( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS SO GREAT, SO AGREEMENT TO BE HERE TONIGHT IS WHAT I
WOULD SAY IF I WERE ACTUALLY HERE.
RIGHT NOW, I'M ON MY WAY TO L.A.
FOR THE EMMYS, AND THIS WAS RECORDED AHEAD OF TIME.
SO AS YOU WATCH THIS, I'M ON A FLIGHT HEADED TO LOS ANGELES,
GIVING THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT A VERBAL "YES" THAT I'M WILLING TO
ASSIST IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO LONG AS THAT EMERGENCY IS "THERE'S TOO MUCH VODKA ON THIS
PLANE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EMMY WEEKEND.
BUT WE STILL HAVE AN AMAZING "BEST OF SEASON FOUR" SHOW FOR
YOU, WITH ALL KINDS OF HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE SHOW'S LAST
YEAR, WHERE WE TALK ABOUT THE LOWLIGHTS FROM OUR COUNTRY'S
LAST YEAR.
( LAUGHTER )
A SPECIAL ALL-NEW SHOW FEATURING THE ONE AND ONLY
SIR PAUL McCARTNEY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT.
THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
GIVE IT UP.
>> Jon: I SEEN HIM.
I SEEN HIM.
>> Stephen: SIR PAUL IS BACK HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER,
WHERE THE BEATLES KICKED OFF THE BRITISH INVASION IN
FEBRUARY, 1964.
IT WAS SUCH AN EXCITING NIGHT THAT JUST THREE MONTHS LATER, I
DECIDED TO BE BORN.
JIM?
IT'S ELECTION NIGHT AND "THE LATE SHOW" IS LIVE, EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAPPENING IN REAL TIME.
TO PROVE TI JUST SENT AN INTERN OUT TO PICK UP THE VERY LATEST
EDITION OF "THE NEW YORK TIMES."
HERE'S THE HEADLINE: "IT IS 11:36 AND 42 SECONDS P.M.
EASTERN STANDARD TIME."
THERE YOU GO, THAT PROVES IT.
>> IF THERE IS GOING TO BE PEACE AND LEGISLATION, THERE CANNOT BE
WAR AND INVESTIGATION.
IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
( LAUGHTER )
REPUBLICANS WERE LIKE HEY-- DID HE... WHAT?
OF COURSE THE REPORTER HAD TO ASK ABOUT YESTERDAY'S
PRESIDENTIAL TWEET IN WHICH TRUMP CALLED THE PORN STAR HE
HAD SEX WITH A HORSEFACE.
WHEN THE CARPENTERS ASKED IF THAT WAS APPROPRIATE FOR THE
PRESIDENT, TRUMP RESPONDED, "YOU CAN TAKE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT."
( LAUGHTER )
HORSEFACE?
"HEY, IT'S A COMPLIMENT.
DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERY SINGLE WINNER OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY HAD
A HORSEFACE?
AND," AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THEY ALSO HAD A TINY MAN ON TOP
OF THEM.
TRUMP IS NOT HAPPY.
YESTERDAY HE COINED A NEW CATCH-PHRASE TO DESCRIBE THE
INVESTIGATIONS: >> IT'S CALLED "PRESIDENTIAL
HARASSMENT."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YES.
YES.
"PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT."
IT'S LIKE SEXUAL HARASSMENT, ONLY REPUBLICANS TAKE IT
SERIOUSLY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> A LUCKY TURKEY GETS A PRESIDENTIAL PARDON.
THAT TURKEY IS SO LUCKY.
I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL TURKEY.
>> Stephen: ( AS TRUMP )
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, IF IT WASN'T MY DINNER, PERHAPS I WOULD BE
DATING IT.
ON FRIDAY, ROBERT MUELLER TURNED IN HIS REPORT TO ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND WHITE COLLAR FRED FLINTSTONE, WILLIAM BARR.
SECRETARY OF STATE AND REIGNING CHAMPION RETURNING TO RIB-MANIA.
THE WHI WHITE HOUSE'S OWN STATLE AND WALDORF.
OUTGOING TENNESSEE SENATOR AND MOM'S NEW E-HARMONY BOYFRIEND.
ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL AND BABY WHO GREW UP AND IS NOT HAPPY
ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO ADMINISTRATION SOURCES, TRUMP PREFERS A
DIPLOMATIC APPROACH TO RESOLVING TENSIONS AND WANTS TO SPEAK
DIRECTLY WITH IRAN'S LEADERS.
GREAT-- TRUMP WILL GET A CHANCE TO BREAK OUT HIS DIPLOMATIC
CHARMS WHEN HE MEETS AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI.
IT IS A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MUSLIM WIZARD.
NICE, NICE, REALLY NICE.
I LIKE THE PLACE.
MR. DU DUMBLEDORE OF THE DESERT, PLEASE, DON'T PUT A SPELL ON ME.
I COME IN PEACE.
NOW, LET'S SEE THAT FLYING CARPET.
WHERE WE GOT THAT?
THEN PELOSI PSYCHOANALYZED TRUMP SAYING, THIS WALL THING, IT'S
LIKE A MANHOOD THING WITH HIM, AS IF MANHOOD COULD BE
ASSOCIATED WITH HIM."
OH!
>> Jon: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S COLD!
SO THE WALL IS A METAPHOR FOR HIS MANHOOD.
NOW WONDER HE'S HAVING TROUBLE ERECTING IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THEY'VE INTERCEPTED WONDERFUL
PEOPLE FROM SOUTH AMERICA AND FROM OTHER PARTS FURTHER SOUTH.
( LAUGHTER )
UNDERSTAND... WAIT A SECOND.
"FURTHER SOUTH" THAN SOUTH AMERICA?
OH, MY GOD!
DID BORDER PATROL ARREST TERROR PENGUINS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY EXIST.
>> Jon: THEY EXIST.
MAN, YOU GOTTA WATCH THEM.
>> Stephen: BETTER THAN KNOWN AS ISIS.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
TRUMP ALSO GOT INTO A BEEF TODAY WITH FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND
MAN ENJOYING HIS INVISIBLE CORN...
( LAUGHTER )
PENNSYLVANIA REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN WHOSE EYEBROWS DON'T MATCH
THE DRAPES.
( LAUGHTER )
THE MEMBERS OF THE ADAMS FAMILY COMBINED.
KENTUCKY SENATOR AND MAN WHO JUST SAW HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR.
( LAUGHTER )
THE DOGS AT THE DOG PARK WOULD PUT ON SOME DAMN PANTS.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS MUELLER INVESTIGATION FOR TWO
YEARS.
I THINK WE EVEN MENTION IT ON THE SHOW A COUPLE OF TIMES.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS WORSE THAN THE FINALE OF "LOST."
>> Jon: WOW, WOW.
>> Stephen: I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THE SMOKE MONSTER?
WAS IT REAL OR NOT?
AND IF NOT, WHY HAVE SO MANY MEMBERS OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN PLED
GUILTY TO LYING ABOUT MEETING WITH THE SMOKE MONSTER?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE BEEN LIKE THE ENDING OF "SEINFELD."
STILL, STILL DISAPPOINTING, BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE ALL IN JAIL.
>> I HOPE THEY NOW GO AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE ORANGES, THE ORANGES
OF THE... INVESTIGATION, THE BEGINNINGS OF THAT
INVESTIGATION.
THE MUELLER REPORT I WISH COVERED THE ORANGES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
YES, SIR!
MUST TAKE A LOOK AT THE ORANGES OF THE INVESTIGATION!
I SAY IT IS HIGH CLEMMEN TINE WE DO SO!
COMING INTO THE EVENING, JOE BIDEN HAD A BIG LEAD IN ALL THE
POLLS AND TO CELEBRATE, HIS SUPPORTERS HANDED OUT FREE ICE
CREAM.
THEY CALLED IT "JOE CONES."
( LAUGHTER )
WEARS TO MAKE SURE HE RESPECTS PERSONAL SPACE THESE DAYS.
( LAUGHTER )
>> JUST-- JUST SAFETY.
TRUMP WAS IN THE ROSE GARDEN THIS AFTERNOON WITH A BRAND-NEW
IMMIGRATION PLAN.
THE NEW PLAN COMES COURTESY OF PROFESSIONAL DAUGHTER HUSBAND
JARED KUSHNER, WHO WANTS TO MOVE IMMIGRATION TOWARDS A
MERIT-BASED SYSTEM.
BOTH DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS HATE THIS PLAN.
POLITICO DESCRIBED AS "JARED'S COMPLETE WHIFF."
AH, THIS FATHER'S DAY, GIVE YOUR MAN A WHIFF OF JARED.
MMMM!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DANGEROUSLY UNQUALIFIED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS VICTORY MEANS THE RETURN TO POWER OF PRESUMED SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE AND WOMAN TREATING HERSELF TO TWO CALCIUM CHEWS TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND MAN WHO IS ACTING ALL NATURAL WHILE
PEEING IN THE POOL.
>> DEPARTMENT ATTORNEY GENERAL AND LAB PARTNER WITH A SECRET
CRUSH OW.
DIRECTOR OF THE OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET, AND BAD
GUY FROM "RAIDERS" BEFORE HE LOOKS IN THE ARC.
AND BABY SIPTER WHO LOST TWO OF THEM.
( LAUGHTER )
CHIPMUNKS," MICK MULVANEY.
GATHER AROUND KIDS.
IT'S TIME TO READ A LITTLE BOOK WE AT "THE LATE SHOW"" PUT
TOGETHER CAWD, "WHOSE BOAT IS THIS BOAT?
COMMENTS THAT DON'T HELP IN THE AFTERMATH OF A HURRICANE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THESE ARE ALL ACTUAL THINGS THAT HE SAID.
"IS THIS YOUR BOAT OR... DID IT BECOME YOUR BOAT?"
( LAUGHTER )
HAS RAISED $1 MILLION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK AT THAT!
$1-- >> Jon: SEVEN DIGITS.
>> Stephen: A BURCH OF ZEROS.
WHEN IT CAME TO MEDICARE FOR ALL, BERNIE WAS READY TO THROW
DOWN.
>> THEY WILL BE BETTER BECAUSE MEDICARE FOR ALL IS
COMPREHENSIVE.
IT COVERS ALL HEALTH CARE NEEDS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS.
IT WILL FINALLY INCLUDE DENTAL CARE, HEARING AIDS, AND EYE
GLASS.
SECOND OF ALL.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, BERNIE.
>> I DO IT.
I WROTE THE DAMN BILL!
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: BOOM!
>> Jon: GIVE ME THAT BERN!
OH!
>> Stephen: "I WROTE THE DAMN BILL!
AND IT'S A GOOD THING YOU GET DENTAL CARE, TIM, BECAUSE I JUST
SLAPPED THE TEETH OUT OF YOUR DIRTY MOUTH!
IT'S RAINING CHICKLETS IN HERE!" ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE LIFTING HER
OUT OF THERE... OKAY, SPINNING A LITTLE BIT...
OKAY, JUMP AHEAD...
AND...
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS HAPPENING!
WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING?
DID YOU TIE HER TO THE ROTORS?
THE RESCUE TEAM WAS NEVER REALLY CONCERNED.
A PHOENIX FIRE CAPTAIN EXPLAINED.
>> WE WERE AT LEAST ABLE TO MAKE SOME EYE EXACT I COULD TELL THAT
SHE WAS DOING OKAY.
>> Stephen: YOU MADE EYE CONTACT?
HOW?
"MA'AM, MA'AM, MA'AM!
ARE YOU OKAY?
MA'AM!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
ARE YOU OKAY?" LET'S FIND IT IN HERE SOME
PLACE.
"PUT KIDS IN CAGES.
GAVE SECURITY CLEARANCE TO SON-IN-LAW.
REPEATEDLY HUMPED THE FLAG.
CALLED NAZIS 'VERY FINE PEOPLE' HASN'T RELEASED TAX RETURNS YET.
AFTER THAT BIRTHER STUFF.
THOUGHT FREDERIC DOUGLAS WAS ALIVE.
TRIED TO BAN MUSLIMS.
GAVE A SPEECH ABOUT A SEX BOAT TO BOY SCOUTS.
RUINED KANYE WEST.
HERE WE GO, "CLIEWLDED WITH RUSSIA."
LET'S-- LET'S TAKE THAT ONE OFF.
THERE GU.
>> Audience: OH!
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, FAIR IS FAIR.
LET'S TAKE THAT ONE OFF, OKAY.
AND I REALLY WANT TO BE FAIR TO HIM, OKAY?
I SHOULD ALSO CROSS OFF "MUELLER" FROM THE LIST OF TRUMP
INVESTIGATIONS.
OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHEN WE RETURN, MORE, MORE!
>> COMING UP, PEOPLE YOU'VE HEARD OF IF YOU'VE HEARD OF
CELEBRITIES.