NADJA OF ANTIPAXOS: This is mine and Laszlo's crypt.
I decorated it myself.
This one is a very special creature to me.
When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him
and this owl flew over and scratched my head.
And I said, "kill that fucking bitch, please, Laszlo."
Everything is back to normal, because [INAUDIBLE] is back!
That's true, I've got to admit.
Wallace, as contemptible a man as he is,
actually came up trumps.
[COUGHS] Told you so.
[COUGHS] You fucking didn't.
NANDOR THE RELENTLESS: Our home has been selected to host
the biannual vampire orgy.
NADJA OF ANTIPAXOS: One time they tried going tri-annual.
Which is bloody pointless, because it
takes me at least six months to recover from any orgy.
Yes, it does.
We're going to have some fun.
We need some sexy paintings for the walls.
NADJA OF ANTIPAXOS: I was thinking we would replace
this picture of us with that lovely one where we were naked
and we have cherries in our bums.
The stigma attached to throwing a poor orgy--
I mean, I've known people who have committed
suicide after a poor orgy.
I wouldn't go that far.
I would kill you though, and then I'd kill myself.
There's no recovery from that humiliation.
I don't like to even speak of it-- but the notorious orgy
of 1937--
LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH: No, no, no, no--
- Well-- - --no, no, no.
Don't even say the year.
NADJA OF ANTIPAXOS: It was a lot of just
very terrible chit-chat.
I cannot even speak the name of the vampire that
organized that monstrosity.
I don't give a fuck.
His name was Mike.
Fucking Mike!
LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH: I was the most
handsome man in our village.
His village was very badly affected
by leprosy and the plague.
That's true.
And I myself did contract leprosy,
but I was quite lucky because it couldn't be seen.
It was only one part of my anatomy.
Well, I can see it.
Anyway, one night I was awoken by this horrible clawing
at the window.
And I thought, "who the hell is that," because I
live on the third floor.
So I went to investigate it.
I threw back the curtain.
Well, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen,
but she was gripping the window and she
was clawing at the glass.
I was hypnotized.
I used hypnosis on him.
Which I found out later.
Anyway, obviously I invited her in.
We were about to make love when she
turned into this hideous, leathery bat-thing.
She drained me of my blood, giving me
the curse of eternal life, and thus making me
a bloodthirsty creature of the night.
I was doing the bloody disco 100 years before any other fucker.
I gave you that idea!
Colin Robinson, this is a private conversation!
Sorry, I just wanted to hop in and say
be sure you do some new songs.
Why?
Every time I go to a rock concert
and the singer says, "OK, we're going
to take a break from the hits and do
some of our new material," the crowd goes bananas.
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]
Hello, everybody.
I'm Nadja, and this is Laszlo, and we are Nadja and Laszlo,
the Human Music Group.
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]
LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH: This is a love song to my wife, Nadja.
(SINGING) You took my heart like no one--
(SINGING) In this town.
In this town.
(SINGING) When we make love, we fly--
(SINGING) Up and down.
Up and down.
My darling, I will see you when we are kissing the ground
of your native land, and make love on the bones
of those who scorned you.
Safe passage, my darling.
Yoo-hoo-hoo!
Are you in?
Yes!
Lock me up!
LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH (VOICEOVER): "My dearest,
Nadjia, you must be deucedly cross with me
for my subterfuge.
But you have Gizmo at your side, if he has not
expired or drowned in his own filth
during the transatlantic crossing.
I did cut a small hole in the bottom of the coffin.
So if he is either accurate or persistent, he should be fine.
But, I digress.
Guillermo is a damn good bodyguard.
He will keep you safe.
But the truth is, my darling, you don't
need anyone to keep you safe."
OK, so this is my trinkets case.
LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH (VOICEOVER): "Over
these past 200 or 300 years--"
Hurry up!
LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH (VOICEOVER): --"you
have grown into a strong, bold, independent woman of the world.
It is a strange and dangerous netherworld we inhabit.
And I once thought you too weak and defenseless to navigate it
on your own, and that you needed me about at all times
to take care of you--
but that is no longer true, were it ever so."
Woo-hoo!
LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH: Where the hell did you come from?
Well, I had a little help.
Surprise!
My darling!
Oh, my darling!
Every day of your absence--
Oh, I've missed you so much!
--has felt like a decade, every decade a century.
Let's fuck!
These guys are still here [INAUDIBLE]!!
Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter.
Don't you want to know why I've returned from London?
Yeah, you can tell me later. It'll wait.
My work with the Worldwide Supreme Vampiric Council
was so challenging, but also fulfilling, you know?
And-- and I gave it all up--
I had to, because I missed you so much, my wide lover.
Your words move my heart.
[LAUGHTER] [SMACK]
Aah!
NADJA OF ANTIPAXOS: You are a naughty, bloody boy!
You were supposed to come with me to London,
but you just packed me up and shipped me off.
My darling, I had to look after the boy.
I wrote you!
Yes, yes, about the creature that crawled out of the cavity
of dead Colin Robinson's chest.
I understand, I guess.
Speak of the devil--
hello!
Is that you, little one?
Mommy's home!
That's not him.
Are you sure?
Yes.
That's a raccoon, my darling.
They've taken residence in the library.
NADJA OF ANTIPAXOS: Hm.
The boy himself is upstairs asleep.
Well, perfect then.
Yeah.
I want to peel you like a potato and mash your insides.
Come on.
OK.
But watch your step, my darling.
The water damage has ruined the wood--
well, not this wood.
[LAUGHS]