- Give it up
for the magnificent
Chris
Turner.
(audience applauds)
- That was a lovely introduction.
Thank you very much,
and do not worry,
I was not expecting me to look like this, either.
(audience laughs) - Hello,
hello,
hello.
I am Chris, I am a freestyle rapper.
We'll just get it started.
Freestyle rap is rap made up on the spot
based entirely on audience suggestions,
so I'm gonna ask everyone here to think of a word,
a topic, or a phrase
that you would like to hear a rap about.
There are three rules I'm gonna give you.
Number one, no food.
Number two, no animals.
They're the most common things our brains think of,
they're way too easy.
Number three, nothing too obvious in general.
Don't say Brexit, don't say Trump, don't say the Queen.
People shout those out all the time, right?
I'll never take the same suggestion twice,
it's not fun, it's not exciting.
The best suggestion ever,
ninth century crop rotation. (audience laughs)
that was the best one I ever got, right?
Aim for that intellectual peak if you wish.
We're gonna take five suggestions.
I will kinda come to you into segments,
so it's fair.
I'll say if you're kind of in this little enclave here,
what would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Woman] Three-year-old temper tantrums.
- Three-year-old temper tantrums,
thank you very much.
Thank you, three-year-old temper tantrums.
Why did you point at the man next to you?
(audience laughs)
"I knew him when he was younger, and yeah,
"wow, a real diva."
So three-year-old tantrums,
I love it.
This segment here,
what would you like a rap about?
- [Man] Say it, Dave.
- What was that?
- [Man] No, I just said "Say it, Dave."
- You just said, you said, "Say it, Dave"?
- [Man] Yes (laughs).
- I mean, we can get a different suggestion
rather than a weird phrase.
- [Man] Houston Astros.
- [Woman] What about Netflix?
- What about Netflix?
Do you have a particular type of genre on Netflix you enjoy?
- [Woman] I do not.
- You do?
- [Woman] No, I do not. - You do not.
Just Netflix in general.
Netflix in general.
Three-year-old temper tantrums.
Middle of the semi-circle that we so beautifully-
- Look back this way. - rendered.
- Oh yeah, what would you like a rap about?
- [Woman] The World Series.
- The World Series - There you go.
- Thank you very much.
You saw a British person and thought, "I'll stump him."
(audience laughs)
Just give me a second
while I try and remember what sport that is relevant to.
(audience laughs) So Netflix,
three-year-old temper tantrums,
the World Series.
This is area, what would you like a rap about?
- [Young Man] Student loans.
- Student loans, my gosh.
I'm not sure if my contract had anything about
not going into that area while we're here at Columbia (University).
But student loans I will take as a suggestion.
Student loans, Netflix,
the World Series, three-year-old temper tantrums.
Final suggestion from you guys over here.
What's it gonna be?
- Circumcision. - Rolling blackouts.
- Wait, whoa, there was a lovely combination there
at the same time.
The simultaneous shouts of circumcision
and rolling blackouts.
(audience laughs)
We can combine those to a more beautiful suggestion
which is the challenge of circumcision
during a rolling blackout.
(audience laughs)
Oh me, oh my.
I'm not entirely sure how this is gonna go.
So...
this, lovely people of the GLS Summit at Columbia University,
a freestyle rap made up entirely on the spot
based entirely on those suggestions,
never to be seen again,
never been rehearsed,
never been written.
And do not worry,
it will not be anywhere near as atrociously embarrassingly
toe-curlingly bad
as you are expecting a privately educated
middle class white boy to be.
(audience laughs)
You seem very unconvinced.
DJ, if we can drop that beat,
let's get this going.
(hip hop music)
Give me a little bit more juice on that as well please.
And a little bit more.
That should be about perfect.
One...one wedge more.
♪ I kick it off here I like to relax ♪
♪ I sit back on my sofa, I got some nice snacks ♪
♪ People say, "Chris, what do you deal in?" ♪
♪ I like to get Netflix and then I start chillin' ♪
♪ But not chillin' in a sexual way ♪
♪ That's a slang term used by the kids today ♪
♪ I mean it in its raw old-fashioned sense ♪
♪ When you would take your pants off and get less tense ♪
♪ And enjoy watching movies ♪
♪ Maybe True Detective ♪
♪ Not on Netflix ♪
♪ I really should check it ♪
♪ That's an HBO property ♪
♪ I watch Great British Bake Off actually ♪
♪ It's amazing, my favorite show I never fear these ♪
♪ I was so joyed when they got the new series ♪
♪ Released it every Wednesday ♪
♪ I was much younger, my friends came to stay ♪
♪ I was like, "Yeah, what show do you wanna watch?" ♪
♪ A little child said, "I wanna play hopscotch." ♪
♪ "Shut up, we're not allowed to go and jump." ♪
♪ Now this three-year-old girl had a temper tantrum. ♪
♪ It was so horrible, the temple was bulging ♪
♪ I was like, "Ah, this problem needs solving." ♪
♪ I went to the kitchen, always keep it handy ♪
♪ I brought out a bowl of Halloween candy ♪
♪ She said, "No, this doesn't satisfy me. ♪
♪ "It's got no peanut butter made by Reese." ♪
♪ She was so angry, it made no sense ♪
♪ I said, "Please, keep up the pretense ♪
♪ "That you're havin' fun ♪
♪ "Otherwise I'll get fired. ♪
♪ "I'm a quittin' babysitter and I won't get hired." ♪
♪ By that; next thing, I'm goin' over there ♪
♪ Washington, if you're from Houston, I'm aware ♪
♪ That you're winnin', ♪
♪ you came back from 2-0 down. ♪
♪ It was amazin', you're the talk of this town. ♪
♪ Let's go Astros, screw the other guys ♪
♪ I don't know what the team's called ♪
♪ To your surprise ♪
♪ Why would a British guy know anything ♪
♪ It's just like cricket with more shouting ♪
♪ Oh he's out! Pitch, ball, strike ♪
♪ The only words about baseball I can spit tonight ♪
♪ Let me move on with mad precision ♪
♪ When there's a blackout, how do you do circumcision? ♪
♪ It doesn't make sense, we ask me, Chris ♪
♪ If there's no electricity to do that bris ♪
♪ You've got to be careful, must take care ♪
♪ Hope that a rabbi is nearly in there ♪
♪ You gotta slice the top off, take off the skin ♪
♪ Take a little torchlight, hold it to the chin ♪
♪ Got to make sure that you really don't slip ♪
♪ No electricity when you do the snip ♪
♪ Would be so bad, you'll need to light a match ♪
♪ And make sure you've got someone behind to catch ♪
♪ Any blood that's spurtin' we made a great error ♪
♪ You suggested this, you're a very rude fella ♪
♪ Why would you put me ♪
♪ In this situation ♪
♪ In the UK, that's the British nation ♪
♪ We don't circumcise much to your surprise ♪
♪ Which means our penises are slightly larger in size ♪
♪ (Laughter obscuring lyrics) ...we feel more pleasure ♪
♪ One last thing, here I'll pull it all together ♪
♪ We did Netflix, rolling blackouts, and the baseball ♪
♪ Little three-year-old having tantrum in the hall ♪
♪ What was the last one that we needed to do, ♪
♪ 'cause I've forgotten ♪
♪ Shout it out again ♪
- [Young Man] Student loans.
♪ Oh, student loans, I forgot about it ♪
♪ Wish the government would never do ♪
♪ They're never gonna quit ♪
♪ Never gonna give you any debt relief ♪
♪ They wanna keep you in their pocket ♪
♪ Or up their sleeve and say ♪
♪ "Pay it back, two hundred thou'" ♪
♪ You're like, "I'm 60 years old ♪
♪ "I still can't afford now." ♪
♪ In the UK we max out at 20 grand ♪
♪ That was 10 years ago, I hope you understand ♪
♪ I've still not paid mine off yet ♪
♪ And I get paid dough ♪
♪ I emigrated from the UK a while ago ♪
♪ So I escaped, it's very clever, never have to refund ♪
♪ But if you're here student debt is not that fun ♪
♪ Look to the students walkin' 'round the quad ♪
♪ They're wearin' shoddy little clothes ♪
♪ Covering their bods ♪
♪ They can't afford things ♪
♪ They're clothes-less and starving ♪
♪ The only thing they can afford to eat is Top Ramen ♪
Yeah.
(audience cheers)
Thank you very much.
That is why I do this.
Not for the applause, you understand,
but for the silence when I say I'm gonna do it
and you all go "This is gonna be a pile of shit."
(audience laughs)