There's a developmental stage at about 4 to 6 where kids are going to explore the truth if
the child didn't go through a normal developmental sequence at 4 to 6 they may explore it much older
so you may bring home an adolescent who's never had the normal developmental trajectory and they
may explore the boundaries of the truth so a first thing to bear in mind is that exploring
the parameters of what's really true is part of the developmental sequence a second thing to
remember is you need to be thinking about your own example because for example if your child picks
up the phone and says mom it's so and so and you say tell her I'm not home it's going to be really
pretty hard for you to hold your child accountable to a high level of truth a third thing to bear
in mind is the purposes of misbehavior there's always a reason and a purpose there's always a
function for misbehavior for us as well as for our children for a child of any age a misbehavior has
either an a conscious or an unconscious purpose a goal in mind so I have to explore as a caregiver
as a parent does my child believe they have to lie to get this need met or is my child fearful
of my reactivity have I been over reactive in the past so if you bear in mind now that does
not mean we don't address the behavior it simply means that we address it with balance and insight
so those three things and then a final thing is my goal is to teach my child skills for life and
honest communication with trust and integrity is obviously a goal for life so I might say to
a child a young child who's telling you a story sweetie is that real or pretend and they might
be able to recalibrate as we redefine real and pretend I might be able to say something clever
and humorous like really Wow do you want to think about that and try it again um I might even give
a child time to think about it say you know that isn't what I thought I saw happen would you like
to go think about it for a little while and come back to me when you've had a chance to
think about it and tell me what you think really happened so my goal is a balance of structure and
nurture I'm going to address any misbehavior but I want to do it in the context of balance it's
really important as parents look for how to help their children develop long term strategies for
integrity in their relationships with each other with family members and God it's really important
for us to remember that we want to celebrate the good and not have joy in AHA I caught you we're
taught by Scripture by the heart of God that God rejoices and that God's love rejoices in the good
it doesn't rejoice and evil so let your child see your joy in helping them succeed my experience
with children who tell stories and the outright lies is that when they understand I'm here to
help you succeed I'm going to work with you you need to work with me let's work this out together
that a child will come forward to tell the truth and then let me help them solve the problem or the
need that was driving that line the two primary errors that I see with parents when their children
lie is that they ever overreact or they don't react at all and neither one of those is an
appropriate response we need to do a balanced structure nurturer we need to do a balance of
responsiveness and proactively addressing these needs as parents who are teaching our children
patterns for life the issue of lying comes up frequently for parents I know it has for me and
as I began to look at this and the challenge is that lying creates for for me as a dad I
I realized that frankly a lot of it was rooted in my own past I can remember vividly the destruction
that lieing had created in my childhood in my upbringing whether it was the lies that I told the
lies that I was told and so I came into adulthood and into Parenthood more specifically with a lot
of baggage around the issue of lying as we know all kids are going to explore the boundaries of
the truth and truth-telling but for me because of all this history that I brought forward on
the issue of lying I tended to do what a lot of dads and a lot of moms do I overreacted I came
down on lying as if it were the the sin above all sins and while it's not a good thing and we don't
want our kids to lie we also need to make sure we remain connected even as we help teach and train
them in truth telling the other tendency that some parents have is to completely ignore lying to to
excuse it or to justify it or to somehow wish it away and the reality is that we have to deal with
lying when it comes to our kids but the question is how do we deal with that is there a way to deal
with lying so that our kids and us stay connected so that we can train and teach them so that we can
build into them the value of truth-telling that it pleases us it pleases more importantly God
and that it helps keep trust in relationships as opposed to tearing it apart I've discovered that
the answer is yes that we can come about the issue of lying in a way that keeps us connected with our
kids I think it's also important to recognize that sometimes I have a tendency and other parents have
a tendency to want to catch their kids and alive so that they can use that as an example and then
make a big deal of that and teach them at the end of the day I want to celebrate my kids successes I
want even in those situations where they're coming to me and maybe lying is is going to be something
they're going to turn to I want to be able to say to them hey you know what it's really important
you tell me the truth because when you do I can trust you and you can trust me and together we
can solve whatever problem it is that you have or whatever mistake it is that you've made the issue
of lying is a serious one in two challenging one for parents but the issue is not whether we deal
with lying we have to the question is how do we deal with lying and in focusing on dealing
with lying in a way that keeps us connected it keeps us side by side with our kids it helps
them understand where their coach and where their advocate and we can help them solve any problem
you