(scary music and grunting noise)
- That was my zombie impression.
So by far, the most requested video that I get
is to make a video about zombies.
So I figured, since so many of you are concerned
about the impending zombie apocalypse,
that I would make a video
to give you some advice
of how to survive it when it happens.
And these facts are based off of my knowledge
from all the zombie movies that I've seen,
the basic collective knowledge of zombies,
and some light internet research.
And when it does go down,
if you follow these rules,
it should keep you safe for a pretty long time,
if you follow them, so, without further ado,
here are the 10 most important rules,
for surviving the zombie apocalypse.
Rule number one, prepare.
During the first few days
of the zombie apocalypse,
stock up on canned goods, dehydrated foods,
weapons, medicines, clothing, fuel,
and pretty much anything else
your vulture ass can get your hands on.
It's also equally important
to stock this stuff where you're well protected,
because when supplies get low,
it won't just be the zombies
that you're lookin' out for.
Other survivors are going
to be going after your supplies,
like Oprah goes after bacon.
Rule number two, wear running shoes.
Most of your upcoming days
will consist of a lot of running,
so if you don't want to become zombie food,
I suggest you get a durable pair
of running shoes.
Ladies, this means throwing out
all of your high heel shoes.
Believe me, you don't want to become
that stereotypical dumb chick
in every single horror movie,
that trips, and gets munched on by a monster
all because you wanted to wear
a nice pair of stilettos!
Another good option is a good sturdy pair
of steel toed boots,
'cause you never know when you're gonna have to,
foot mash a couple zombie skulls,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Rule number three, avoid fat people.
Now I'm not trying to sound
politically incorrect,
I'm just telling you the facts.
They're just going to slow you down
and get you killed.
Think about it, have you ever seen
a fat person survive a zombie movie?
No, and there's a good reason for that.
A fat person to a zombie is like a,
hippo to a lion, it's easy pickins.
Rule number four, stay somewhere isolated.
The safest three countries
to be during a zombie apocalypse,
in order, are Australia, and Canada
because of their isolated geography,
and the United States
because there's basically no shortage of weapons
to defend yourself with.
And if you really want to add extra safety,
surround yourself with a body of water,
'cause zombies aren't exactly known
to be graceful swimmers.
Rule number five, always carry a weapon.
Remember the only way to kill a zombie
is to destroy the brain.
The best way to do this
is a direct hit to the skull,
so you should carry a weapon on you,
that's both accurate, and light enough
that you could pull it out at any moments notice.
Good examples are a gun, a samurai sword,
or, the classic baseball bat.
Just be careful when you swing that shit
to protect your eyes and any open wounds,
'cause there's bound to be some,
gooey zombie juice that's gonna spray your way,
and you don't want the infection
to reach your bloodstream.
Rule number six, rely on common sense.
It is very important that everybody
rely on their commons sense
during a zombie apocalypse,
for two important reasons.
The first is that, good common sense
will come in handy
by allowing you to make good decisions
which should keep you alive.
The second is that, frankly,
the world is full of too many dumb people,
and we don't want them around
when it's time repopulate the earth,
so, we should just let them die off.
Number seven, stay in a group.
Always stay with a group of people.
Remember, there's strength in numbers.
Don't go off wandering
like it's some Scooby-Doo mystery,
you're trying to stay alive.
No matter how tempting it is,
never split up, and never try to be a hero.
Remember the first guy to die
is always the one that's like,
"I'll be right back."
And also as important,
make sure that you elect a leader
that isn't a little bitch.
You have enough problems
with zombies knocking on your door,
you don't need Johnny Bitch Pants
crying in the corner at the very moment
that you need his leadership.
Rule number eight, carry a toothbrush.
Now I know what you're thinking,
"A toothbrush!
There's freaking zombies knocking on my door.
What do I need a god damn toothbrush fo?"
Well studies have shown
that there's a direct link
between the health of your mouth,
and the health of the rest of your body.
There's no point in fighting off zombies
if your dying from bad hygiene.
Plus, there's the added bonus,
if you don't have weapon with you
when you're getting attacked by a zombie,
you can always shank it in the face
with a nice sharpened tooth brush.
Rule number nine, have a backup for everything.
Backup generators, batteries, ammunition, food,
escape routes, weapons, vehicles,
and even you leader.
When shit goes down, every second counts.
By the time you look for that extra gun clip
a zombie's already knocked down your door
and chosen you as it's bitch, just remember that.
And rule number 10, don't get bitten.
(chomping)
This is the most important rule,
Avoid getting bitten at all costs.
'Cause if you get bitten, it's game over for you.
If you do get bitten,
you basically have two options.
One is off yourself,
and the second is tell your friends.
There's basically no other choice
unless you're okay
with becoming one of the undead.
Besides, I'm sure your friends
will be very gentle with that ax, or chainsaw,
or, sawed off shotgun.
So anyways, I hope this video helps you guys
when the time comes.
Add me to Facebook and Twitter,
the links are in the description,
and other than that, good luck!
You're gonna need it.
(fun, quirky music)
(footsteps)
(grunting noise and crash)
Ow, fu...
Shit.
Oh shit.