>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
TO THE LATE SHOW, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY, AS YOU CAN SEE,
I'M STILL OVER HERE.
AND PREVIOUSLY, ON TONIGHT'S
MONOLOGUE, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE INSPIRATIONAL HEROISM OF THE
UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.
THEY HAVE UNITED THE WORLD IN CONDEMNATION OF RUSSIA
AND INSPIRED THE WORLD TO ACTION.
FOR INSTANCE, LAST THURSDAY, AFTER PUTIN INVADED, ONE OF THE
HARSHEST OPTIONS AVAILABLE WAS TO CUT RUSSIA OFF FROM THE
INTER-BANK COMMUNICATION SYSTEM KNOWN AS SWIFT.
BIDEN WAS ASKED ABOUT THIS AT HIS PRESS CONFERENCE THURSDAY:
>> MR. PRESIDENT, YOU DIDN'T MENTION SWIFT IN THE SANCTIONS
THAT YOU ANNOUNCED.
IS THERE A REASON WHY THE U.S.
ISN'T DOING THAT?
>> IT IS ALWAYS AN OPTION, BUT RIGHT NOW THAT IS NOT THE
POSITION THE REST OF EUROPE WISHES TO TAKE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER HEARD OF
EUROPEANS BEING CAUTIOUS ABOUT NEW POSITIONS.
SINCE THEN, FACED WITH THE ENORMITY OF PUTIN'S CRIME, THE
WESTERN POWERS "HAVE" DISCONNECTED RUSSIAN BANKS FROM
SWIFT, FORCING RUSSIA'S CENTRAL BANK TO MORE THAN "DOUBLE"
INTEREST RATES TO 20% AND REFUSE TO OPEN THE MOSCOW STOCK
EXCHANGE.
WHICH IS PROBABLY A GOOD THING.
THIS IS WHAT SHARES OF THE RUSSIAN BANK SBERBANK
ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE WHEN THE MARKET OPENED IN LONDON THIS
MORNING: HOLY PIEROGI!
IT IS NEVER-- GOODS WHEN YOUR FINANCIAL GRAPH LOOKS LIKE
SOMEONE KNOCKED OVER THE PRINTER.
ALL WEEKEND, RUSSIAN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN STANDING IN LONG LINES
AT ATMs, TRYING TO GET THEIR MONEY BEFORE IT TURNS TO
DUST.
PUTIN'S FINALLY FULFILLED HIS DREAM OF BRINGING BACK THE
SOVIET UNION, BECAUSE THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WAITING
IN LINE FOR SOME BREAD.
FACED WITH A FINANCIAL CRISIS, PUTIN TRIED TO REASSURE CITIZENS
THAT THE BANKS WERE SOUND: YOU'RE THINKING OF THIS PLACE
ALL WRONG, LIKE I HAVE THE MONEY IN A SAFE.
THE MONEY IS NOT HERE, QULUR MONEY IS-- FUNDING A TANK
BRIGADE IN UKRAINE.
>> Stephen: I WOULD STAY IN LINE FOR THOSE RUBLES, RUSSIANS.
BECAUSE AS OF TODAY, APPLE PAY AND GOOGLE PAY NO LONGER WORK ON
MOSCOW'S METRO SYSTEM, LEADING TO LONG QUEUES AS PEOPLE FUMBLE
ABOUT FOR CASH.
EAT SUCKY MORNING COMMUTE, RUSSKIES!
I FELL YOU WHAT, I TELL YOU WHAT.
AND IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF UKRAINE, NEXT WE'RE SENDING THE
WORST FROM "OUR" SUBWAY: THE GUY WITH THE GARBAGE BAG
FULL OF SANDWICHES THAT HE'S GIVING OUT FOR "DONATIONS," AND
THE KID WHO BANGS ON A BUCKET.
HE ONLY KNOWS ONE SONG, AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS.
HOW DISLIKED IS RUSSIA ON THE WORLD STAGE?
EVEN FAMOUSLY NEUTRAL SWITZERLAND IS ADOPTING ALL THE
SANCTIONS THAT THE EUROPEAN UNION HAS IMPOSED ON RUSSIA AND
FREEZING THEIR ASSETS.
SWITZERLAND HAS A KNIFE OUT FOR SWITZERLAND, SWITZERLAND,
SWITZERLAND, SWITZERLAND HAS A KNIFE OUT FOR RUSSIA.
AND SINCE IT'S A SWISS KNIFE, IT COMES WITH LITTLE SCISSORS, A
TOOTHPICK, AND A CORKSCREW.
AGAIN, I I CAN IF THE SAY THIS ENOUGH.
SWITS LAN, THIS IS SWITZERLAND WHO MAY I REMIND YOU DIDN'T TAKE
A SIDE WHEN IT CAME TO HITLER BUT THEY LOOKED AT RUSSIA AND
SAID, "OK, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR."
THIS IS LIKE THE DALAI LAMA GRABBIN' A BUCK KNIFE AND
AN A.K. AND SCREAMING, "KILL 'EM ALL, LET THE BUDDHA
SORT 'EM OUT."
THAT'S NOT ALL.
TODAY, THE INTERNATIONAL SOCCER ORGANIZATION FIFA SUSPENDED
RUSSIA AND EJECTED IT FROM THE WORLD CUP.
(APPLAUSE) THAT'S BIG.
THAT'S IMPORTANT, THEY CARE ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: DEFINITELY A SURPRISING MOVE FOR SOCCER.
THEY'RE FAMOUSLY "HANDS-OFF."
SOME BANS ARE HITTING PUTIN PERSONALLY.
LAST NIGHT, THE INTERNATIONAL JUDO FEDERATION SUSPENDED HIM AS
ITS HONORARY PRESIDENT.
IN ADDITION, TODAY WE LEARNED HE WAS BANNED FROM THE GLOBAL
CONSORTIUM OF VOLCANO-BASED SUPERVILLAINS.
THEY RELEASED THIS STATEMENT: "MR. PUTIN'S ACTIONS IN UKRAINE
RUN COUNTER TO THE VALUES OF OUR SUBTERRANEAN DOOM LAIRS.
WE ARE IMMEDIATELY RECALLING HIS HAIRLESS CAT."
ALL THESE SANCTIONS HAVE APPARENTLY DRIVEN PUTIN TO THE
BRINK.
YESTERDAY, HE ORDERED RUSSIAN NUCLEAR FORCES PUT ON
HIGH ALERT.
EVERYBODY DOIN' OK?
FOR THOSE OF YOU YOUNGER THAN 50, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.
IF THEY LAUNCH THE MISSILES, JUST REMEMBER TO HIDE UNDER YOUR
SCHOOL DESK.
HE EXPLAINED HIS ACTIONS THIS WAY, NOT ONLY DO WESTERN ACTIONS
"NOT ONLY DO WESTERN COUNTRIES TAKE UNFRIENDLY MEASURES AGAINST
OUR COUNTRY IN THE ECONOMIC DIMENSION, I MEAN THE ILLEGAL
SANCTIONS THAT EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT VERY WELL.
BUT ALSO THE TOP OFFICIALS OF LEADING NATO COUNTRIES ALLOW
THEMSELVES TO MAKE AGGRESSIVE STATEMENTS IN REGARDS TO OUR
COUNTRY."
UGH.
WELL, I HATE COVER BANDS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(APPLAUSE)