Our goal is to have kids who know how to make wise decisions, even better if they
learn how to make wise decisions now and carry that skill far into adulthood. The
problem is that the best way to learn how to make decisions is through life
experiences, by making mistakes, by recovering. It also takes time to have a
series of life experiences until you get wiser and wiser and wiser. So we want to
rush the process a bit, so what do we tend to do as adults? We tend to tell
them what to do and we tend to do that through a lecture. Problem is that
backfires. What I want to do is offer you a communication strategy that isn't
gonna backfire. Why? because it's gonna help kids learn to own their own
solutions, to be able to make their own decisions and when they do, there's
nothing to rebel against because it's their ideas. To understand how this model
works, you have to really begin by understanding how kids think. So
first let's be a child. I'm five years old. How do I think? I am an egocentric
thinker, meaning the world revolves around me. Second, I can't think about the
future. I'm completely living in the present if
I hand my five-year-old dollar 25 and say, "go get yourself a giant candy bar,
but I strongly suggest investment," that kids getting the candy. Why? Cause it's here
and now, and how do I view people? I view people by what they do for me: "hey is
that cookie for me?" This is called concrete thinking. Why concrete? Because
it's like a rock. You don't see beyond it. It is exactly what it looks like. You
break it in half, it's two rocks. The problem with concrete thinking is that
it can set you up for danger because you're not planning into the future and
you're not understanding the complexity of human beings. So what do we do to
protect our children? We watch them very closely. Now I'm walking through
adolescence. Where you should be watching me closer than ever, but you're probably not.
Here I am as an adult. How do I think as an adult? I can think into the future.
I can understand how smoking cigarettes now is going to affect my health later
and I also understand human complexity. Suppose someone comes up to me and
they're incredibly flattering they're incredibly generous and then they try to
manipulate me or take advantage of me. I understand why they were flattering and
why they were generous and that is highly protective for me. That is called
abstract thought. Here's what you need to know about abstract thought: number one,
not everybody gets there, all right. About 10% of people, somewhat related to
intelligence, never get there. Number two, all people in times of crisis go
backwards and can only think concretely, all people. And when you yell at your
child or make them ashamed of something, it puts them in crisis. So even the
brightest kid suddenly can't think their self out of a paper box when
they know that you're really angry or disappointed in them. Number three, it's a
developmental process. So the child begins by thinking concretely, then some
hormones begin to go through their body, their brain changes, and they're able to
absorb information differently. So they can begin to have the capacity to think
abstractly. What else happens during adolescence? It's not just your brain in
your body changing, it's also your having life experiences. So imagine that 14-year
old girl and a guy comes up to me and says, "I love you," right. That girl doesn't
go, "I question the truthfulness of that statement." She says, "oh I love you too,"
and then he hurts her and she doesn't fall for that line again, and she moves a
small step of the way towards the journey of having abstract thought and
understanding that people can be flattering but manipulative. So there's no
better way to learn, right. If we were learning theorists, we would say get out
of the way let kids make lots of mistake, but we're not. We're mommies and
daddies and I'm a doctor and my job is to protect kids. Our job is to protect
our kids. So what do we do? We know the complexity of human nature, we know that
what we do can affect the future, so we share it with our kids very quickly.
And here's what a lecture sounds like: "don't you know that what you're doing
right now which I'm gonna call behavior A could easily lead to consequence B. I
never imagined my little girl in consequence B, but now I wonder what's
between years besides cobwebs. If consequence B happens, you're more
than likely to go on a consequence C which is a slippery slope to consequence
D. You never would have even considered consequence D, young lady, if you didn't
begin hanging out with Peter whose own mother doesn't like him!
If consequence D happens, you're more than likely to go on to consequence E
which is a slippery slope to consequence F. Look at me young lady when I'm talking
to you cause this isn't for my own good. If consequence F happens you're more than
likely to go on a consequence G, which more than often leads to consequence H
which could, God forbid, lead to consequence I and do you know what
happens if consequence I happens? You die is what happens," and what does she
hear? Womp-womp-womp… die! She gets all of your condescension, all of your anger. She
feels powerless but she didn't understand your message at all. Why? let's
look at the mathematical structure of the lecture. A goes to B which goes to C,
there are all sorts of mysterious intervening variables that will lead to
the ultimate outcome. That's algebra. When do we teach kids algebra? Our brightest
kids get it in eighth grade. Many kids don't get it til ninth 10th or 11th grade.
Why? because it is abstract math. The brain cannot think abstractly until a
certain point in development and even if you're there but you're frustrated or
angry or scared or running from the tiger, you can't think abstractly. So when
we speak to kids with an algebraic structure to our communication style,
they understand our anger, they understand our condescension, but they
don't understand a word that we say. They feel powerless. They want to rebel to
prove us wrong. There's a better way. It's about changing the mathematical
structure of how you talk. It's as simple as beginning to talk to a kid using
third-grade math, but not condescending, not in a way that sounds like you're
talking down, but in a way that honors their intelligence. The other thing is
we've got to back and understand that we have to approach
this with radical calmness. So when you want your child to learn a lesson, you
don't do it when you're angry or disappointed, because you're gonna make
them run from the tiger, because you're running yourself. So you give yourself a
timeout and then you approach it when you're radically calm. And how are you gonna
talk now? Third grade math. One plus one equals two. And when there are two and
only when there are two, do you add another one. And when there are three and
only when there are three, do you add another four to make them understand
seven. So what does this look like? "Darling, I understand that you're doing
behavior A, but I want you to understand why I'm worried about it. Sometimes that
can lead to consequence B and I hate the idea of that happening you. What do you
have in mind to make sure that B doesn't happen, to make sure you're protecting
yourself? And now what do you do? You listen. You draw out. You facilitate. You
congratulate. If they haven't come up with an idea, you say, "hey, I have one too.
May I make a suggestion?" And when they're at B and only when they're at B, do you take
them to C. And when they're at C and only one they're at C, do you take them to
D. That might be a minute later. It might be the next car ride or it might be the
next week. So even though it'll be frustrating you to be moving slower, what
you're doing is you're giving your kid power to figure things out, to make their
own decisions and to own the solutions. And when they do, they have no one to
rebel against, because they own the solutions and you have trusted that your
child is ultimately the expert in his or her own life.
The secret to rebellion prevention is wisely guiding our kids to take control
of their own decisions.