Translator: Ellen Maloney Reviewer: Denise RQ
I am going to begin where I think every conversation
about sexual assault in college should begin;
with an exploration of today's concept of masculinity.
When I ask students, "What does it mean to be a real man?"
The responses are almost identical whether they are in seventh grade,
or seniors in high school, or seniors in college.
"Real men are tough, they are athletic, they are strong, they are in control,
they drink beer, and they drive trucks."
Guys who do not live up to that standard are emotional, they are weak,
they care too much about things, they drive Priuses and wear skinny jeans.
Whatever that means.
Then finally when asked,
"What do we call other guys who exhibit those latter characteristics?"
The words that I receive are always:
'gay', 'pussy', 'bitch',
'fag', 'queer', 'vagina'.
Just by asking that simple question of "What does it mean to be a man?",
we already see this distancing, this separation
between us as guys, and "others".
We kind of keep our distance there.
We see them almost as below us
because when you think about the words that I mentioned,
the two worst things that a guy can call another guy
are some variation of 'gay', or a 'woman'.
What does that tell us about how we view those two groups of people?
Asked again, defining that question of "a real man"
shows us the constant pressure
that us as guys are under to be seen as 'manly',
or at least confining to this idea of what it means to be a guy.
If I am a guy, and I wear my deodorant, my "Old Spice" deodorant,
I drink with my friends, I am athletic, I am popular with the ladies,
I am good. I am fine; I am within that concept.
But as soon as I start stepping a little bit outside,
and I am a little emotional or vulnerable,
or do something a little bit different from what is expected,
I am called one of those many words,
"Stop being such a pussy!" then pushed right back into the box.
Guys are under this constant pressure to prove themselves from a very early age,
everything from avoiding any toy that could be seen as girly,
to the cyber-bullying that we see in high-schools
where one guy will display
a false image of himself as controlling and powerful
at the expense of another of his classmates.
Athletes, especially, are inundated with these messages
because being athletic is so central to what it means to be in this box,
and everyone expects
that all those other things around in the "man box"
will accompany being athletic.
The problem is not necessarily, for me, what is in the box;
being a guy is not a bad thing, I love being a guy,
there is nothing inherently wrong with driving a truck,
being athletic is a great characteristic, it is healthy, and so is responsibility.
The pressure we are under to be in here,
to be in this box all the time is the issue for me.
Because when we look at those characteristics of a "real man",
it is impossible to stay within that definition.
If it is impossible to stay within that box all the time,
we are saying it is impossible to live up to that standard that we have set
of what it means to be a guy.
My experience, turning to me,
when I first saw this exercise called "the man box" that I am describing
in Professor Mark Tappan's class here at Colby College,
it was a hugely-freeing experience for me.
I grew up playing soccer, and I ski-raced.
Athletics was, and still is, a huge part of my identity.
In a lot of ways, I fit into this space.
But at the same time, I had massive glasses and a perfect bowl cut
until sophomore year of high school.
I was certainly not your "high school player".
I was really shy, I loved school,
and I often felt more comfortable with my female friends.
But at the same time, my membership on the soccer team
kind of categorized me as being in this box, this space.
I was kind of caught in limbo.
When I saw this "man box" exercise, I said,
"Oh it's OK.
I can be the star athlete, and the nice guy I always want to be."
I can be fiercely competitive, and emotional, sensitive,
all those attributes that I really care about.
Just trying to return back towards college, often we as guys in college,
categorize or justify our membership within this space of masculinity
by how much we can drink, what the stunts we can pull off when we are drunk [are],
and how many girls we can have sex with.
It is such a heteronormatively charged atmosphere.
Think about the morning debrief sessions.
Sunday mornings.
One guy tells a story, sets a standard.
Then as soon as some other friend tells a more absurd story,
or something more noteworthy,
that initial storyteller is put back under the microscope,
and all of a sudden, finds himself on this precipice between being "the man"
and being distanced as "an other".
As a young college student, especially male, it is really easy,
in that type of atmosphere to start thinking, "What is wrong with me?
Everyone else seems to be having sex, and I hear these stories,
why am I not getting some?"
That is the anxiety that I am talking about,
and being male does not necessarily mean a certain set of standards.
There are certainly men who are victims of sexual violence in college.
They can be, and they are.
However, the vast majority of perpetrators of sexual assault are male.
Why is this?
I think if we take the perspective of a college male,
especially if he finds himself within all-male spaces,
like sports teams or fraternities, where the "man box" is so dominant,
it is little bit easier to understand.
First of all, you have that huge amount of anxiety that I mentioned,
about being in the box,
but also that, "What is wrong with me? I am not having sex!"
You have that huge amount of anxiety,
then you have this hierarchy starting between men and women,
where basically, based on those words we mentioned, the two worst things
a guy can call another guy, one of which being a woman,
but also the vast number of media images of women as sexual objects,
whether that is in mainstream film or with porn,
which, in so many ways, is the standard of guy's sexuality and sex.
That is sort of what they think it is.
So you have this hierarchy starting;
then finally, there is this expectation that guys are going to have sex in college
and when that expectation is there,
almost you get this sense of being entitled to have sex.
So when you are not having sex, and you have this sense of entitlement,
and you do not ever have to think about ever being sexually assaulted
because of our male privilege,
that is a really toxic recipe;
that hierarchy, the anxiety, and the entitlement,
that is a really toxic recipe that I think, given a side of alcohol,
could lead to something like sexual violence.
How do we disrupt this?
How do we change this picture of sexual assault in college,
but also the masculine stereotypes and the pressures that we are under?
I think there are various ideas of how to change culture in college,
but I think one key lies in working with male athletes.
Male athletes have a huge amount of social power,
in our society at large,
but also on college campuses.
Often, that power is used in negative ways,
or to get away with negative behaviors.
Often because of the pressures they are under to be seen as "the man".
That is often how they will exhibit those behaviors.
It is only a small percentage of guys and male athletes
who are actively dictating and perpetrating those behaviors,
and enforcing them.
The vast majority of guys are in the middle of a spectrum
between your picture of hegemonic masculinity,
and your guy leading the charge to end violence against women.
Most guys are somewhere in the middle,
but they shift towards the negative side of masculinity,
because of the social power that resides there.
Remember, those type of behaviors will also win you membership
and a sense of belonging within this male space.
That is why I conduct conversations
with male athletes and guys about their gender assumptions
and raising awareness of sexual assault.
I think that if we can talk with guys about those things,
we are going to relieve the huge amount of anxiety that boys feel,
and have that freeing experience I did
but also build empathy within guys
to close that distance between each other,
between the guys and everyone outside.
That is why I do what I do, and I think if we conduct
these peer-to-peer conversations that question those things,
we can amplify the healthy voices within men who are in the middle
but might not be able to share that because of the pressures they are under.
If we can amplify the healthy voices of guys
who would normally shift this direction towards the negative behaviors,
if we can amplify their voices, we can shift that social power
towards the guys who exhibit the compassion, the empathy,
the leadership, and courage that is needed
to expand past this definition of what we see as a guy.
If we can amplify those voices in the middle
who would normally shift this direction because of the social power,
we can isolate the guys on this side of the spectrum,
because all of a sudden, we will shift their power
towards the guys exhibiting all of those great characteristics,
and hopefully then, set the tone of "That is where our masculinity lies",
not in those negative behaviors.
Thinking about sport,
there's inherent leadership accountability and courage within sport
and I think these are hugely key to this effort we are involved in.
Male athletes are certainly not the only ones who can show those traits,
and much of the work that I do
starts from a foundation of years and years of courageous women
doing the same talks that I am doing now.
I am so thankful to those groups beforehand.
However, can you imagine if we could use the transformative power of sport,
that so many athletes identify with and love,
as a way to change how we see our community?
That for me is just so exciting, as a way to make this social change.
Talking openly and emotionally, with men and boys,
about gender pressures, about sexual assaults,
already deviates from what we see as being "manly".
It already deviates from the expectations we have
of guys and male sports teams.
But I expect more.
I expect that if we can conduct these conversations
within those male spaces
that we can free guys
from that emotionally suffocating and anxious cloak of masculinity,
we can raise awareness of sexual assault,
and yes, I think if these conversations become commonplace,
I do think we can prevent sexual assault in college.
Thank you.
(Applause)