WELCOME -- WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ONE AND ALL.
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- TONIGHT IN WASHINGTON, D.C., THE CITY IS ON HIGH ALERT.
THE NATIONAL GUARD HAS BEEN CALLED OUT, BARRICADES HAVE BEEN
REINSTALLED IN FRONT OF THE CAPITOL, LIBERTY IS GIRDING HER
LOINS, AND THEY POPPED A CONDOM ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
EVERYONE'S WORRIED BECAUSE UP TO 700 PEOPLE ARE EXPECTED TO
ATTEND SATURDAY'S JUSTICE FOR J-6 RALLY IN SUPPORT OF THOSE
WHO RIOTED AT THE US CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6TH.
YEAH.
( BOOING ) YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE WITH
THAT.
YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO
THROUGH THIS AGAIN?
>> AUDIENCE: NO!
>> Stephen: IT REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS QUOTE
"THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY WILL BE AT THIS RALLY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M ALL FOR JUSTICE FOR THE
PEOPLE WHO ATTACKED THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6TH.
HAVE THEY LOCKED UP THE MAIN GUY WHO
STARTED THE WHOLE THING YET?
HIS NAME'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE...
...AND IT TASTES TERRIBLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT FIRST, I THOUGHT THIS RALLY
WAS SOME KIND OF STING OPERATION, LIKE WHEN THEY OFFER
SUPER BOWL TICKETS TO VERY STUPID FUGITIVES.
( LAUGHTER ) HI, I WAS TOLD I COULD MEET TOM
BRADY ANNNNND I'M BEING HANDCUFFED.
CAN I AT LEAST MEET GRONK?
( LAUGHTER ) DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN ADVISED TO
LEAVE TOWN, NO REPUBLICAN MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAVE SAID
THEY'RE GOING.
THE RALLY IS EVEN BEING SKIPPED BY FORMER PRESIDENT
"SWEENY FRAUD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REPORTEDLY, HE VIEWS THE PLANNED PROTEST AS A SETUP THAT THE NEWS
MEDIA WILL USE AGAINST HIM REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME.
YEP, HE'S DAMNED IF HE DOES AND DAMNED IF HE DOESN'T.
POINT IS, HE CAN GO TO HELL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT NOW WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT,
AND HE'S MAKING NEWS.
YESTERDAY, JOE BIDEN HELD A NATIONAL SECURITY EVENT AND WAS
JOINED VIRTUALLY BY BRITISH, AUSTRALIAN P.M.S.
OF COURSE, IN AUSTRALIA, BECAUSE OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE, THE P.M.
IS TECHNICALLY THE A.M..
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE...
THE PURPOSE OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY ZOOM CALL WAS TO
ANNOUNCE A TRILATERAL SECURITY PARTNERSHIP WITH BRITAIN AND
AUSTRALIA.
IN IT, THE U.S. ANNOUNCED IT WOULD SHARE ITS NUCLEAR-POWERED
SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY WITH AUSTRALIA AS PART OF A NEW
DEFENSE PARTNERSHIP.
THAT'S A BIG CHANGE IN FOREIGN POLICY.
THE LAST PRESIDENT WOULD NEVER SHARE A SUB, OR REALLY ANY
SANDWICH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) PRISON STYLE.
AUSTRALIA REALLY NEEDS THIS.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS WITH THEIR OLD
SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY.
TAKE A LOOK.
( PINGING SOUND ) >> Stephen: IT'S JUST POOR
PLANNING IS WHAT THAT IS.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT IS
REALLY BIG.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1958 THAT WE'RE SHARING OUR NUCLEAR
SUB SECRETS.
CHINA IS UPSET AND SAYS WE'RE FACING A NEW COLD WAR, BUT THE
TAKEAWAY FROM THIS HISTORIC MEETING IS THAT BIDEN APPEARED
TO FORGET THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER'S NAME:
THANK YOU, BORIS, AND -- AND I WANT TO THANK THAT FELLOW
DOWN UNDER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PAL.
APPRECIATE IT, MISTER PRIME MINISTER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, PAL.
THIS GUY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, PAL.
MR. PRIME MINISTER, CHIEF, BIG GUY, CROCODILE DUNDEE.
KOALA KID, OL' PLATYPUS PETE.
"MAN FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER, WHERE THE BEER DOES FLOW AND MEN
CHUNDER."
YOU'RE MY KANGAROO JACK, JACK.
I'M YOUR LITTLE JOEY.
THROW ME IN YOUR POUCH, AND LET'S GO GET A BLOOMIN' ONION.
LET'S BUILD BACK OUTBACK BETTER I'M KIDDIN' AROUND.
I'M NOT KIDDIN' AROUND ABOUT KIDDIN' AROUND.
( LAUGHTER ) CRIKEY!
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GUYS ARE A CHEAP DATE.
I LIKE IT.
SOME ARE CALLING THIS THE BLUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER.
SO FAR, JUST ME.
AND IT'S PRETTY DUMB.
I MEAN, WE ALL KNOW THE NAME OF AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER:
MR. INCORRECT PASS CODE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS FROM DOWN
UNDER, HERE IN THE UP OVER, THE SPACE RACE HAS BEEN HEATING UP,
INSPIRING BILLIONAIRES EVERYWHERE TO BUILD THEIR OWN
GIANT FIRE-PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW AVERAGE JOES ARE GETTIN'
IN ON THE GAME, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR LATEST
INSTALLMENT OF (ECHOING)
>> SPACE NEWS!
CIVILIANS IN SPACE EDITION!
>> WHAT'S THE WIFI PASSWORD?
>> STEPHEN: LAST NIGHT, AEROSPACE COMPANY SPACEX MADE
HISTORY BY LAUNCHING THE FIRST ALL-CIVILIAN CREW TO ORBIT THE
EARTH.
MEANING, THERE WERE NO PROFESSIONAL ASTRONAUTS ON
BOARD.
HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS, SINCE I OWN A CHAIN OF LAUNDROMATS.
I HAVE ALREADY CLEANED THE LINT TRAP.
I'M GONNA TRY PUTTIN' IN MORE QUARTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU.
>> Stephen: THE MISSION IS CALLED
INSPIRATION 4, AND ITS FEARLESS CIVILIAN LEADER IS BILLIONAIRE
C.E.O. AND COLLEGE ROOMMATE WHO'S JUST GOING TO STICK AROUND
WHILE YOU GUYS MAKE OUT, JARED ISAACMAN.
ISAACMAN BOUGHT THIS FLIGHT BECAUSE HE HOPES TO RAISE $200
MILLION FOR KIDS WITH CANCER.
IT'S A NOBLE GOAL, BUT WHEN YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, YOU CAN
PRETTY MUCH SAY ANY OF YOUR FANCY HOBBIES ARE FOR CHARITY.
(AS POMPOUS RICH GUY) SEX PARTY AT MY PLACE, IT'S FOR
AFFORDABLE HOUSING.
AFTER THAT, WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT THE LAST LIVING WHITE RHINO FOR
MESOTHELIOMA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S A LOOK AT LAST NIGHT'S LAUNCH.
SINCE THIS CREW IS ALL CIVILIANS, THE SPACE CAPSULE IS
OPERATED COMPLETELY AUTONOMOUSLY.
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THE PASSENGERS FROM HAING FUN WITH
THE TOUCHSCREENS.
(AS SPACE-GOER) OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE "I AM
LEGEND" AND ONE EPISODE FROM SEASON 2 OF "LOIS AND CLARK."
I'M GONNA ORDER A SNACK-BOX.
UNLIKE BEZOS AND RICHARD BRANSON'S ROCKETS, THE
INSPIRATION 4 CREW ISN'T JUST POPPING INTO SPACE FOR A FEW
MINUTES.
IT'LL BE A THREE-DAY JOURNEY IN ORBIT, CIRCLING THE EARTH EVERY
90 MINUTES.
THREE DAYS WASN'T THE ORIGINAL PLAN, BUT PARKING ON EARTH IS
REALLY TOUGH RIGHT NOW.
SOMEBODY PUT UP SOME CONES OR SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THE MONEY WILL BE RAISED
BY AUCTIONING OFF ITEMS THE CREW IS TAKING INTO ORBIT.
LIKE A UKULELE THAT ONE OF THE PASSENGERS WILL PLAY ABOARD THE
SPACECRAFT.
SO IT'S THREE DAYS TRAPPED IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH THE GUY WHO
PULLS OUT THE UKULELE AT A PARTY.
( APPLAUSE ) IN SPACE NO ONE CAN YOU HEAR YOU
SCREAM, "PUT THAT (BLEEP) UKULELE AWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) HARD-HITTING JOKE.
BACK ON EARTH, THE COVID VACCINE HAS BEEN PREVENTING SERIOUS
OUTBREAKS FOR MONTHS, BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED CONSPIRACY
THEORISTS FROM COMING UP WITH THEIR OWN QUACKTASTIC COVID
CURES.
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
DISINFORMATION STATION!
THE VACCINE'LL GIVE YOUR OVARIES 5G!
>> Stephen: GOOD TO KNOW.
THE LATEST NONSENSE COVID TREATMENT MAKING THE ROUNDS ON
FACEBOOK CLAIMS THAT, THE CORONAVIRUS CAN BE KILLED BY
INHALING ONION FUMES AND EATING ONIONS.
OK, THAT WON'T CURE COVID, BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU AN ABSOLUTE
NIGHTMARE FOR THE PERSON TESTING YOU.
OK, JUST PULL DOWN YOUR MASK, AND...
OH DEAR GOD I DIDN'T KNOW A TONGUE
COULD HAVE B.O..
IT'S NOT JUST EATING.
THE SAME POSTS ALSO CLAIM THAT SIMPLY PLACING ONIONS AROUND
YOUR HOUSE CAN WARD OFF THE VIRUS.
AND IF YOU ADD GARLIC, YOU CAN WARD OFF VAMPIRES THAT HAVE THE
VIRUS.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER FAKE COVID CURE MAKING
THE ROUNDS: ANTI-VAXXERS ARE GARGLING THE ANTISEPTIC
BETADINE, WHICH IS TYPICALLY USED TO KILL BACTERIA IN WOUNDS
AND IS OCCASIONALLY USED AS A DOUCHE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU HEAR THAT, DUMMIES?
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE USED AS A DOUCHE NOT BY A DOUCHE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
GOOD TO KNOW.
IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW.
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CURE-NONE HAS BECOME SO POPULAR THAT
BETADINE HAS HAD TO ADD A PAGE TO THEIR WEBSITE RESPONDING TO
QUESTIONS LIKE CAN I USE BETADINE PRODUCTS TO KILL THE
CORONAVIRUS?
OR TO PREVENT OR TREAT COVID 19?
THE ANSWER -- NO.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING
TO STOP ANTIVAXXERS.
(AS DUMB GUY) BABE, THE WEBSITE SAYS NO.
CALL THE FEED STORE.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE HORSE DOUCHE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO, WE'VE HAD HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, IVERMECTIN,
AND NOW ONIONS AND BETADINE.
AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD JUST GET AHEAD OF THE CURVE AND
ANNOUNCE WHAT WILL NOT TREAT COVID:
WITCH HAZEL TIDE PODS
PEPTO BISMOL PEPTO BISMOL UP THE BUTT
LICKING BATTERIES DOING JUMPING JACKS
SNORTING DORITO DUST TWO TURNTABLES AND A MICROPHONE
HUSH PUPPIES ONE TURNTABLE AND A MICROPHONE,
EXPIRED ZIMA REALLY ASPICY A-MEATBALLS
SAYING "CANDYMAN" IN A MIRROR FIVE TIMES
OR GETTING BANGS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS MELISSA MCCARTHY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."