- Small talk, it's something that introverts dread.
Does anyone really like it, to be honest?
So here are some tips for introverts
to make small talk less painful,
to get over anxiety, to keep a conversation going,
and to get a little deeper than the surface-level stuff.
First of all, realize the purpose of small talk.
These kind of shallow conversations
with people we don't know well or at all
aren't actually important in terms
of the content of the conversation.
After all, saying something like,
"Nice weather we're having"
isn't imparting any useful information.
Like, yeah, the weather is nice. Cool.
But the real important thing here is the connection.
It's the time spent communicating.
Small talk, even a brief, superficial exchange,
can help the participants feel a general sense
of belonging in the world, which is important.
This feeling of belonging that small talk establishes
also lays the foundation
for a more meaningful connection in the future.
You and the person you're chit-chatting with
are showing each other you
have compatible communication styles,
and that could open the door to other deeper conversations.
Knowing this about small talk is helpful,
because it takes the pressure off you needing
to feel like you need to show up
like some amazing conversationalist.
The content of the conversation is less important
than the simple fact that you're having a conversation.
All right, now, going into a small talk situation,
introverts can get anxious.
I speak from experience.
We might get worried that the conversation
will bomb horribly or that people will judge us.
This anxiety could cause us to stand
in the corner and not speak to anyone,
or it could cause us to choke up
once we're in a conversation.
Yes, it's entirely possible, perhaps probable,
that you are awkward and maybe a little boring.
But guess what?
Most people don't care as much as you think they do.
So much anxiety comes from overly focusing
on ourselves and making the other person
into some kind of judge that rules over us.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Instead of worrying about, "How am I coming across,"
focus on the other person and see what
are they bringing to the table.
One quick, practical tip to avoid small talk anxiety
at a gathering is to just talk
to the first person you see without thinking about it.
If you stop and think about it,
you'll give the anxiety time to develop.
But if you just walk into an event or a party,
whenever we're finally allowed to have those again,
and you say hello to the first person you see,
you just, boom, walk in, right away,
there's no time for you to become a head case.
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Okay, so now, you've said hello and whatever,
and you're in a conversation.
What does an introvert gotta do to sustain the small talk?
Well, a little bit of preparation can go a long way
to make sure you don't run out of things to say
and suffer through a lot of awkward silences.
So, do some research.
Have some conversation topics at the ready,
in your pocket, figuratively,
so that you don't end up struggling
to find something to talk about mid-conversation.
We're really looking for non-controversial topics, you know,
that anyone could talk about.
So, the basics, the weather, the sports, TV shows, food.
Everyone eats. Did you know that?
These are all good topics to start with.
Now, lots of introverts hate small talk
because it seems shallow.
I mean, it is shallow.
And they'd rather talk about something deep.
But remember, right now,
we're just establishing a rapport.
The goal isn't to jump into the deep end
of conversation right away
with someone we don't know very well.
If the weather and so on is too boring for you,
try getting a little bit plugged into the local news.
Sometimes, when I'm driving somewhere
where I know I'll have to engage in some small talk,
I turn on the news radio station on the way over there,
and in the 15 to 20 minutes it takes
to get to my destination,
I will have heard at least one or two interesting stories
that aren't about politics,
or a murder, or something.
You're looking for stories that
can get people to share their opinions
or spark their imaginations a bit
without bringing up something controversial or depressing.
As you're talking, try to find something
about the other person that you're genuinely curious about,
and ask the person questions.
And avoid simple yes or no questions,
using open-ended what and how questions instead.
So instead of asking,
"Did you see the football game on Sunday,"
which they could say yes or no to,
ask, "What did you do on Sunday?"
Or, "How do you think the football team
"will do this season?"
Not only does this keep the conversation going,
but it will make the other person feel good,
because your questions express a genuine interest,
or so it seems.
Likewise, when you are talking,
try to say more than simple one-line responses.
If they ask a yes-no question,
develop your thoughts a bit beyond yes or no,
then throw it back over to the other person for their input.
Okay, okay, now you've been talking a bit.
But as an introvert, you might get fed up
with staying on a shallow level
of conversation indefinitely.
So, once you've established a connection
with some of those more basic topics we mentioned before,
which don't really amount to much more
than a simple exchange of information
or an exchange of opinions,
try to move more into stories.
And not so much in the sense of telling someone a series
of events like a newspaper report,
but going into your inner thought process
and how you felt about stuff as it was happening.
This is much more meaningful than just talking
about surface-level stuff,
because it lets someone a little bit into your mind
without getting into deep philosophical discussions.
Likewise, find ways to encourage others to tell stories.
It could be as simple as saying,
"What's the story behind that"
when someone brings up something,
or asking them questions like,
"How did you decide to do that?"
"What kind of obstacles did you face?"
Or even a simple, "What was that like?"
Stories are the bridge out of small talk
and into deeper conversation.
So you've been chatting, there's been some rapport-building,
maybe a few shared stories, now what?
You need an exit strategy.
You will have far less anxiety
when you go into small talk with the knowledge
that you're in control of ending it.
Getting stuck in a two-hour small talk conversation
is enough to make you never wanna do it ever again.
I think introverts often feel like they have
to wait for the other person to end a conversation.
No, you can end it, it's perfectly acceptable.
Plus, gracefully ending a conversation
makes the other person feel good,
because now, they don't have to have anxiety
about getting stuck in the interaction forever.
Depending on the circumstances,
your exit strategy might be a bit different,
but generally, you want to acknowledge, in some way,
that the conversation is ending,
whether that's saying, "It was great talking to you,
"I'm gonna go check on my friend, see what he's up to,"
or like, "Hey, why don't we go over here
"and see what everyone else is doing?"
Something that isn't just an awkward trail off,
but an acknowledgement that you appreciated the interaction,
so you both leave feeling like it was worthwhile.
Who knows? Maybe it could lead to a beautiful friendship.
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and until next time, stay cool and attractive.
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