SALLY WAS TALKING ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON EARLIER AND JERROD WAS
TALKING ABOUT TRUMP, AND THERE WERE SOME PRIMARIES LAST NIGHT
ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY.
AND YOU WANT TO TALK.
THE ELECTION A LITTLE BIT RIGHT NOW?
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
ON THE DEMOCRATIC SIDE LAST NIGHT, MICHIGAN WAS DEFINITELY
FEELING THE BERN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE BERN WAS NOT JUST FROM
THE WATER IN FLINT.
BERNIE SANDERS STUNNED THE PROGNOSTICATORS BY TAKING
MICHIGAN AFTER TRAILING HILLARY CLINTON BY 21 POINTS.
BUT HILLARY CLINTON TOOK IT GRACIOUSLY.
HERE'S HER OFFICIAL STATEMENT AFTER THE RESULTS CAME IN.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE, DONALD TRUMP
WON THE PRIMARIES IN MICHIGAN, MISSISSIPPI, AND HAWAII, SO NOW
ALOHA MEANS BOTH HELLO AND GOOD-BYE, REPUBLICAN PARTY.
DID Y'ALL CATCH HIS VICTORY SPEECH
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THOUGHT YOU DID.
BECAUSE IT WAS ON EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL.
I THINK EVEN NICK JR. WAS RUNNING IT BECAUSE I SAW SOME
SORT OF ORANGE BLOB ON TV.
SO, HEY-- HEY!
HEY, KIDS!
HI!
HEY!
HI!
HEY!
MEXICANS ARE COMING TO KILL US!
SO HERE'S THE DEAL.
LAST WEEK, MITT ROMNEY CALLED DONALD TRUMP A FRAUD AND A BAD
BUSINESSMAN BECAUSE THINGS LIKE "TRUMP" MAGAZINE, AND TRUMP
WATER, AND TRUMP STEAKS HAD ALL FAILED.
SO LAST NIGHT, AFTER WINNING MITT'S HOME STATE OF MICHIGAN,
TRUMP'S VICTORY SPEECH HAD A LITTLE BIT OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
>> MITT ROMNEY GOT UP AND MADE A SPEECH THE OTHER DAY.
I BROUGHT SOME THINGS UP BECAUSE HE SAID MY WATER COMPANY IS
GONE.
I SAID, "IT IS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT."
I HAVE VERY SUCCESSFUL COMPANIES.
WE SELL WATER, AND WE HAVE WATER, AND IT IS VERY
SUCCESSFUL .
WE HAVE "TRUMP" MAGAZINE.
IT'S CALLED THE "JEWEL OF PALM BEACH."
IT GOES TO ALL OF MY CLUBS. I'VE HAD IT FOR MANY YEARS, AND IT'S
THE MAGAZINE.
YOU HAVE THE WINES AND ALL OF THAT.
VERY PROUD OF THAT.
IT'S AS GOOD WINE AS YOU CAN GET ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
AND WE HAVE TRUMP STEAK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, TRUMP GAVE HIS VICTORY SPEECH
NEXT TO A PYRAMID OF RAW STEAK.
HE WAS EITHER TRYING TO INTRODUCE MITT ROM OR
INTRODUCING HIS NEW RUNNING MATE, TRUMP, PILE OF MAELT,
2016.
GOOD LUCK TELLING THEM APART.
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING AN INFOMERCIAL.
IF HE'S ELECTED, THIS WOULD MAKE TRUMP THE FIRST PRESIDENT WITH A
SICKER, "AS SEEN ON TV."
>> I THINK, I THINK-- IF WE'RE HONEST, I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE.
DONALD IS JUST INSECURE.
I DON'T KNOW IF TRUMP EVEN WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT.
THE GUY JUST NEEDS CONSTANT VALIDATION.
THAT'S CLEAR.
ISN'T THAT ALL ANY OF US WANT, LOVE?
JUST LOVE AND MAYBE STEAK.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF WE JUST GIVE THAT TO HIM,
MAYBE HE'LL GO AWAY.
SO MR. TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MR. TRUMP--
MR. TRUMP-- AND I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING BECAUSE I SAID YOUR
NAME THREE TIMES-- I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT EVERYONE
THINKS YOU'RE COOL.
OKAY, YOU ARE SMART.
YOU ARE GOOD AT COMPANIES AND BUSINESSING.
AND NO DOUBT, YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A POOL NOODLE.
OH, WHAT'S THAT?
I'M GETTING A PHONE CALL.
HELLO?
OH, IT'S EVERYONE WHO MADE FUN OF DONALD TRUMP IN HIGH SCHOOL!
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU WERE SECRETLY JEALOUS OF HIM THE WHOLE TIME?
AND NOW YOU'RE MARRIED TO FAR FEWER WOMEN?
OKAY, I'LL TELL HIM.
GOOD-BYE, REAL CALL.
( LAUGHTER ) BESIDES, DONALD, YOU DON'T NEED
TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT, BECAUSE THERE'S AN EVEN COOLER, MORE
ELITE POSITION OUT THERE, AND WE'VE ALL VOTED THAT YOU ARE IT.
IT'S AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE MAN.
AND TONIGHT, TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL, I'M GIVING YOU THE
"NUMBER ONE MAN" TROPHY.
AND YOU'LL LOVE IT BECAUSE IT'S PACKED WITH MEAT.