-Welcome. Welcome back to the show.
We have an all-military audience --
the best audience all year. -I know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My dad -- My dad was in the U.S. Navy.
So, you know... -Is that right? Hey.
[ Cheers and applause ] Me too.
-I have a long history with seaman, so -- yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. -Yeah, that's --
Me too. -I don't want to know about --
Well, I can clearly see you have something in your hair.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
-No, I meant my dad was in the Navy.
-That's really bad, isn't it?
-That's what I meant to say. He was.
It's always great to see you. You look fantastic.
-Oh, so do you. -Thank you. I appreciate that.
What about me is so fantastic? No, I'm just kidding.
-Your hair. -Thank you very much.
I want to talk to you about --
It's burger season now. And you --
-It's always burger season. -It is.
No, but you -- [ Cheers and applause ]
-Isn't it? -I'm ready to put it
into full gear. You want me to taste --
a taste test of which burger, right, is that what's going on?
-Well, I have -- I'm always disappointed.
Sorry, guys and girls and ladies and transgender people
in the audience tonight.
But I -- I'm always disappointed by the American burger
because you go in and there's no beets,
there's no caramelized onion, and there's no egg.
-What? -So, I have got
an Australian burger organized for you.
But I also have a vegetarian burger.
-Ooh, wow, wow, wow. [ Cheers ]
-Which, I swear to God, is the best goddamn burger --
Superiority Burger -- you will ever have in your life.
-All right. So how do you want to do this?
-Well, I want to blindfold you, for many reasons.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ] This is gonna be fun!
-Okay. -Okay.
-All right, here we go. -That's not a blindfold.
That's something you get in first class
on American Airlines. [ Laughter ]
-I wouldn't know. I only fly coach.
[ Light laughter ]
Is that good? -That's -- I don't know.
-Does it look not good? -You feeling comfortable?
-Feels like 50 shades of -- -50 shades of burger.
-Yeah, burger. 50 shades of burger.
-Are you ready for your burger? Bring on the burgers, boys.
-All right, here they are. -Okay.
-All right.
-We're gonna go with the traditional first
because I know you're a traditional kind of guy.
-Why am I blindfolded? I know what a burger looks like.
[ Laughter ]
It's like -- so weird.
-'Cause it's sexy. -Yeah, okay. Thank you.
-So, this is the traditional Australian burger.
It's got egg. It's got caramelized onions.
It's got lettuce. I should work at McDonald's.
-All right. An Australian burger.
-It's only got one bun. -Okay.
Now what do I -- Now do I eat it?
-That gets the egg going. [ Audience groans ]
I know. -Wait. What are they making
these noises for?
[ Laughter ]
I don't know what is gonna go down, man.
I trust you. -Oh, my God, it is so big.
I just -- -Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, my God, this is gonna be so much fun, Jimmy.
I can't wait for you to eat it! -All right, here we go.
Right. [ Cheers ]
Now what do I do? -You open your mouth.
[ Laughter ]
Said the actress to the bishop.
-[ Laughs ] -Okay, okay, over here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do we have a napkin?
-That is fantastic.
That is not the vegetarian. -Nope.
-Okay. So what did you get?
Did you get the caramelized onions?
-There's a beet in there. It actually tasted real good.
-So, you forget beets in America, really important.
-I never had that. -What else did you get?
-I got egg in there. Caramelized onions, right?
-Did you get, you know, GM-beef or did you get -- oh, hang on.
-What does GM beef mean?
-Oh [bleep] I'm so sorry.
[ Laughter ]
-What is going on?
-You are gonna go home to your wife and she is going say,
"What is that on your pants?"
[ Laughter ]
-That's happened before. -I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Okay, so -- -Did something just drip on me?
-You need to cleanse it with a beer.
-Okay. -Okay?
-Sure. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Right?
-You are the best guest ever, by the way.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, here's a straw. Don't wanna ruin your lipstick.
[ Cheers ]
-Got a little egg. Okay, okay, now does this
cleanse your palate? -Yeah, that was great.
-Now, this... -That's delicious beer.
-...ladies and gentlemen and transgender
members of the military,
this is the Superiority Burger.
-Okay. -Called the Superiority Burger
because it is superior.
Brooks Headley, down in the Lower East Side.
-Okay. -This is a burger.
[ Cheering ]
-I know. Confusing, huh?
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
That's fantastic.
-This is the thinking man's burger.
-Wait. Does it have mustard on it, too?
-There's mustard. -Pickles?
-There's pickles. -That's fantastic.
I'm in. -And there is no meat
in this burger. -No meat in that one?
What did you do to me? -Oh, you know.
[ Laughter ]
This is messy. -They were both delicious.
I really like the Superiority Burger.
-This is no meat. Isn't that crazy?
-That's fantastic. -Brooks Headley developed this.
-Who out there would like to have a hamburger fed to them
by Academy Award-winning actress Cate Blanchett?
Let's break it up, please. They would love some, please.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-I want the Navy! -All right, you want Navy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You're doing it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Okay. Do you want the meat or do you want the no-meat?
[ Audience shouting "Meat" ]
Is this what it's like to be on a boat as a woman?
[ Cheers and applause ] -It is, it is.
-Hold that, guys. -All right, here we go.
-You can get your turn.
-But don't get it on the whites, here.
You got to be very -- -Oh, [ bleep ]
Oh [bleep] I'm so sorry. -I'll do this.
[ Laughter ]
Go for it. You wanna be blindfolded, too?
-No, you want Superiority. -Okay.
-Generally, as a woman, we have superiority.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Okay, go for it.
-Yes!
What did you think? That's fantastic right there.
And then, you want to try the other one?
-Oh, hang on. -Oh, yeah. Okay.
Okay, right -- -We're going to go --
This is the Aussie burger. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
This is the sloppy Joe.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-How was that? That's good, right?
-Here, pass it around. -Pass it around.
Fantastic, right? You're gonna wipe it on my suit.
Wiping it on my suit.
You are the best guest ever.
You're the first person to ever bring --
-No, my dad was in the Navy, right?
He was -- -Look at them!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
You have a beer, too. -I know, I do have a beer.
Okay. -Wanna have a chugging contest?
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Audience chanting "Chug" ]
-Are you doing it?
[ Audience chanting "Chug" ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Audience booing ]
-You -- Oh, for God's sake, shut up.
[ Laughter ]
You are gonna chug like a woman.
[ Audience shouts ]
-What? -With a straw.
We wear lipstick. We're not gonna get it all over
the glass. Okay, hang on.
[ Audience shouting ]
-Don't yell. -Hang on, no, hang on.
No, you got more than me. Okay.
-1, 2, 3.
[ Drum roll ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh, my God.
Dude, you're good! -Oh.
-Oh, my gosh.
Are you okay? -Ugh!
-[ Coughs ]
-I hate beer. -Oh, my God.
You are a champ.
-No, I'm just competitive. -Oh, my gosh.
That is fantastic. -That is disgusting.
-That really is unbelievable. Man, you're unbelievable.
-What kind of beer was that?
-Must be some Australian thing, right?
-Was it? No.
-An Australian-themed beer. -[ Indistinct shouting ]
-Yeah. -Victoria? No.
Are there Australian servicemen, women,
and transgender people out there?
[ Laughter ]
Hi, y'all, y'all.
-Oh, there's a piece of egg down here, as well.
-I don't -- Yeah, I don't want to know about it.
You are a legend. -Can I lie down?
-Let's talk about "Ocean's 8." It's you, it's this giant cast.
There's a heist.
There's jewelry involved, the Met Gala.
-[ Slurring ] I don't understand a word you're saying.
-Well -- [ Laughter ]
-There's jewelry, and there's a movie,
and they steal stuff, and it's really, I love you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Mock crying ] -I'm just tired.
I'm having a moment right now! -I know, I love you!