste of space, as far as I'm concerned.
Can't get nothing done in time.
Like a snail over here. (laughs)
- I am actually President of the company.
(bright uplifting music) You're on "Undercover Boss".
(crew laughing) TV show. Yeah.
In this week since I've been working here amongst you,
I got to hear each and every one of your stories,
just about, and uh-
- You know I was just playing, right?
You know (chuckles) I was just trying to
lighten the mood in the workplace and whatnot.
(Joseph chuckles) - Okay. Thank you, Joseph.
Bill.
Buddy.
You were telling me that your car broke down
and it hasn't been working right ever since.
Well, I wanna get you a new Ford Explorer.
- Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Mark.
That means so much to me.
- My whole family died in one day.
- Thank you. - Huge car crash.
- Joseph. - Huge, man.
We were having a family picnic
and then this truck just came on through
and just killed everybody.
It chopped everybody's heads off.
- Eleanore.
You were worried that you were
not gonna be able to afford college for your two boys.
And I'm starting a college fund for them both,
putting $10,000
in each one of them. (Eleanore gasps)
- This is amazing. I'm so grateful.
- You know, I can't make no family anymore.
'Cause my dick got chopped up in an accident.
And now I pee out the side. - That sucks.
- Sometimes I wake up in the middle of night,
I'm just like, I start to pee. (whistles)
Just go right in my mouth. - Oh, Joseph.
That's disgusting. - Sometimes poop
come out the other side.
I don't even know what- - Joseph.
- Dick is in eight pieces. - Joseph.
Okay. You know. - Just gimme a raise.
I ain't asking for no kind of scholarship.
- You know, Joseph. I'm gonna get to you right now.
- Okay, did I mention I was a prostitute
since the age of 17. - Joseph.
- 15. 10. - Joseph. Joseph.
- 7. 3. - Joseph. Joseph.
- Been a prostitute
since I was three. - Oh, Joseph.
- I was a prostitute in the womb.
- Joseph. - A dude put his pee-pee
in my mama. - Joseph.
- And they got inside of me.
And then they gave me money. - Joseph.
- Please, man. - You have been rude to me
since the moment I came here.
- Come on, man.
(chuckles) I was playing with you, dawg.
I knew you was the boss
the whole time, man. - Ow.
- Look at this fake-ass mustache.
- Ow. That's my real mustache, Joseph. That really hurt.
You're fired.
(Joseph gasps) Get outta here.
- I can't understand why.
- Get outta here.
- I got a rare condition that make me unlikable.
- No, you don't, Joseph.
- Lance. Lance. You've been in the urinal with me.
You seen me in the urinal. - Lance. I am sorry,
but do not engage. - Tell him my dick
is in three pieces. - Joseph.
Joseph, leave Lance alone. - It's true.
So then gimme a little bit of money.
- No. It's not gonna happen.
- Can I have a- - Joseph.
- He did. He did. - Joseph.
Leave Norman out of this.
- Who's Norman?
- The foreman.
- Norman, the foreman.
- That's his name.
- I know that. I worked intimately with him.
- No, you don't. You're fired.
- All right, I'm going. - All right.
Out the door with you, Joseph.
I am sorry about that.
Is he gone?
(door thuds)
Okay, Betty.
When you told me that your father passed away,
it hit me because my father passed away.
- But my Dick got chopped up though.
- Joseph.
- My Dick got chopped up. - That is so disrespectful.
Joseph, what are you doing?
I thought you left, Joseph.
- Like gristle off a Thanksgiving turkey.
- You're lying. - I got a gristle dick.
- Joseph, that's wildly inappropriate.
- Straight meat gristle.
It's hanging out here, right here, right now.
You can't see it. - Joseph!
- [Narrator] Coming up.
- You know, you have so many siblings.
And just to know that we both share a familial bond
and that there's nothing that can take that away.
- But my Dick got chopped up. - Joseph.
Where? How did you?
- Okay. All right.
Good morning, Tom.
Jason.
How you doing there, Dave?
Crystal.
Tommy.
Good morning, Jake. How are ya?
- Pretty good, Kenny. - Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's so early in the morning,
I'm sorry to be bearer of bad news,
but you know how I was supposed to work late tonight?
- Mm-hmm. - Well, I gotta
run this errand for Mr. Mahina
and he says that you're gonna have to cover for me.
So, there it is.
I don't even, I'm sorry. (whistles) Drop the ax.
(laughs) Okay. So.
- Hmm. - Mm-hmm.
- Again?
- Yeah, so.
Oh, you know what? (fingers snap) Just remembered.
(chuckles) Mr. Mahina also, almost slipped my mind,
wants us to change parking spaces.
- What? - Yeah.
Me, personally, I enjoy the nine-minute walk,
but he said that we have to do it.
Believe it. I hate it as much as you do.
- What are you gonna do? - Nothing you can do.
- Mr. Mahina said it.
- Mahina. (Jake chuckles)
- This whole situation has been Mahina-nized.
- It just seems a little confusing to me
as to why Mr. Mahina would give a (beep) where we park.
- How's that?
- I mean, why would he care where we park?
- I don't know the answer to that question.
I mean, that's, it's just what he said.
Hey, the Mahina works in mysterious ways.
- You know what? I'm gonna ask him myself, cause-
- No. That's okay! I'll do it!
(door thuds)
Mr. Mahina, sir, I know you're busy,
but can I speak to you about the parking switch?
- [Mr. Mahina] What is there to talk about, Kenny?
I told you and Jake to switch parking spaces.
Don't you know who I am?!
I am Mr. Mahina! And I'm a real, real person in here!
Now you get the hell out of my office!
- Wow. (door thuds)
Did you hear that? It was crazy in there.
I mean, that was, whew, tense.
- Yeah. You know, what's really crazy, though.
I've been working here for about a year
and I've never even seen Mr. Mahina.
- Well, see. Now that's an easy one to answer.
That's because he comes in before you come into work
and he's still working when you leave.
That's what makes him Mr. Mahina, you know.
Come on, we're talking about Mr. Mahina here, right?
(both laughing) - It makes perfect sense.
You know, I bet- - Mm-hmm.
- The hardworking boss would love to meet
a hardworking employee, you know,
who shares the same values.
So I'm gonna go ahead and just introduce myself.
- No! No! (stammering)
You can't go into Mr. Mahina's room. Are you crazy?
No one except me is allowed to go in there.
Mr. Mahina is busy.
- Okay. Fine. You made your point clear, man.
- Thank you very much, Jake. - I'm good.
- I think it's best. - And what.
- Wait, no, Jake, wait.
Jake! (intense dramatic music)
- (scoffs) Come on, man.
- What?!
Question my existence, will you?!
(Mr. Mahina bellowing) (both screaming)
(door slams) (both gasping)
When that prick turned me into a mop creature,
it didn't meant that people-
- I'll have that end-of-the-year report to you by 10.
(elevator clatters)
(gate squeaks)
(tense foreboding music)
- Okay, man. You know what? It wasn't my fault.
All right?
I had the money, like you said,
in the trash bag in the back of my car
and I was gonna go straight to drop spot, all right?
(tense foreboding music)
No, no. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.
No. No. Hey, Hey. Hey. Hey, man.
There ain't no need for you to get comfortable, okay.
Because I'm telling you, man,
what happened wasn't my fault, all right?
(stammering) I drove to the agreed upon location, man.
Oh, man.
Come on.
Okay. Okay! Okay. Okay.
Okay, because there's no need to have
anything crazy in a paper bag.
I'm telling you there's an explanation
for what went down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. Let's calm down now.
Let's calm down, man. There ain't no need.
Ooh, not a juice box.
There ain't no need to eat a meal
and then do some crazy (beep)
with a sandwich container and a juice box.
Ooh, man. Come on. Come on, man.
Just chill out a little bit.
Just you need to relax, man.
You need take it easy and relax.
Ooh! (beep)
Oh, goddamn.
Look. Come on, man.
Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't, don't, man.
Come on, man.
Oh, eating the sandwich, you eating the sandwich. (sobbing)
Oh, man, how you gonna sandwich me, dawg?
How you gonna sandwich me?
Oh (beep) Okay! Look! It's getting crazy now!
It's gotta stop! It's gotta stop right now, okay!
You cleaning yourself up before you do some ill (beep).
Come on, man.
What you doing? What you wanna know?
I'll tell you whatever you wanna know, man.
Just please stop this cold ass (beep) man.
I'm begging you, dawg. Please.
Oh (beep) No! No! Okay. Okay.
Maybe it was my fault a little bit.
Maybe it's my fault a little bit,
but don't just, what you gonna do with that juice box, man?
What you gonna do with that? What you gonna do with a straw?
What you gonna do with a straw? (sobbing)
Come on, man. Don't.
Listen. Listen. No, no. No.
I did it. I did it. I did it, okay. I did it.
I did. I left the car. I left for three minutes.
So please don't do anything with the straw.
Why aren't you stopping?
Fine. Fine! (screams) (blood squelching)
Okay, man. Ha-ha! I beat you to it.
Okay! I got your point, all right, man?
Huh?! Ooh, man! That's a bitch! (screaming)
(handle clicks)
(door thuds)
- Will we be having any more problems out of him, sir?
- No.
- Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
- Marjory, I'd love a cupcake.
Thank you so much for coming today.
As you know, every year the Vice President
hosts the annual company luncheon.
So I brought you here to make sure that
none of my material could be in any way misconstrued
as sexist, or racist, or homophobic.
So if you hear anything that could be
in any way offensive to anyone,
just raise your hand and-
Oh. I haven't really started yet.
Did you find something offensive?
- The fact that you think I need
a man's permission to raise my hand is insane.
I can raise my hand whenever I wanna raise my hand
because I'm a free woman.
- So I should just raise my hand like this,
like a big ole' black power fist?
Yeah. Huh? Boss, man. Is that what you want from me?
- This what you wanted?
A floppy, gay, hand just floating around in the air.
Well, here you go.
Here's my floppy, gay, hand
at the end of my limp, gay, wrist.
Happy?
- No! Jesus, no.
Wow. What?
- Why not, Mary, no? Or Rachel, no? Or Beth Sheba no?
Why does it have to be Jesus? A man.
- And are we talking about the Jesus that accepts everyone?
Or the Jesus who doesn't believe
that people should be able to love who they love?
- Oh, maybe I should just break out in some gospel song,
screaming and hollering and hooting.
Ooh, Lordy, Lordy.
- No, this isn't the speech yet. Can I just do the speech?
- Oh, you want this bitch to shut up? Is that it?
- What's the matter?
The black guy's making way too much noise
in your movie theater, massah?
- Forgive me for lisping and lilting through your speech.
- No, I just meant-
- [Employees] Whoa!
- What's with the hands, man? I ain't gonna shoot ya.
- What are you gonna grab my breast now?
- Protect yourself from the gay invasion.
- Guys.
- Ooh! Guys. Should I leave?
- Sorry. Men and women.
- Let's exclude everybody who identifies themself
as something else because they're not people.
- I meant people.
- Who's people? My people? Do I speak for my people.
- All right.
- More like, all white.
- More like, no right.
- More like women are second-class citizens. Right?
- Okay, stop.
Men, women, people of all ethnicities,
genders, sexual orientation, religion.
Can I please just get to my speech?
- Fine.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, here goes.
A Chinaman, a Polack, and an Arab walk into a bar.
- I love Arab jokes.
- Ching-chong, bring it on.
- You had me at Polock.
- Welcome to the team, Mr. Wise.
- Thank you.
- Now, being an Arizona Assistant State's Attorney
is an important job.
One we take very seriously.
In fact, we are willing to do anything to win.
- It's my honor, sir.
And I look forward to serving the state of Arizona.
Are these marbles?
- How's that?
- I was just admiring your container of marbles.
- Why, yes.
My wife got them for me as a gift.
- Oh.
- For my birthday.
which brings me to a speech,
well, I like to give anyone on their first day here
at the State's Attorney Office of Arizona.
You see, Lady Justice is a committed woman.
She's a slippery little scallop, as you can observe.
(dramatic ethereal music)
She doesn't cook, doesn't clean.
But what she does do, (dramatic ethereal music)
(marbles clattering) is she'll turn a blind eye.
(dramatic ethereal music) (marble tinkling)
What is going on?
What? - What are you doing?
- Oh, uh. (stammers)
Marbles. They're just, I gotta tell you.
They're just so beautiful that (laughs)
I was wondering what it would feel like in my mouth.
Like, what would the marbles feel like
if they were in my mouth? (laughs)
You know.
- What?
- Just, you know, like just, what would it feel like
if they were just, kind of, a whole ton of marbles
in my face.
- Well, don't do that.
Just. Just don't do that.
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Of course. (marble clatters)
Why, what am I doing over here?
I mean, that's a thing that a child would do.
You were saying.
- I was saying that Lady Justice,
she just stands there in my office, looking at me.
(dramatic ethereal music)
(marbles clattering) (dramatic ethereal music)
- Clayton! (marbles clattering)
Forget the marbles, boy!
Spit the marbles out, please.
(marble clatters) There you go.
(marbles clattering)
Well, all right. (marbles clattering)
Ah. (marbles clattering)
(marble clatters)
How many? Really? (marble clatters)
Do you have any? (marble clunks)
(foot thuds)
I'm gonna wait for the last. (marble clatters)
I'm assuming there's, yeah. (marble clatters)
I know there's another one in there.
- Nope.
- All right.
(marbles clattering)
- I am so. They're just so beautiful. I can't.
It's just these marbles. I gotta tell you.
- You obviously don't take this job
very seriously. - I do, sir.
It's just these particular marbles.
I just needed to feel what they felt like in my mouth.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
- You know we do serious business here, right?
- Yes. I do know that. I'm 100% aware of that. Yep.
- 'Cause I've forgotten where I was.
- You were saying that Justice is a dumb, blind, old lady.
I heard every word. - Yes.
No! She's not dumb.
But she is blind.
She's reminiscent of Kerry Washington-
(dramatic ethereal music)
(marbles clattering) Good, God.
(Clayton groaning) (marbles clattering)
(Clayton humming) (marbles clattering)
(Clayton gulps)
(Clayton groaning)
(marbles clattering)
(gentle ethereal music)
(phone beeps) Janice.
Send in the cleanup crew.
Another one fell for the marble trick. (laughs)
(dramatic ethereal music)
(lilting electronic music)
♪ All I want, yeah ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪