- Heya, playa,
have you ever been rejected by a girl before,
and had a million thoughts race through your mind?
Why couldn't she let me know sooner
so she didn't lead me on?
Why did she have to reject me in such a mean way?
Why did she reject me at all?
Don't worry.
In this video, I'm gonna bring my friend Hayley Quinn,
who's a dating expert, on,
to tell you the truth as to why girls reject guys.
Hayley, take it away.
- Hi, everybody, it is Hayley Quinn.
I'm a dating expert,
and I'm appearing now on The Josh Speaks,
to talk to you about a really interesting topic,
which is how women feel when they reject a guy.
♪ This is The Josh Speaks ♪
♪ You're watching The Josh Speak ♪
- Now, I actually coach and work with
thousands of men and women,
so I get to speak to them both pretty equally
about how they are experiencing this issue,
and what I notice is,
if a man and a woman go on a date,
and it doesn't necessarily go to plan,
and they decide to stop seeing one another,
or maybe more accurately, the woman decides
that she doesn't wanna give the guy a chance,
how the man and the woman speak about this experience
is really different.
The man will often say something like,
oh, I know the moment that I lost it.
I shouldn't have mentioned duh,
I should have been more masculine,
I forgot to kiss her until the last minute.
So the guy is often really a very self-reflective,
they're thinking, what could I do better,
how can I improve?
Now, for women, they often actually don't think this way.
They will say things like,
oh, I just didn't feel that spark,
or I don't think we had that connection,
or I just wasn't really feeling it.
So, whilst women tend to blame the outcome of the date
on kind of the universe,
men, I find, tend to take a lot of that blame themselves,
which means rejection can feel
extremely painful to the guys out there,
so why I wanna give you some insight to what it feels like
for a woman during this process
is to hopefully help you understand
that it's actually not all your fault
and not all to do with you, 'cause guess what?
She has got her own life,
her own reality, her own insecurities,
and that actually has a far greater effect
on how she reacts to you than just your behavior,
unless you're sending her dick pics and stuff like that,
in which case, I think a ghosting episode
is kinda justified.
So, to begin with, let's get into the mindset of a woman
and how she's generally experiencing dating
and what her priorities are.
Women have been told by society
that they are running short on time.
Now, I actually think this is kind of bogus and not true,
and for any women watching,
there are plenty of guys to date,
whether you're 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond, whatever.
However, women often hear messages like
you'd better hurry up or have you met anyone yet,
so they feel a lot of time pressure around dating,
which often, I think, prompts them
to make this fast decision-making process.
So, whilst men, you will often think
she didn't even give me a chance,
for women, she will often be preoccupied with thinking
I don't wanna waste my time,
and I don't wanna waste his time either.
The other thing that's important to women
is often they might have a more romantic view or an idea.
Now, she might be being approached by lots of guys
or have the opportunity, whether it's through online dating
or in real life, to meet loads of men,
so how does she begin to choose,
and what are her expectations about the guy
that's going to go on to be her boyfriend or her lover
or something else?
Well, I would imagine that she thinks
that there's gonna be a spark or a moment
or something obvious, which says to her, hey,
this is a guy that you need to pay more attention to.
Now, we can argue about whether
that's an unrealistic standard.
We can also may look for you, as guys,
to how you communicate in a way
that really appeals to that for her,
but ultimately, if she is dismissing you quite quickly,
these are likely to be the two major drivers,
her being concerned about wasting time,
both hers and yours, and also,
not really feeling that super spark
which is signaling that she should continue.
When women also reject a guy,
they might not even see it straight up as a rejection.
They might be thinking, he's probably kind of
physically attracted to me,
and might like to hook up with me,
but you know what?
I'm not sure I want that, and so, because of that,
I don't really feel so bad about letting this go,
so again, uncertainty about what you could potentially
offer her as a partner,
and if she thinks you're just physically interested in her,
she will probably feel less bad
about letting that relationship go.
She might have also been taught
that being very direct is off-putting.
Now, again, this is a big old argument within feminism,
and I totally hear, for the guys out there,
that you would probably appreciate sometimes
women to be more straight up with you.
However, sometimes, probably nearly ever woman
who's watching this video will have had an experience
where she has tried to be more direct,
and has been met with hostility
or a really aggressive response.
So, because of that, women often don't tell you directly
exactly the reason why
they didn't experience that connection.
They're also likely just to say something light,
like they didn't feel that spark
or they didn't feel that connection,
and to be fair, if they've only been
on a few dates with you, I would argue
they don't actually really need to justify
that decision just yet,
because you haven't formed an established relationship.
So, my message for the guys out there is,
if you're thinking about how a woman feels
when she's rejecting you,
she probably doesn't feel that you necessarily
want the same things as her,
not that all women want relationships, by the way.
She might not feel like you have that spark,
which is signaling that it's the right time to continue.
She might be feeling like
she doesn't wanna waste anyone's time.
She might feel bad
that her feelings for you aren't developing.
She might feel under pressure,
which is causing her to cut the interaction short.
She might also just have some other stuff
going on in her life, in her work, her career,
her friends, her family,
which has absolutely nothing to do with you,
which is making her less receptive to meeting you
at this point in time, and all of this is okay.
She is allowed to think and feel that way,
and how she might choose to communicate that is
it might seem a bit arrogant of her
to just be like, oh, you know,
I just didn't think that we physically, you know,
I didn't feel that kind of spark,
and I didn't kinda like
how you didn't plan the date properly.
I mean, that would be kinda weird, wouldn't it?
For her to say something that clear to you?
So instead, she's likely to just use a generic excuse
to communicate, I'm sorry,
but I don't really feel that connection.
I'm sorry, but I don't feel that spark,
and I think the key here for you, as a guy,
is instead of really taking this
as a super personal rejection,
to refocus on the opportunities to meet women
who are more open to dating you,
to let this situation go,
to not judge her negatively, and you know what?
The best revenge, not that I believe in revenge,
is just about moving on with your life
and meeting new people and finding better experiences.
Anyway, if you wanna hear some more advice
about men and about women and about dating,
head over to hayleyquinn.com,
or check out my YouTube, which is youtube.com/hayleyquinn.
I believe there is gonna be a link below this video.
I also wanna just say little disclaimer here,
that I know I'm talking in terms of men and women.
However, a lot of these ways that you can approach people
can apply more generally to people
with someone who is more the approacher
and the person who is more the approachee
within the interaction.
So, if you wanna see advice that is applicable to
pretty much everyone, no matter what orientation,
what your background is,
head over to youtube.com/hayleyquinn.
- Thank you so much, Hayley, for sharing your advice.
I hope you guys found it helpful and informative,
hearing it from a girl's perspective,
and what I want you guys to do next
is check out Hayley's information down below.
I'm gonna link up to her channel
and other things that she's done that's amazing
and can really help you guys succeed at dating.
Also, check out the information and videos
over there on the side to learn a little bit more
about dating tips for beginners,
how to get started, how to make the right moves,
and how to not keep repeating
the same mistakes over and over.
Thank you again, Hayley, and I'll catch you guys next time.
As always, love and peace.