>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN MAKING HER NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME AMBRIA ALLEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HELLO!
HI!
HOW ARE YA?!
( CHEERING ) I'M ACTUALLY IN A Ph.D.
PROGRAM RIGHT NOW AND I TEACH AT U.C.L.A.
AND, THANK YOU!
AND WHAT'S FUNNY IS THAT, WHEN MEN LEARN THAT, THEY ALWAYS TRY
TO HIT ON ME BY ASKING WHERE THEY CAN SIGN UP TO TAKE MY
CLASSES.
HERE'S THE THING -- YOU SIGN UP FOR KARATE, GROUPON.
THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "ENROLL."
( LAUGHTER ) AND BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE, THERE'S NO SEAT FOR YOU.
IN MY CLASS.
SO STOP TALKING TO ME.
( LAUGHTER ) EARLIER TODAY, MY NEPHEW TWEETED
WHO BOOTY IS IT?
NOW, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THIS MEANT
ABOUT HIS SEXUAL ACTIVITY, BUT AS A PROFESSOR, I WAS MORE
IRRITATED HE DIDN'T WRITE WHOSE BOOTY IS IT.
YOU KNOW, IF WE'RE GOING TO BE INAPPROPRIATE, LET'S BE
APPROPRIATELY INAPPROPRIATE.
I THINK MY HUSBAND HATES THAT I DO STANDUP.
HE'LL NEVER SAY IT BUT I CAN SEE HIS DISAPPOINTMENT.
THE INTELLECTUAL, THE FUTURE SCHOLOR IS WHAT HE SIGNED UP
FOR.
HE'S AN NATOSHIA.
YOU KNOW, WE HAD POTENTIAL, WE COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING.
SO I KNOW EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE TO DO STANDUP, HE'S
THINKING, SHE'S DESTROYING THE BRAND.
SHE'S KILLING IT.
MARRIAGE IS -- INTERESTING.
I NEVER KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, HOW DO YOU LIKE MARRIAGE?
IT'S, LIKE, OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I TYPICALLY RESPOND BY USING CONTRADICTORY WHITE GIRL
STATEMENTS.
DO YOU LIKE BEING MARRIED?
I'M LIKE, NO, YEAH.
YOU SURE?
YEAH, NO.
ARE YOU GOING TO STAY MARRIED?
WELL, FOR SURE NOT.
I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH.
MY YOUNGER COUSIN REALLY WANTS TO BE MARRIED BUT SHE'S GOING
ABOUT IT THE WRONG WAY.
SHE KEEPS POSTING PICTURES OF THE MOST MEDIOCRE MEALS I'VE
EVER SEEN ON INSTAGRAM.
SHE'LL CUT UP BANANAS AND PUT THEM IN A BOWL AND SAY, DEAR
FUTURE HUSBAND!
HE'S NOT COMING.
THESE RICE-A-RONI INSPIRED DISHES ARE NOT WHAT MAKES YOU
WIFEY MATERIAL.
WIFEY MATERIAL IS WASHING YOUR HUSBAND'S UNDERWEAR AND STILL
MANAGING TO BE ATTRACTED TO HIM AFTER THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERY DAY I KISS MY HUSBAND
KNOWING WHAT I'VE SEEN!
AND I HATE MYSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) WIFEY MATERIAL IS WHEN I
PRETENDED TO BE EXCITED WHEN MY HUSBAND FOUND HIS HOME COMING
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TAPE AND I HAD TO SIT THERE WITH HIM AND
WATCH IT AND BE SUPPORTIVE.
HOW COME YOUR COMMENTARY ON THE TAPE NEVER QUITE MATCHES YOUR
PERFORMANCE IN THAT TAPE?
OH, MY GOD, HE'S TRASH.
BUT I CAN'T SAY THAT.
SO I'M, LIKE, OH, MY GOD, BABE, YOU'RE SO GOOD!
YEAH, YOU'RE SO GOOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T GET RECRUITED.
AND THEN LISTEN TO HIS EXCUSES.
OH, YEAH, THE SCOUTS SCOUTS WERE ME, JUST MY KNEE INJURE SET ME
BACK.
THAT'S WHAT SET YOU BACK, NOT ALL THE DROPPED PASSES AND THE
MISSED INTERCEPTIONS, THE FACT YOU'RE NOT GOOD, THAT'S NOT WHAT
KEPT YOU OUT OF THE LEAGUE?
TRYING TO ALSO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY STEP
SISTERS RIGHT NOW.
OH, IT'S DIFFICULT.
I FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW, WHEN MY PARENTS DIVORCED WHEN I WAS
YOUNGER, MY DAD REMARRIED A WOMAN WHO HAD THREE DAUGHTERS,
AND THE RELATIONSHIP WOULD GO A LOT BETTER IF THEY WEREN'T
ALWAYS TRYING TO OUTDAUGHTER ME WITH MY DAD.
I'M, LIKE, CHILL.
LIKE, ON HIS BIRTHDAY, THEY WERE ALL OVER HIS Facebook PAGE AND
THEY POSTED ALL THESE, LIKE, SONGS AND, LIKE, PICTURES AND,
LIKE, OH, MY GOD, NUMBER ONE DAD!
SO I JUST POSTED MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU GUYS.
>> STEPHEN: AMBRIA ALLEN, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.