One of the reasons couples therapy is ineffective is because many times the
couple takes too long to decide whether or not they're going to go to therapy.
In other words, I've seen couples that have waited 10 years, and it's important to
understand during that 10 years of trying to figure out what was wrong with
their marriage, they tried ineffective measures. So, in many ways, they've hurt
the marriage even more. Today on Reaction Reset, I'm going to list signs that
couples therapy is right for you.
Many avoid therapy for several reasons, and a big part of that is the stigma
attached with it. Nobody wants to address an emotional issue they have, and they're
feeling ashamed or embarrassed about it. Or maybe it's the cost of therapy or
what will your friends say - what will others say. Whatever the reason for you,
what's important to remember is that - no matter what - therapy will help you.
It may not fix the marriage, but it's going to help you understand what's
happening in your marriage and also how to move through it. When I explain to
you signs that your marriage may benefit from therapy, it's important to
remember we see these in healthy marriages, too. But if you
start struggling with several of the things I list, then it's time to go. Even
unhealthy marriages have times where they function pretty well, but make no
mistake, there's always something underneath it. Partners who are in an
unhealthy marriage tell me, "We knew we needed help,
just neither one of us could face that we had to go." The first sign is you
dread going home. When you go home you get a feeling in your gut. Like - what
else can I do to prolong this? People who aren't happy in their marriage, they'll
do anything else but go home. These people you may see stopping for a happy
hour or maybe they'll take on extra projects at work so they can avoid going
home. Inside you know it, because you start having a gut ache or your head
aches or your blood pressure is going up; because, you see, sometimes we'll deny
things in our brain, but our body knows. Secondly, do you guys fight about the
same issue over and over and over again? When you start having the same conflict
unresolved and it just continues to escalate and both people are angry at
the end of it, this is a sign that you need therapy. A therapist can look at
what you're doing, can help you sort through it, and get to what the feeling
is underneath it, and then hopefully help you piece it back together. This next one is
one I see frequently. One of the parents will attach so closely to the children
the other one is starting to feel like a third wheel.
They begin feeling like they're on the outside of this marriage. In other words,
the marriage - the emotional attachment - is no longer with the two partners, but with
one of the kids our all of the kids.This is a way of
avoiding the partner and getting your emotional needs filled through your
children - not healthy. The next one is relationship apathy. As a therapist, I
would much rather see a couple come in very angry at each other than come in
in a state of apathy. If one of you is wanting the marriage fixed and the other
one is apathetic about it, that means they're indifferent - they
don't care. In fact, in marriage therapy it's not anger that kills couples' love -
it's apathy. You cannot make this marriage work unless they start changing
their perspective, their attitude, and their motivation. Talking bad about your
partner or criticizing them and putting them down in front of
others is another warning sign that you guys need help.
When this happens, what's usually going on underneath it is the person who is
criticizing the partner has built up resentment, and
they feel like
they don't listen. They've lost respect. They're disgusted by
their partner, and what ends up ultimately happening is the partner who
is criticized feels unloved and is done with it. This will kill libido. You'll
notice it in your sex life, but more than that you'll notice it in your self
esteem. If you're constantly being criticized or put down or made fun of by
your partner, you will lose love for them. You will lose love for yourself and you
begin feeling much smaller than you are. Lastly, you begin feeling...it's kind of a
superior stance...that your partner is the weak link. In other words, you begin
telling yourself that the reason your marriage is falling or failing is
because of your partner. All your blame, all your unexpected needs, all of the
things that you want, but your partner can't read your mind. Or your partner's
not listening to you. You dump on them and because you blame them you begin
creating a partner in your mind that isn't at all like the person standing
before you. Having said all this, there are times when marriage therapy is not
helpful. One of those times that I'm thinking of is if you lost your sexual
desire and you lost it a long time ago. Your partner isn't really interested
in it and shows no curiosity about you emotionally or physically. They
seem somewhat withdrawn sexually - it would be wiser to go to an individual
therapist because you could have something physically going on that
caused this even 20 years ago. You just gave into it or it could be
something that's happening now. There are treatments for this and once you start
getting treated and you become more sexually interested THEN that
may be the catalyst to get your partner engaged in marriage therapy after that.
The next thing is if you deal with two apathetic people.
Two apathetic people cannot hold anything together - they're barely holding
themselves together. Many things that happened in childhood to us - crisis,
traumas, PTSD - we may have hit a point where we weren't able to
resolve it. Instead of even working on it, we just buried it, buried it, and this
is causing apathy. Abuse is the last of these areas where marriage
therapy is not warranted. Let me be VERY clear. Abuse is a mental illness.
An abuser is mentally ill. You cannot love or fix a mental emotional abuser.
It is impossible. They need medical and psychological help. A better option is
for the abused victim to go to a therapist. Many times, that therapist will
help you help you build an escape plan, will help you carry that out, will help
you care find a place that will help you care for children and get you on the
road to restoring your confidence and your self-esteem. It is a journey, but you
do not belong in marriage therapy ever with a spouse who is abusive to you.
Engaging in marriage or couples counseling does not mean you failed.
In fact, it means you've seen the light. It means, as a couple, you have prioritized
your marriage, and you have given it back the value and motivation to fix what is
unresolved in the marriage. I think this is a fantastic opportunity.
When I see couples coming in, I know one truth - that they both cared enough about
their relationship to invest their time, their money, and a lot of work because
marriage therapy requires work with the couple as well as the therapists.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.