Hello and welcome! My name is Heather, I'm a Registered Professional Counsellor
and this is Sushi who's gonna be in and out throughout this video, I'm assuming, and today
I'm gonna be talking about the important strategy that you can implement in your relationship that
is actually seen in How I Met Your Mother from Lily and Marshall's relationship. The method I'm
talking about specifically is the Pause/Unpause method.
"Unpause?"
"Unpause"
"Let's pause. See, Marshall and Lily had a rule that at any point during a fight they could pause and take a break."
I'm going to be talking about how they use this method in their conflict and also
tips to improve on it so you can use it in your relationship as well, so let's get
into it. Let's get one thing clear: conflicts in relationships are inevitable, but there are
some strategies that you can put in place to make sure that those fights or disagreements
are actually functional and productive. So let's look at some examples of how Lily and
Marshall use the Pause/Unpause method.
"Maybe we just shouldn't get married at all."
"Maybe not."
"Pause."
"So are you just like starving?"
"Totally."
"You cannot be out there buying all these Brazilian bikini waxes and Karmasutra body oils and edible - pause."
"Pause?"
"Pause."
So it looks like they have an agreement around the pause/unpause method before any arguments started.
So I would definitely recommend doing this and having this conversation with your partner before
there's any serious conflict. Having multiple conversations with your partner about what this
pause function means and what it doesn't mean. So it doesn't mean that you're ignoring your partner,
it doesn't mean that you're trying to stonewall them, it doesn't mean that you're trying to punish
them or reject them. It's just a way for the both of you to take some time, to take a break,
to reevaluate what it is that you're wanting to say in a calm, clean, functional manner and then
re-intervene and talk about this at a later time when you're both in a better place. You'll also
have the likelihood of being able to recognize and see the role that you played in the conflict
while also giving you some understanding of where your partner might be coming from. This will also
allow you time to rehearse or practice what it is you want to say to your partner and how you want
to show up in that conversation. So rehearsing and being able to use "I" statements around how
you're feeling and what it is you'd like to see that's geared towards problem solving. What are
your thoughts around the Pause/Unpause method? Are you going to use it in your relationship?
Let me know in the comments below. Lily and Marshall also did a really good job recognizing
when the argument was no longer productive.
"Baby I cannot put up with your shoes being all over the house."
"Why not? I put up with your terrible mother!"
"Pause."
So this is really great to
see because they're able to recognize when they're emotionally flooded or when they're triggered and
they don't want that sense of escalation. Flooding is when you're physiologically and psychologically
overwhelmed during conflict, making it almost virtually impossible to be able to focus on a
constructive conversation geared towards problem solving. So typical signs of flooding include:
increased heart rate, or shortness of breath, or a tenseness in our bodies. Now typically, when we
get to this point in the conversation, we tend to see things that might not be helpful.
"We're going to Italy!"
"But I could be a judge! We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby!"
"Pause"
Or bringing up things that are irrelevant into the conversation, so maybe things that we were upset
about before or things that don't really pertain to the actual fight or disagreement that's going
on right now.
"And soon more fights spin off. Until there
are more fights going on than you can even keep track of."
And usually during these times in the
fight when we are emotionally flooded we also try to trigger our partners.
"I'm not scared of your shining impression, I just don't need to hear it."
"Danny's not here, Mrs. Terence."
"Please don't do that."
We know exactly what it is that is going to upset them,
we know exactly what it is that's going to hurt them,
and so we're more likely to say things, that again,
is going to be harmful in the relationship because we are in the state where we're
just not thinking clearly and we're essentially just trying to win the argument. Hello... okay.
And then, when we say things that trigger our partners, they're more likely to become
emotionally flooded, as well. And again, that's kind of how things spiral out of control, that's
how the fights escalate, and people just get hurt.
"Boy, that escalated quickly.
I mean that really got out of hand fast."
There also seems to be an agreement around how they're gonna spend their
time when they are in pause mode, so they're still going to do couplely things. They're still going
to go out to eat and they're going to spend some time together. Essentially, they're just going to
pretend that they're not in a fight at all.
"God I love butter sauce. There's nothing bad about it.
Say something bad about butter sauce, I dare you."
But I also think it's important to spend that time alone so you have time to
emotionally regulate to self-soothe and to also really reflect on
your role and what it is you want to do to resolve it and also think about how you want to approach
the conversation again when you pause. Some activities that might be helpful if you do spend
some time alone is journaling, going for a walk taking, a shower, doing the dishes, or watching
a show. It's a combination of activities that allow you to emotionally regulate, to reflect,
and also allow you that time and space to kind of just take a break from it and to not even think
about it at all. It's really going to depend on you and your partner and it's going to take some
time for you to figure out what really works for you and what activities best help you be able to
get to that place where you can communicate and revisit this conversation with your partner. They
also have a mutual agreement as to when they're going to unpause and resume the conversation.
"Unpause?"
"Unpause."
It's not so much that they're pausing and then they're never going to revisit the topic
again and brush it under the rug because that's not going to fix anything. That's a terrible thing
to do in a relationship. If you try to ignore it, it'll just keep coming up over and over again
later on so it's definitely important to try to resolve the conflict to the best of your ability
and studies have shown that couples typically do fight about the same things over and over again,
but the important thing is how do you come back together as a couple.
"I'll wash my dishes right away from now until the day I die."
"I don't care when you wash the dishes, but if it's something cheese-based like a nice ziti, at least soak it okay?"
"Of course, baby."
The other thing with Lily and Marshall is that they don't always use
the Pause/Unpause method. There were a couple of
fights throughout the seasons where they just kept going with the fight.
"You're saying that you shouldn't have to wash dishes because you work harder than me?"
"Okay, that's not what I'm saying, but it's true."
Which I think is probably a very accurate representation of a lot of couples out there
and we just kind of let our emotions get the better of us or we're just weren't in
that right headspace to really implement those strategies. It's going to take some time,
practice, and ongoing conversations between you and your partner to make sure that this strategy
works for you. So the last thing that I would recommend when it comes to using the Pause/Unpause
method that we don't really see from Lily and Marshall, I mean it's kind of inconsistent,
is the way that they approach when they unpause.
"Unpause?"
"Unpause. A painting fellowship?"
"I was never gonna take it!"
"How could you take that job without telling me?"
"Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away."
It's almost as if they picked up where
they left off and they just started fighting again and that's definitely not the purpose
of the Pause/Unpause method. Well, I guess, it could be, if that's really what you want,
but it could definitely be a lot more beneficial and productive and functional when it comes to
coming back after a disagreement. Again, it's not about wanting to win the argument,
it's not about wanting to prove the other person wrong.
"We're going to Italy!"
"But it's my dream..."
"We are going to Italy!"
"Baby, can you just..."
"We are going to Italy!"
So one of the things that I would recommend is just making sure that when you do unpause with your
partner that the both of you are in a much calmer state and you have the attitude of wanting to find
a resolution so you can reconnect as a couple.
"Sometimes you just have to set your ego aside."
"And remember that the love that you have for that other person is way more important than winning."
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Feel free to check out my other videos and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.
Until then, be kind and love yourself.