- I was at mom's house,
and you came, and I was using.
And I told you to leave so I could finish.
And you left.
- Yeah, I was trying to get sober, so I was like,
not, you know, drinking as far as you knew.
And I went and bought a big bottle of whiskey
the moment after dropping you off.
- And so it's like I just threw my mattress on the floor.
And it was this shift from going out
and partying with my friends,
to really diving into drug use.
- I would be crying on my way to get dope.
Because I didn't wanna live like that any more.
By the time it got as bad as it was,
it was a matter of survival.
- It feels like that period of my life,
just lasted for such a long time.
You know?
- Does it say, I wish I'd never shared?
- Yeah.
- Wish we never shared active addiction.
- Oh okay, yeah.
- Being in treatment myself,
and just knowing that– what you had to go through,
and the demons you had to battle,
and still have to battle.
I know, it's just really hard.
- Because there was a while where you weren't sober,
and I was like not really sure
that you were gonna get sober again.
- Like imagine being a kid,
and you're in a f*cking bathroom,
and you're just so overwhelmed with shame.
And embarrassment,
and you're taking care of a 50 year old.
And everyone in the room is pitying you,
because your parent's drunk at the party.
- It's interesting too,
because I think we were both
at one of our lowest points in our life.
But we reflected to each other stability.
- There are some days where I could say,
no matter what happens to you,
if you were to relapse, if you were to die,
you know, I would be okay.
- And everything in me told me, you know like,
you're not supposed to date people
in your first year of sobriety.
But technically it wasn't my first year,
because I'd already been sober, but I relapsed.
You know, so I was negotiating with myself
around even having feelings for you.
- You know, like to still have you in my life,
you know, I could deal with that,
but, to lose you like entirely,
I don't know that I could say...
I just don't know, you know?
- Yesterday was a bad day for me.
I had a really bad day.
And I came home, and I,
all I really wanted was to come home
and see you two.
And uh
And coming home and seeing that, really...
it keeps me from not losing it.
- My biggest fear,
probably my one reservation,
is still having to bury a child.
- Yeah.
- It's the one fear that I don't think I can get out of.
- When you think about that, is it always me?
Not my sisters?
- It's you first. - Yeah.
- I am so goddamn powerless over anything
that happens in your life.
And I think, people think,
if they don't know addiction,
they think, oh, well, you could've stopped it.
I certainly get judged.
I'm a shitty parent, you know?
I should've stopped it.
I should've known.
Are you worried our child may battle with addictions like we did?
- F*ck yeah.
Hell yeah, it's,
as they say, addiction is genetic.
You know, it's just passed down.
I deal with it every day.
- And I think that you saw the person underneath it,
or else you wouldn't have stuck around
as long as you did. - Yeah.
- But I also understand,
like I understand you, as a whole person.
Like I wouldn't look at that situation and say,
"Oh, I'm disappointed, she f*cked up,"
"she did that intentionally."
- Oh, no.
- Because I understand that it's a disease.
- Well it's also– it goes back to another question
that we had here, something about
your comments about
not expressing my feelings.
- But that, I mean, that's just why I drank,
'cause, for any emotion.
'Cause, I'm you know, historically not the best
at dealing with emotion.
- Of course I had your love,
I had your parents there.
But, at the same time,
I felt like I was
lacking my real family.
- Yeah.
- And a lot of stuff that I buried
with doing drugs,
was that feeling there.
- I loved you, and I wanted to be with you,
but I made it like my mission
to like help you not need drugs.
And that wasn't my place and I realize that now.
Like I realize that you needed to do it for yourself.
- I want an opportunity to demonstrate to
the people around me,
that I'm more than just a heroin addict, you know.
And I know I don't have to earn my Dad's approval
But I just want an opportunity
I don't know, to make up, to make up for years
I spent just constantly absent.
- You don't have to be ashamed.
You don't have to be guilty.
That's just stuff that happened.
And to be able to let that go and move forward.
Like, and I know how hard that is.
It's like an anchor and a weight.
- Yeah.
- But I also, that's like the teeter-totter, again.
I know that once you let that go,
like the whole world opens up,
and it becomes an amazing place,
and I'm afraid that you don't see that yet.
- But I'm scared for your future.
I know what it's like to be an addict.
And I know the road that you're gonna head down.
And you're really young.
And just having to be sober,
in a young person's life, is just not easy.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I don't think you have a clear sense
of how strong you are.
- I think you feel weak sometimes.
Weak to substance abuse,
weak to your anxiety.
Weak to whatever it may be–
Weak to yourself.
For as many times as I feel maybe,
I've been disappointed,
or I've felt like you were weak in some regard,
you've been equally as strong for me.
and I feel like you don't always see that in yourself.
- Mm.
- If I broke my arm the way you broke your arm,
to the point where I couldn't even use it,
then I would just say,
"Well, I'm gonna go take these pills
Because nobody can hold it against me."
For you to stand up and say, "I'm not gonna do it",
is a powerful statement
about your strength and character.
- You really showed me that there's nothing
that can really stop you, if you really want to get sober.
Because one day you just woke up,
and you decided you wanted to get sober,
and then you did.
And then you can, like, you know
get other people on your team to help you be accountable
and then you can work on yourself
You know, and like I said it hasn't been perfect
But you
worked hard at it.
- Even though I wish that didn't happen
I'm grateful for it.
That's, I mean, you are who you are,
as a result of what you went through, right?
- So I would want to like take from you,
you know what I mean?
Because, I know it can be frustrating to be an addict.
But like, it's not like super-crappy, - A little bit
(laughing) - you know what I mean?
- How is it is being a drug addict?
It's frustrating at times.
(laughing)
Other than that, it's okay. - Yeah, yeah.
Other than that it's a cake walk, yeah.