( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, TRUMP HAS GOTTEN SOME
GOOD POLLING NEWS LATELY, WHICH HE TWEETED OUT:
"IN NEW QUINNIPIAC POLL, 66% OF PEOPLE FEEL THE ECONOMY IS
'EXCELLENT OR GOOD.' THAT IS THE HIGHEST NUMBER EVER
RECORDED BY THIS POLL."
"IN FACT, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE HIGHEST NUMBER PERIOD.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT THERE AREN'T ANY HIGHER NUMBERS
THAN THAT.
AND BY "A LOT," I MEAN, LIKE, 66 PEOPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP DIDN'T READ 100% OF
THE POLL, BECAUSE IT ALSO SAYS "49% OF VOTERS SAY FORMER
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA IS MORE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE STATE OF THE
ECONOMY, WHILE ONLY 40% SAY TRUMP IS MORE RESPONSIBLE."
SIR, THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS READ PAST THE FIRST
SENTENCE OF ANYTHING TO GET THE FULL STORY.
"LET'S SEE HERE, 'MOBY DICK.
CALL ME ISHMAEL.' THAT'S A FUNNY NAME FOR A WHALE.
THE END.
HAPPY STORY.
PRETTY FUNNY.
THEY SHOULD CALL THAT-- I TELL YOU, TECH CALL THEY SHOULD CALL
THAT 'ISHMAEL DICK'."
>> Jon: OH!
HEY!
>> Stephen: AND WHEN ASKED TO GRADE TRUMP'S FIRST YEAR, 39% OF
VOTERS GIVE HIM AN "F."
WHAT?
NO!
SHUT UP!
IF YOU GIVE HIM A FAILING GRADE, HE'LL HAVE TO REPEAT THE
PRESIDENCY!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CLEAN THAT UP.
THE POLL ALSO LET PEOPLE FREESTYLE A LITTLE BIT WITH
SOME OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS, AND IN THESE, THE TWO WORDS MOST
COMMONLY OFFERED TO DESCRIBE TRUMP'S FIRST YEAR WERE
"DISASTER" AND "CHAOTIC."
WELL, THOSE ARE THE TWO MOST COMMON WORDS THAT I AM ALLOWED
TO SAY CBS.
IN THESE ANSWERS, OF THE 43 WORDS USED AT LEAST FIVE TIMES,
25 WORDS ARE NEGATIVE, TEN ARE POSITIVE AND EIGHT WORDS ARE
NEUTRAL, SUCH AS "INTERESTING" OR "DIFFERENT."
( LAUGHTER ) "INTERESTING" AND "DIFFERENT"
ARE NOT NEUTRAL.
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU DESCRIBE YOUR COUSIN'S ONE-MAN SHOW YOU
GOT DRAGGED TO.
"WELL, BRIAN, THAT SURE WAS...
INTERESTING.
REALLY DIFFERENT.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT MUCH PUDDING?
WE'LL STEP OUTSIDE WHILE YOU PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON."
ONE THING THAT MIGHT BE DRAGGING DOWN TRUMP'S POLL NUMBERS IS
MICHAEL WOLFF'S EXPLOSIVE TRUMP TELL-ALL, "FIRE AND FURY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEEN HERE GET IT?
SOME PEOPLE GOT IT HERE.
THIS THING'S FLYING OFF THE SHELVES, AND THERE'S NOT EVEN
ANY SEX SCENES!
THANK GOD.
( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE ARE SO EAGER TO GET THEIR
HANDS ON THIS BOOK THAT "SOME PEOPLE ARE BUYING THE WRONG
'FIRE AND FURY,' INSTEAD PICKING UP 'FIRE AND FURY: THE ALLIED
BOMBING OF GERMANY, 1942-1945.'" WELL, IT'S AN EASY MISTAKE TO
MAKE.
ONE BOOK IS ABOUT TAKING DOWN A FASCIST REGIME, AND THE OTHER
IS ABOUT WORLD WAR II.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WORLD WAR II.
IT'S ABOUT II.
THE AUTHOR OF THE WORLD WAR II BOOK IS A CANADIAN HISTORIAN,
WHO WAS DELIGHTED WHEN HE WENT ONLINE AND HIS BOOK HAD LANDED
ON THREE DIFFERENT BESTSELLER LISTS ON AMAZON VIRTUALLY
OVERNIGHT.
GOOD FOR YOU, EH?
CUSTOMERS WHO MISTAKENLY BOUGHT THIS OTHER "FIRE AND FURY" WERE
MAD.
ONE AMAZON REVIEWER SAID, "I DON'T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT
PRESIDENT TRUMP!
I DON'T KNOW WHY THE DEMOCRATS ARE SO HAPPY WITH THIS BOOK AND
MAKE-IN-IG A BIG DEAL OF THIS!"
I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT USER'S REVIEW OF "EAT, PRAY, LOVE,"
"THIS BOOK TASTED TERRIBLE AND IT WAS ALSO VERY BAD AT
MAKE-IN-IG LOVE."
( APPLAUSE ) HOW COME SO MANY PEOPLE ARE
MAKING THIS MISTAKE OVER "FIRE AND FURY?"
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
ANYWAY, I JUST WANT TO LET YOU ALL KNOW THAT I HAVE A NEW BOOK
ON AMAZON CALLED "FRIAR AND FURRIES."
IT'S ABOUT A MONK WHO DEVELOPS AN EROTIC ATTRACTION TO MASCOT
COSTUMES.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LAURIE METCALF IS HERE FROM