- Evelyn has joined the hate crime club, yay.
(applause)
(Evelyn laughs)
Welcome to the club, Evelyn.
It's nice to have you here.
- Join the hate crime club?
- You have been hate crimed on, just like me.
We can relate to each other so well now.
- I don't wanna be part of this club yet but.
- Why, nobody does, nobody does.
But that's the reality of the world, isn't it?
- (laughs) It is the reality of the world now.
Let's explain what happened.
The Friday before the weekend, I went to store
that's like 15 minutes away from my house.
And I decided to walk like a back road
to get to the main road.
I pass a man who's like just standing there.
I just keep walking.
And all of a sudden, I notice how he's walking behind me.
And I keep walking 'cause I felt like he was following me.
And so I crossed the road all of a sudden
and he keeps walking a little bit on the road
but then he also follows me across the road.
He gets closer to me
and now he starts coughing really loudly.
And I was like, is this like, really happening?
'Cause now I'm catching on.
I'm like, is this because I'm Asian?
And so shortly after he did that, he started slurring me.
So he started like saying ching chong
and like all of these Chinese kind of slurs.
But he started singing them, Nigel.
Like, he was singing the slurs
- Like like this?
(Chinese traditional song)
- No, not like that.
- So he had a gong with him as well?
(Chinese traditional song)
- You're the worst.
You are the worst.
- What?
What, you said it was singing it.
Just making mental associations here.
I can't believe you use that. (laughs)
- Why would I not use that?
- That's me.
Stop.
This is traumatic and I'm reliving it.
And I'm telling you, and I tried to tell the audience.
- And I'm here to lighten the mood too.
Just how you get over things, right?
You joke about it.
Have you not had enough people posting this out
crying on Instagram?
You want me to do that with you too?
It's too much recently.
(indistinct) of the hate crime.
Have I been punched in the face?
No.
But I'm crying anyway.
Carry on, carry on.
(laughs)
- I called Nigel right after this
and he was very supportive.
But now, you're being such a dick.
- How am I being such a dick?
You wanna make it funny.
That's what you said to me before we started the podcast.
So I was like, okay, let's make it funny.
And then you're like, why are you making it funny?
- I was just about to make it funny because he sang it.
He sang the slurs to me.
And I think he probably did it
because there were people around.
So he was trying to make it less obvious
that he was slurring me.
But Nigel, he basically serenaded me slurs.
Like, that's the nicest way I've ever been slurred.
Like he was like
♪ Ching, chong, Ching ♪
And then just made a bunch of Asian noises.
And I was like, this is really offensive.
But at the same time, why are you singing it?
- I think he's trying to flirt with you.
(laughs)
- Gross.
- That's how long Evelyn hasn't been flirted with.
When you flirt with her, she thinks it's a hate crime.
(both laughs)
- At the same time,
that is sort of how men in the West flirt with Asian women.
(laughs)
They sexualize us and objectify us as Asian stereotypes.
So, you know, wouldn't put it past him.
- But hey, listen, women out there.
If you wanna flirt with me like that, please it's okay.
I give you the permission. - Stop it.
- To sing the ching chongs at me.
♪ Ching chong, ching chong ♪
- Stop!
- If you also sang it with that melody,
like an old school Chinese song,
I'll be like, oh, oh.
You know your shit, okay.
- I was just gonna say, I was like, that sounds familiar.
- Yeah, see?
Maybe that's what he was doing.
- You're making me relive it.
- If I don't make it relive it, your nightmares will.
So this is how therapies work, right?
We expose you.
You're scared of spiders?
We show you spiders.
That's what we do.
- Exposure therapy. - Exposure therapy, yeah.
- I'll be honest, I haven't been able to sleep properly.
- See, it's why I'm helping.
- So I'm very tired.
♪ Ching chong ♪
(both laugh)
- That's not a lullaby, Nigel.
- So you can make your story funny,
but I can't make your story funny?
What is this hogging off punchlines here?
- I think most people who will listen
to the podcast will agree I don't hog punchlines. (laughs)
I gave you a lot of space.
Even in the midst of retelling
my traumatic hate crime experience.
And so I'm actually kinda scared now because I'm like,
he wants to do something to me
because I'm Asian.
And I'm like, I just don't know what to do
because I'm walking quicker.
I'm not losing this guy.
Is he gonna follow me all the way home to my place?
Or is he gonna catch up with me and do something then?
Like, what's gonna happen?
How could I have defended myself?
Like, because at one point as he was following me,
I was like, I should just turn around and confront this guy.
But then I was like, what if that angers even more?
And also I was like, how could I do it
in a way that would feel threatening to him?
Or like, feel like he should stop.
Should I pretend to know Kung Fu?
Or should I pretend?
- How are you gonna, tell me.
- I don't know.
I was like, how could I pretend to know Kung Fu?
- Improvise a pose?
- Exactly.
Do I have to go karate kid, you know?
Or do I have to the Bruce Lee like squat?
And also, would he be convinced?
Because this is obviously a guy who thinks
that all Asians are responsible for Corona.
So in that case logically,
he would also believe the more established stereotype
that all Asians know martial arts.
But maybe if I exploited to that part
of our stereotype, I could protect myself.
- Not necessarily though.
- But how far would I have to go?
- He could be a recent racist.
So it didn't know the pre-Corona stereotypes.
So you start dancing, and like,
oh, my singing's really good.
Let's do it more.
♪ Ching chong, ching chong ♪
(Evelyn laughs)
She loves it.
She loves my singing.
♪ Ching chong, ching chong ♪
- Now do we think he's a racist,
so now, he's singing ching chong, ching chong.
And I'm standing there, just doing.
- And you're doing your dances.
- Just faux Kung Fu.
- Well as you Kung Fu yourself into a shop.
(Evelyn laughs)
Let's be serious for a second here.
I don't see a solution to this.
There's a lot of Asian hate already to start with.
One, COVID.
And two, there's a lot of sinophobia anyway.
- Yeah. - China's taking over.
China's taking over.
Stop saying that, people.
China don't give a shit.
Okay, that's that.
And then you close down lots of parts of the economy.
It affects people who are lower income,
who are already prone to crime.
Of course, they're gonna take it out on someone.
Right?
What's the solution here?
Guns, that's what.
- Okay. - Guns.
- Why?
- I think you should pass a law.
I am pro gun now, but only for Asian people.
All Asians should be allowed to buy guns.
Just Asians for six months.
That's it.
I'll return it to you when it's done.
Wouldn't it be more than
that they would have an actual excuse to attack you?
Be like, oh, I shot that person
because I was pretty sure he had a gun
and he was staring at me.
- Where would they get their gun?
- They probably already have a gun.
- That's even worse then.
If they have a gun already now,
and there's a lot of hate crime
and you don't have a gun, the fuck, ain't it?
I think it's a foolproof solution.
I don't know why nobody's.
I don't know why the NRA,
like if you want pro-gun people to support you,
reach out to Asian people.
We'll sign up immediately.
- Ah, Nigel.
- We'll have background checks and everything.
We'll have background checks.
Let them listen to all the episodes of my podcast
before they give me a gun.
They'll be, nah, this guy shouldn't have a gun.
- Yeah, you'll definitely not get a gun.
- This guy should not have a gun.
- You'll definitely not get a gun.
I'd get a gun.
They're like, oh,
she's actually very rational, thought through.
- She needs a gun.
How else is she gonna get a date?
She needs (laughs).
- Oh, come on.
- You're going out with me.
You are going out with me.
- Actually, I think this is a better way of doing it.
At the NYPD have organized a task force
to work against Asian hate crimes.
And do you know what they're gonna do?
- What? - Okay.
They're going to deploy undercover Asian agents
into high-risk areas.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- So like, under cover hot Asian cop.
- I think you added hot in there.
I don't think the NYPD cares about hot.
(Evelyn laughs)
- Yes, okay, I added hot.
- You also don't want hot cops.
- Why?
- Because nobody primes a hot person.
Okay, I got hate crimed so that doesn't work.
And I think it's a good solution.
I think that plus Asians are allowed to have guns.
Only Asians are allowed to have guns.
I think that that can work well.
- And we don't need the only Asians allowed to have guns.
We just need the hot cops.
- How about all Asian people who are vulnerable
to hate crimes are allowed to have guns.
I'll give you that. - Okay, okay.
- So your dad and mom can have a gun.
- Yeah, no, that, they would.
They would shoot each other.
- They'll probably misplace in the house
'cause it's so cluttered.
- They would shoot each other.
- Francis, Francis.
Have you seen my gun?
I'm sure I put it here somewhere here, Francis.
- If you looked at under the boxes.
- Okay, I'll try to look under the boxes.
(Evelyn laughs)
- You don't know how accurate that is. (laughs)
If you just replace gun
with my mom's phone.
(both laugh)
Have you seen my phone?
I had my phone.
Where's my phone.
- I was just talking.
I was just using my gun.
I was just polishing it the other day.
- Oh my God.
But I mean, hot Asian undercover cops.
Yes, please.
- Yeah.
Everyone love to be hate crimed now.
Just stand in the middle of the square.
- What I would solicit it.
- Just like carry a sign and say I have COVID.
(Evelyn laughs)
(upbeat music)