-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!
That's a crowd right there. [ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome. Thank you for watching.
Well, let's get to some news, guys.
This is big. Apparently President Biden
is seriously considering canceling student-loan debt.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When asked how the country can afford it, Biden said,
"I'm gonna slide into Elon Musk's DMs."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Biden wasn't even thinking about forgiving
student-loan debt until he looked at his poll numbers
with young voters.
"And your debt will be forgiven. Perfect."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden's basically telling every college student,
"I'll take care of your four years
if you take care of mine, you know?"
[ Laughter ]
It's a risky move for Biden. He's about to win over everyone
with student loans, and lose everyone who just paid them off.
Like, "You gotta be kidding me!"
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, today at the White House,
Biden hosted the 2022 Teachers of the Year.
Yeah. Biden honored the Teachers of the Year,
while over in the next room,
they honored the Substitute of the Year
by putting on a movie.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Hold on."
[ Applause continues ]
At the ceremony, Biden awarded the national Teacher of the Year
a glass apple.
The teacher was like, "That's cool, but how about a raise?"
[ Laughter ]
It was a great event for the teachers,
but it was super-awkward after when Biden
ran into them at the grocery store.
[ Laughter ] "Ah!
Can't see you outside of -- You have a husband?"
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- I read that if Elon Musk
backs out of the Twitter deal,
he'll have to pay a $1 billion termination fee.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] Yeah.
A billion-dollar termination fee --
it's pretty much the same deal as leaving Planet Fitness.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news -- Today at CinemaCon in Las Vegas,
13 years after the original "Avatar" hit theaters,
viewers were treated to a first look at James Cameron's sequel
"Avatar: The Way of Water."
Yeah, 13 years.
That's a long time. Now the characters are so old,
they have "the way of water" three times a night.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the characters are so old,
they're now blue because of poor circulation.
That's -- That's what I mean. [ Laughter ]
Speaking of big movies, it was just announced
that Robert Pattinson's gonna return for a sequel
of "The Batman." [ Cheers and applause ]
Yes!
That's right. Eccentric billionaire
who tries to solve the world's problems by himself.
Spoiler alert -- he just buys Twitter.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, this is pretty cool.
Scientists have created genetically modified lettuce,
that can keep astronaut's bones from crumbling
on their trip to Mars. Yeah.
When asked their opinion on it,
here's what several astronauts had to say.
This first astronaut said...
[ Laughter ]
This next astronaut said...
[ Laughter ]
Next astronaut said...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, this last astronaut said...
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cymbal crashes ]
This is kind of a weird story.
In Alabama, after raw chicken parts
were spilled all over the road,
police told people to drive carefully and hold their nose.
Take a look at this.
Ew. [ Audience groans ]
People are like, "What did you think we were gonna do?
Pull over and breathe deeply? I mean, what do you --"
[ Laughter ]
Sadly, now we know what happened
when the chicken crossed the road.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, I saw that a train in Argentina had to be delayed
after a man fell asleep across two seats
and got his head stuck under the metal armrest.
Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ]
Laugh all you want, but that's first class on Spirit Airlines.
Ah, you know. [ Laughter ]
That's the way to go.
Get your head in there.
Hey, I heard about a 13-year-old boy who's about to graduate
from the University of Minnesota
with a bachelor's degree in physics.
Yeah, you can tell he's super smart, 'cause he's graduating
just in time to have his student loans forgiven.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Smart -- Smart kid.
And, finally, it is time to take a look at the stories
making headlines today and weigh the good with the bad.
It's time for "Pros and Cons." Here we go.
-♪ Pros and cons and pros and cons and pros ♪
-Tonight, we'll be taking a look at the pros and cons
of legalizing weed in New Jersey.
That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
As of last week, people in New Jersey
can now buy recreational marijuana,
so let's take a look at the pros and cons
of legalizing weed in New Jersey.
Here we go. Pro -- saying "Fuhgeddaboudit."
[ Laughter ]
Con -- then actually forgetting about it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"What was I supposed to remembabout?"
[ Laughter ]
Pro -- the marijuana bill was tough to pass.
Con -- it was much easier to puff-puff-pass.
There you go. [ Laughter and applause ]
Pro -- people will quickly go from this...
con -- to this...
There you go. [ Cheers and applause ]
Pro -- a short, tan joint in New York is called a blunt.
Con -- a short, tan joint in New Jersey is called a Snooki.
Oh, interesting.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rim shot ]
Pro -- smoking before catching a long flight.
Con -- bringing a whole new meaning to
"taking the red-eye out of Newark."
It's like yeah. [ Applause ]
Pro -- getting stoned in Bayonne.
Con -- then playing hacky sack in Hackensack.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Pro -- people in New Jersey already know
how to roll a joint.
Con -- it's like rolling up a body in a carpet but smaller.
Hey. [ Laughter and applause ]
Whoa.
Pro -- New Jersey may introduce many weed-themed businesses.
Con -- like the new social club the Bada Bong!
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, pro -- less "Ay! Oh!"
Con -- more like, "Hey, whoooa!"
That's the "Pros and Cons," everybody.