-Oh, thank you guys so much. Hi. How are you? Whoo.
[ Audience cheering ]
Yeah, hi, guys. My name is Pete.
This is my face. I look like a dentist.
[ Laughter ]
I have a vibe like, "I'm not just your dentist,
I'm your friend."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, hard-core guy.
I know it's weird that my hands are free, cause I look like
a guy that's holding onto his virginity super tight.
[ Laughter ]
But, oh, no, I smash.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm all about respecting women and smashing.
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes I'm like, "Yeah, do you like that?
Okay, just checking."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
I got mistaken for being, like, a really bad guy the other day.
I was in one of those college campus, like, safe-space
coffee shops. And --
And I burned my mouth on my coffee really bad.
And I go, "Ugh!"
And this girl, she goes, "Excuse me,
but that is toxic masculinity."
[ Light laughter ]
And I was like, "Oh, I'm me. I'll take any masculinity."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you.
Yeah.
I was like, "Thank you so much."
And then she wanted to argue with me. And I was like,
"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm doing a conflict cleanse."
[ Laughter ]
And then she was like "What?" And I was like, "Mindfulness."
[ Laughter ]
I think I'm like the furthest thing from a toxic man.
Look at me. I'm like pure joy in a person.
I look like if CBD oil had a mascot.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Like you're just a few drops away from a smile.
[ Laughter ]
You know what I'm like?
Have you ever been sitting down on your toilet,
and your bathroom door is shut.
And you're like, "I am all alone."
And all of a sudden, your cat's paw slips under the door.
And he's like, "No, you're not.
I want to be in there with you so bad!"
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughter ]
That's like me but with friendship.
[ Laughter ]
Or have you guys ever been in a stadium,
you have your tickets in your hand.
See somebody's sitting in your seat?
Nightmare, right?
Not for this guy. I'm like, "Oh, we can share."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "Shoulders in.
It's a snugglestorm."
[ Laughter ]
Here's a life hack.
If you're everybody at a movie theater,
stadium, just siting on the bus,
you make direct eye contact with your seat mates.
And then you wiggle.
[ Laughter ]
You'll get your own row.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
[ Applause ]
That's actually the best way to avoid conflict in life, right?
All my friends are studying jiu-jitsu, MMA, kickboxing.
You don't got to do all that.
Just make eye contact. Wiggle.
[ Laughter ]
No one will fight you.
[ Laughter ]
I was in a bar the other night. I spilled this man's beer.
He goes, "Hey! You want to take this outside?"
I was like, "Be right there."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I got outside. I was like, "Where is he?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, stranger?
Hooty-hoo.
You want to wiggle together?"
I need to get some clip-on hair extensions
just so I can accentuate my wiggle, you know?
You want to go, bro? [ Blows sharply ]
[ Laughter ]
Except I started losing my hair up here,
so I'd have to clip them onto the crown like a wedding veil.
[ Light laughter ]
Yeah. I didn't know that I was going bald,
but I was sitting at my kitchen table with my girlfriend,
who's real.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, that laughter was hurtful.
[ Laughter ]
But we were sitting there,
and I leaned under our kitchen table lamp.
And it shined on my bald spot.
And my bald spot was like --
♪ Ah ♪
And my girlfriend noticed, because she has eyes.
[ Laughter ]
And my girlfriend is one of the kindest people
that I've ever met in my life.
But here's how she decided to tell me.
She reached over and touched the skin of my bald spot.
And then she looked me in the eyes, and she goes, "Oh, no.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, oh, oh, no.
Oh, no."
And I was like, "Never make that noise again!"
[ Laughter ]
Then she goes, "But, babe, if I had something wrong with me,
I would want you to tell me."
Yeah, every part of my soul was like, "It's a trap."
[ Laughter ]
No woman wants you to notice her flaws
and then communicate with her about them.
No. Blinders on. Snitches get stitches.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you, yeah.
[ Applause ]
No woman would want the man that loves her
to be like, "Oh, mustache.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, oh, oh."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"That's a sombrero for your mustache."
[ Laughter ]
If you did that, you'd be dead by sundown.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you very much. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-[ Laughs ]
I thought that was really funny.
Pete Lee, everybody!
Download "The Snugglestorm" now at Apple Podcasts.