-So happy to have you back. -Oh, it's lovely to be here.
-You said this is your favorite special to do
because you have no fear anymore.
-Uh, yeah. No. It's my favorite tour.
It's my favorite special. Yeah, I have no fear.
No, I did think that.
I thought, you know, you sort of --
You want to be better and you want to be bigger,
but mainly you sort of want to be more honest.
You want to get to that point where...
You know? And I've reached the point where
I've got old people's rights, so I don't care.
-Oh, you have old people's rights. Oh, officially.
-I don't care what I -- I don't if people --
'cause I'm gonna die soon. -Right.
[ Laughter ] -Do you know what I mean?
-Not soon, but, like, you have less to go than you've had.
-Exactly. Yeah, Yeah.
I'm definitely closer to death than birth.
-Yeah. -That's a fact.
-That's a fact. No one would argue that.
-Exactly. So, I don't care, you know.
I've got the ultimate get-out clause.
-You -- And you -- You use this.
-Also, I don't care, as well.
I don't care now if people sort of
"I want to -- I want to fight" or they want to punch me.
I don't care about my face anymore.
Do you know what I mean? -Oh!
-I've got nothing to -- And I don't care if I punch them.
'Cause I don't care if I'm in jail anymore.
'Cause no one's gonna go after me in the shower now.
Do you know what I mean?
-That was your concern about jail.
I was young and gorgeous, but now...
-Right.
-Now, the big, bur-- They go in the shower,
"Go, oh, God. [Bleep] me. Jesus Christ."
So, I'm all right. I'm all right.
-And then they're writing angry letters to the warden.
Like, "Jail isn't what it was promised to be."
-Yeah.
-You do talk about aging a lot in the special.
-Yes.
-And how it's affected your body.
-Yeah. You're talking about one bit in particular.
-Yeah. -Yeah. They are pendulous now.
-Yeah. -They are.
And it was a shock to me. How old you are you?
-I'm 44.
-So, yours are probably nice and pert still.
-I mean, they're good,
but I bet if I saw a picture of them at 34,
I'd be like, "Oh, [bleep]"
-Of course. And mine were --
But I wasn't looking. I wasn't checking.
So, it was a shock to me. -Yeah.
-Do you know what I mean? I didn't see them for 20 years.
But it was like, um, then I went, "Oh, my God!"
Let were just -- I could take down ostriches with mine.
You know what I mean?
Honestly.
-Yeah, and so it caught you off guard.
It wasn't sort of gradual. -No.
-No, I discovered it in the bath.
I talk about this in the show.
'Cause I -- Yeah.
They were floating, and it was a shock to me.
-Yeah. The other thing --
Well, you know, I have a 2 year old.
And then, you know, when you see
what they look like at the start,
that's when you really realize how bad yours have gone.
-Yeah. I don't -- I haven't got a baby.
-Yeah. -And I don't remember mine at 2.
-Yeah.
And you certainly don't want to agree with me,
'cause then I'd be like, "Whose did you see?"
-Hold on, though. Don't they -- They're not even there.
Don't they drop?
-There's enough there to be like, "Mine are a nightmare."
Compared to these. -Yeah.
And now they're just -- -Yeah.
-Like something that you'd see in a butcher's bin.
[ Laughter ]
-You obviously have to go to a doctor.
Is your doctor familiar with you as a celebrity?
-Oh, that's the other thing. How old are you?
You're 42, aren't you? -44. Yeah.
-44. So you don't even have -- don't even to have the finger --
-No. -No.
I've had like five or six years of that.
-Really? -Which is awkward.
-So, it's annual?
-It's -- Yeah, yeah. [ Laughs ]
-Well, I had heard -- -You could say that.
-I had heard 40, and I went to my doctor,
and I was like -- I was braced for it.
And they said, "No, it's not 40. Now it's, like, 50."
-You were keen.
-I was like, "Let's get it over with."
-You were saying, "I'm 50." Come on!
-I lied, and they were like --
They made me take out my driver's license.
They're like, "Come back in ten years!"
-Go away, Mr. Meyers.
-We get this a lot.
-We're not falling for that again.
-No, but, I mean, it's still the finger,
and it's always awkward.
And there's a thing -- I don't know if you have it here.
The doctor say, "Can I give you a rectal...?"
I go, "Yeah, yeah. Just do it," right?
And they say, "Would you like a chaperon?"
In case they're a pervert, you have a --
-Oh! -Like, someone come in.
I go, "No! That'd be worse.
It's bad enough you having your finger up me ass.
Now you got a mate watching. Definitely not."
That's just weird, isn't it?
It's just weird.
And it's still -- And I have a --
Listen, we're all adults, and I'm nervous.
And I make a joke about it to sort of --
'Cause I think it's awkward for him, as well...
-Of course. -...to stick his --
But once, right, it was like --
It was the first time I had it done.
To break the ice, he said --
He said, "Big fan of 'The Office.'"
[ Laughter ]
-I went, "Oh, thank you very much."
[ Laughter ]
-That's great.
-Oh, God. Oh.
Oh, my word.