I saw a guy quit his job the best way ever.
I was working at a restaurant in Fort Worth, Texas, where
I'm from, and this manager--
Yeah. OK.
This manager, Pat, and this waiter, Richard,
got in a huge argument in front of all the customers
on the dining room floor, screaming back and forth,
until finally, the manager, Pat, he just grabbed the waiter,
Richard, and he just goes,
all right, Richard, get the fuck out.
You're fucking fired.
And Richard yelled back, without missing a beat,
I don't need this goddamn job.
I sell coke.
Which is the best way ever to quit your job.
You're like, fuck your reference.
I'm in the dope game now.
Richard gonna be all right.
He wasn't.
He got shot.
Coke dealer.
So I'm a single boy.
[woman in the audience cheers]
Thank you.
But around Christmas, I was in a very serious relationship,
and I was in the post office with my then girlfriend,
now enemy.
The typical scene-- post office, Christmas time, right?
Bunch of packages.
Bunch of people.
Line's not moving.
One dude working.
Everybody's pissed.
And then this guy walked in--
this fucking guy.
And I swear to Christ, this is exactly what he did when he saw
the line at the post office.
Sorry for how I look from behind.
This is what he did when he saw the line at the post office.
Uh-uh.
And then this-- excuse me, everyone.
And everybody in line was just like, well,
this better be fucking good.
And then this--
I just need to mail something--
is what this son of a bitch screamed in a post
office filled with people.
And then I saw everybody in line lose their goddamn minds.
They're like, Jesus Christ.
What are you, an only child?
You're the most homeschooled kid ever, aren't you?
You guys remember meeting your first homeschooled kid?
Fuck, they're weird.
If you've never met a homie, I'll explain it to you.
Homeschool kids always act exactly
the way an alien would act
if they took over a human's body.
Like, they kind of get it.
But if you watch them from a distance,
you're just like, uh, that one's eating cereal with a fork.
And they just show up.
Just walk out of the house in your neighborhood
you were sure no children lived in.
And when they come out, they always smell like laundry
that wasn't dried all the way.
And the very first thing they say to you
is always nuttier than squirrel shit.
It's never, hi, I'm Steve.
It's just, my name's Baxter and my dad puts honey in our milk.
And you're like, mm.
I don't think so.
Just grow up to fuck weird.
Like they only move their shoulders.
I-- I thought that I was in a good relationship,
but it turns out that I was just not in a bad one.
Does that make sense?
That the absence of bad is not the presence of good.
You can't do that in a relationship.
You can't be like, I never cheated on you.
You can't leave.
Like-- like, I never put lit cigarettes out on her doug.
I don't know why I can't see my boys.