-Thank you so much for tuning in and watching our show.
My name is Jimmy Fallon. That is The Roots right there.
This is The Roots.
I saw your face light up when you heard Higgins say
"Buju Banton."
-Yeah. Yeah. -Very excited about that.
Alright, let's get to the news and jokes right now.
Guys, the Democratic National Convention continued tonight,
but everyone's still talking about Michelle Obama's speech.
She really brought the heat, especially when she used
President Trump's own words against him.
Watch this.
-Donald Trump is the wrong president for our country.
He has had more than enough time to prove that he can do the job,
but he is clearly in over his head.
He cannot meet this moment.
He simply cannot be who we need him to be for us.
It is what it is.
-Ooh!
At that point, Trump squeezed his Diet Coke hand so hard,
it turned into a diamond.
I'm serious.
Right after that, a doctor took Trump's blood pressure,
and the cuff exploded.
I always get scared of those machines at CVS,
'cause I don't necessarily trust that they know
what they're doing, the robots.
-Wait. You take that test? -Yeah, I'm bored. I'm waiting.
What am I supposed to do? I got to --
-You know, like, they sell --
You can just get your own machine.
-I don't want to have more stuff.
I don't need more stuff.
CVS has a giant one with the arm sleeve.
And it's like, I'm the guy in the mall
that gets, you know, massaged in the chair.
-While they shop. -That's me, yeah.
-Yeah, stick your arm in -- Aah!
-No, I just -- It kept going. And it was like...
[ Imitates whooshing ]
And then you're like, "This could be broke."
And then -- I mean, should my face be turning red?
Like, how tight does this cuff...
How, like, accurate is my blood pressure?
It's like, "No, it's 8,624. That sounds like a good number."
We don't have footage of the moment Trump
heard Michelle Obama say, "It is what it is,"
but I imagine it resembled something like this.
♪♪ -Nooooo!
-Yeah, that's right -- everyone is saying
the former First Lady stole the night.
I'm actually worried the speech might have backfired for Biden,
because right after, everyone with a ballot
wrote in "Michelle Obama."
Well, this morning, while at an event for
the 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment,
Trump was asked about Michelle Obama's speech,
and here's what he had to say.
Listen to this.
Oh, yeah. That's a good comeback.
Trump said, "She was -- You're in over your head."
That was her insult against you. You can't use her insult.
Every third grader who can't go back to school
knows you can't do that.
Oh, and did you hear about this?
At the same event for the 19th Amendment,
Trump decided to make a surprise announcement.
Check it out.
-Later today, I will be signing
a full and complete pardon for Susan B. Anthony.
-Yeah. There's -- -Wait, what?
-There's no bigger champion for women than the man
who spent his morning rage-tweeting
about Michelle Obama.
Trump pardoned Susan B. Anthony, who died in 1906.
He was like, "Sadly, she died in 1906
from the Spanish flu of 1917,
right at the end of World War II,
which, of course, was in 1969."
Yep, Trump pardoned Susan B. Anthony.
Then he complained that she didn't thank him.
But back to the convention.
Last night, Bernie Sanders also spoke,
and this moment went pretty viral.
Watch this.
-Nero fiddled while Rome burned.
Trump golfs.
-Yeah. Bernie was like, "Trust me about Rome.
I was there."
Also, look at all that wood he's got.
Man, when they told Bernie to log on to the event,
he took it literally.
[ As Sanders ] I have 800 logs ready.
[ Normal voice ] Actually, that wasn't firewood.
It turns out Bernie makes his own teeth.
No, come on. Hey. That's not true.
Well, after a big opening night, the Democrats
were back at it again today.
Check it out.
-It's Day 2 of the Democratic National Convention.
Here are some of the voices you'll hear tonight --
former president Bill Clinton,
Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,
and Dr. Jill Biden.
-Yeah, former president Bill Clinton spoke tonight.
And this was fun.
During the speech, you could see Hillary in the background
throwing uppercuts at frozen slabs of meat.
There was a scary moment midway through tonight's program,
when they realized they forgot to pick up John Kasich
from the middle of that old country road he was standing on.
"Someone send help!"
But this is interesting -- former president Jimmy Carter
also spoke tonight.
That's how old Joe Biden is.
They brought in Jimmy Carter to rally the youth vote.
Meanwhile, the Republicans are busy planning
their convention for next week.
And everyone is wondering who Trump will invite
to compete against all those popular Democratic speakers.
-As for the Republican National Convention next week,
a St. Louis couple accused of pointing guns at protesters
outside their home will be speaking at the event.
That's from an aide familiar with the plans.
-Seriously? He invited them?
Democrats are featuring first responders, virus victims,
anti-racism activists, while Trump was like,
"Who went viral for something dumb?
Is Jake Paul available?"
But the RNC has some other big plans for the event.
Check this out.
-The Republican National Committee
has filed a permit for fireworks at the Washington Monument
to celebrate Trump's expected renomination acceptance speech.
-Trump settled on fireworks at the Washington Monument
after they told him it was impossible
to have lasers shoot out of the eyes on Mount Rushmore.
[ As Trump ] How impossible?
Really impossible?
Just double-checking.
[ Normal voice ] But if they can't get the fireworks permit,
Trump's going to have the couple from St. Louis
fire a few rounds into the sky.
Well, guys, earlier today, Louis DeJoy,
the postmaster general of the USPS,
made a pretty big announcement.
Listen to this.
-Facing immense bipartisan pressure and public outcry,
DeJoy announced he will delay many of his
controversial changes to the USPS until after the election.
-Man, Trump almost got away with it.
The only time he slipped up was
when he revealed his entire plan on national TV.
Other than that, flawless.
Check this out.
I saw that a company in Japan has figured out a way
to make a haunted house while maintaining
social distancing.
Check this out.
-A haunted-house company in Japan will soon offer
a drive-in haunted house to keep the scares going.
The owner said he got the idea
from drive-in movie theaters.
-Yeah, that's smart -- jump-scaring people
while they have their foot on the gas.
It's the only haunted house
that's scarier for the performers.
It's like...
And, finally, listen to this.
The other day, a glitch at a chocolate factory in Switzerland
caused an entire town to be dusted in cocoa.
America's in the throes of a pandemic,
racial upheaval, and a recession.
Meanwhile, Europe is like, "Oh, no.
Ze town is covered in chocolate."